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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does it ever stop hurting watching your children go

27 replies

ninetynineonehundred · 26/07/2015 11:20

4 months into separation and I find it harder and harder, not easier, to watch them go with their dad at weekends.

I didn't have children to not be with them and all I feel is this huge rage towards him for breaking our little family up because he didn't want to grow up.

No affair, no violence, just in the end we were both unwilling to compromise. I wanted to stop being his mummy and he refused to accept that and grow up.

We had fertility issues for years and I went through so much to have my beautiful girls. Now everything I've worked so hard for walks out of the door every weekend.

I'm trying to use the time to socialise, start a business and do my own thing but it hurts that he's suddenly become Disney dad now when what I wanted from him back then was to get involved.

Please be gentle with me. I'm sat here in tears just missing them so much Sad

OP posts:
Toastandstrawberryjam · 26/07/2015 11:29

Six months down the line here and I struggle more with it.

Like yours mine now seems to want to spend more time with them which he never did before. To the extent a very bewildered youngest DD couldn't understand why he was at her sports day this year when he had never bothered before!

He tries to be Disney dad but all mine struggle to trust him and still are upset when he has them. Quite often he comes here to have them and I have to go out so walk round shops etc on my own very upset.

Mine has them for two weeks this summer. Will be hard for them and me. Does yours have them in the holidays?

MerryDickCrack · 26/07/2015 11:31

I completely understand- I have been there. It's 18 months on for me and I still struggle with the loss of my family. It does get easier though, my ex has my boys on holiday for nearly two weeks, I've been working long hours and doing jobs round house but this morning I got a lie in and came down to a peaceful house and no plans and thought to myself I deserve this break. Be kind to yourself, use your time off to recover.

midnightvelvetPart2 · 26/07/2015 11:32

Its still early days love, & yes its hard when the prior-can't-be-arsed-dad suddenly starts throwing money at them & giving them whatever they want, but approach it from the viewpoint that its your children who are benefiting from a better father.

I'm a little further down the road & can appreciate that it may not mean that much to you at the moment, but when you find a new partner the weekends of having no children are like the pre-children life where you can just be a couple & these weekends are valued highly :)

Just take it a step at a time, your anger towards him is very natural & understandable so just feel your way gently for a few months & it should get easier.

Original poster
ninetynineonehundred · 26/07/2015 11:36

Hi toast I remember your thread. He won't have them for the summer for the simple reason that it wouldn't occur to him to sort something out.
He'll be waiting for me to tell him what to do - exactly the behaviour that led to us splitting in the first place Sad

I just feel so much rage towards him that it makes me feel physically sick at times. And I have to be all enthusiastic and upbeat about him to the kids.

It's a pain that doesn't stop and I'm learning to dread the weekends.

OP posts:
MsPepsi · 26/07/2015 11:48

I'm 2.5 years down the line and yes it gets better. Don't get me wrong there are times I hear about what she's been up to with him and I feel a weird sense of sadness for not being part of it, but it doesn't hurt as much. Family time was always great, but as a couple it was never right. There's more to life than 'family' though as one day the kids grow up - that's what I tell myself x

Original poster
ninetynineonehundred · 26/07/2015 12:08

Thanks to everyone for replying. It means an awful lot today.

I think I'm grieving for the dream that I held on to for so many years and tried to make real.

The little one still breastfeeds regularly so that's difficult too and yesterday was really uncomfortable by the time he brought them home. I should probably be grateful that he's too useless to get somewhere he can have them overnight. He's a lodger with some of my friends and that's only because I sorted it out for him Hmm

The kids hate us all being apart and the toddler in particular really misses me. She came and waved and said 'bye bye ' in her baby voice this morning and dd1 just wanted to cuddle me.

I promise that I try really hard not to let them see how I feel and to be excited for them about their fun day.

OP posts:
Toastandstrawberryjam · 26/07/2015 12:12

Mine is only having them for two weeks because he knows how much that will hurt me. And he's choosing to do something they won't really enjoy Confused somehow that makes it worse to send them.

I can't imagine sending really little ones, that must be so hard. I too try and be positive, it's tricky sometimes when my 13 year old asks exactly why daddy behaves like such an idiot....

I've found if I can work at weekends that helps a bit. I save my housework for then too.

StickyProblem · 26/07/2015 12:15

Sounds like you are doing a really great job and he is finally managing to act like some sort of a dad, and they will benefit from it in the long run. They are very small still which is also hard. Do something you enjoy today that is hard to do with the girls there Flowers

Dilema76 · 26/07/2015 12:15

Some men are simply not cut out for relationships. They are better with their kids when you are not there as they have to be!

HolgerDanske · 26/07/2015 12:16

It's very early days. It will get better and easier.

Flowers
Ohbollocksandballs · 26/07/2015 12:18

Yes, it absolutely sucks. Especially when the curtains are wide open and the girlfriend and her child are also there.

I'm 10 months in, and it's getting easier. I very recently met DP's son, and couldn't shake the guilt I felt because I knew how his mother would feel and how much it bloody hurts.

Original poster
ninetynineonehundred · 26/07/2015 12:26

19 months and 5 years.
They are still so very very tiny. I physically miss them.
It was never me he wanted. He just wanted what I could give him - home, meals, social circle, fun and... Children.

He's even admitted that this set up (ie him being a lodger at age 40) works best for him! Seriously who chooses that as an adult? Especially if you know how much it hurts small children. I'll never understand.

OP posts:
nj32 · 26/07/2015 12:30

Three months in so feel your pain. My h isn't as bothered by them as I thought he would be. But I am glad when the weekends are over. No overnight access at the moment as he is living with a 'friend' ????

nailsathome · 26/07/2015 12:31

3 years in here and I still hate it. Especially when DD says she doesn't want to go Hmm

Original poster
ninetynineonehundred · 26/07/2015 12:37

I'm so sorry to hear that other people are going through this pain. I truly wish I could take it away from you (and me)

OP posts:
Ohbollocksandballs · 26/07/2015 13:00

The worst thing about it is dwelling on the past. When you hold your baby for the first time, giving them up for X amount of time each week is the last thing you think/expect.

Original poster
ninetynineonehundred · 26/07/2015 13:12

If I may just say something loudly on behalf of all of us...

DICKHEADS taking our beautiful babies!

It's one thing choosing to have a break for a rest but another thing entirely to HAVE to give them up.
I know many of our exes will struggle and miss them too - I've got sympathy for anyone who misses their children (even my pratt of an ex) but right now I want to have a tantrum and shout IT'S NOT FAIR!

(and the irony is that once they come home I shall be counting the hours until bedtime Smile)

OP posts:
Handywoman · 26/07/2015 13:56

It must be so hard and disruptive to your tiny ones. And your grief is still so raw. But your inept ex-h's lodger status means your kids still have only one home, and that's with you. 50/50 access would be worse for them. if he's a better dad now it's bitter sweet and hard to grasp, but ultimately good for the dc.

My ex-h is also totally crap and it's very difficult to get over. I'm two years on and have started psychotherapy - I have really needed it to start making peace with the whole story of my marriage and how I ended up here.

Please don't feel you should be able to get your head round it yet. Let the anger come and go, and recharge your batteries when they're with him. Get your nails done - anything - reward yourself for getting through this one step at a time

BrowersBlues · 26/07/2015 14:02

Yes, it does stop hurting. You will get to the stage when you can't wait until he arrives to collect them so that you can get dressed up and head off out with your friends, go away for a weekend, spend time alone doing nothing, spend time with the new love in your life, do the garden, watch tv and eat yummy rubbish. Please believe me because that will happen.

It is hard in the early days but I promise you from experience that it does stop hurting.

minkGrundy · 26/07/2015 14:08

DICKHEADS taking our beautiful babies!

Em...they are his babies too.
I say this as an lp with a useless ex.
This is for their benefit, remember that. Enjoy your free time.

But why doeshe have them every weekend? Surely EOW is the norm so you have some family time? You may want to consider changing the contact pattern. Also you should atrange some freeevenings so you can fully benefit from your childfree time. Can he take them to parents once they are bigger for occasional overnight.

Tbh with lack lustre pqrents this is often the best way. He has no choice but to ficus on them. If you were still together he would leave it to you.

temporarilyjerry · 26/07/2015 14:14

How old are your DCs? Why is he having them every weekend?

Original poster
ninetynineonehundred · 26/07/2015 14:15

Mink I know they are his too, I'm just having a tantrum Smile
It's best that I'm unreasonable on an anonymous forum than in front of the kids. Yes to his benefit and theirs but that means that I have the pain of missing them.
Sometimes I find it hard to smile and be adult about it all hence the rant here.

Sadly there are no real winners. All of us (in our family) are hurting because of this Sad

OP posts:
TalkingintheDark · 26/07/2015 14:26

Why does he have them every weekend? Surely it's much more normal for him to have every other weekend, and one evening/night midweek? Is it just one day each weekend, or both?

I'm so sorry you're in this position, it must be heartbreaking. But he really isn't entitled to have all the weekend time with them. Especially as your older one is school age.

How did you come to this arrangement and would you think about trying to change it? For your DDs' sake as well as your own. It sounds like the little one struggles to be apart from you for that long, and the older one needs some downtime at home with mummy too at the end of the school week. And also, if he hasn't even got his own home and is lodging with other people, that's not going to help them feel "at home" when they're with him.

Flowers for you, and for everyone who has to go through this.

MB69 · 26/07/2015 19:07

Well I am about 30 years further down the road and the very real feelings you are experiencing are very distant. All you can do is do your best to be a good mum - above all be consistent and be their for your children. No matter what happens your children will never forget this. There may be many more unexpected changes to come and you won't be able to control them - so all you can do is your best.

Having a good rant here is fine. But be careful because your children will, in time, pick up your anger and feel conflicted. Let the anger go - it will not help. Best of luck.

Twinklestein · 26/07/2015 19:15

Just to echo pps questions, why every weekend?