My in laws don't like me

[mammydub]

I know it's another in-law one, but I’m at a loss. In our house I make the arrangements to meet up with my side of the family and have relied upon DH to do the same – except he doesn't really bother with BIL (his brother) or SIL (his sister) and their families. MIL on the other hand is invited and refuses. We’ve been married 6 years and she’s been here a total of 4 times, but invited much more often. (And I know DH has asked as I’ve heard them on the phone). DH sees MIL twice a week to help her with errands and take her to Mass. He sees BIL and SIL very infrequently and this has been the case since I’ve known him. There’s no bad feeling it is just that way.

However, I think there are some issues now. When I moved in with DH, BIL or SIL would arrange family gatherings and we would get maybe 2 days notice, which is not a problem but often our weekends are busy and booked up, so sometimes we would have to decline or maybe say we could only attend for a short time. SIL in particular would take the huff and deny we’d said anything about not being able to attend for all of it or create a situation. My take on it is that if you have an event at short notice you have to not be offended if everyone can’t make it. Sometimes we would end up changing plans to keep SIL happy.

I try to have them round on a couple of occasions each year but they haven’t really worked out and haven’t been reciprocated. DH and I had a baby last year and his family were disinterested as lots of baby’s have been born so ours was ‘nothing special’. None of them even mentioned the pregnancy once congratulations had been said and only MIL visited at hospital – BIL and SIL visited three months later. To complicate matters SIL and DH have the same circle of friends and at a party a few weeks ago SIL seemed really frosty. I’m afraid we have offended her but I can’t see how, unless it’s because we haven’t dropped in but she hasn’t shown any interest in meeting up with us either.

So, should I keep inviting them round (knowing that they’ll refuse) or just not bother. I don't want them to think I've driven a wedge between DH and his family. DH just says his family are weird and seems not bothered by it.

Sorry that was really long.

I wouldn't bother and to be honest I bother with my In Laws. Although to be honest I gave up because whenever we invited them they would always have my DH nieces with them as they seem to be at their house more often then their parents.

And in the last few years they will go and see my BIL and family up north but can not find time to see us 20 mins away. So I gave up and we now only see them about 6 times a year.

Thanks for replying. I am inclined to invite when it suits and if they come great but if not then that's there choice. I guess I feel guilty because of DS. My family live overseas whereas DH's, including us live within 15min of each other. I'd like DS to know family close by. Saying that he is close to friends.

I wouldn't bother... leave it to your dh now. You've already done what you can. I don't bother with my in laws I'm just civil on the rare occasions I do see them for the sake of dh.

I wouldn't bother.. you've tried, they aren't interested.

Sort of similar here... when I married Dh his parents were very dubious (we have very different backgrounds and they didn't like the fact that I had a degree) 25 years later.. still married and they have got used to me but I see my MIl about once every 5 years or so (live about 2 hours away not a continent away)! We are cordial and that's about as good as it gets.

It's been fine.. tbh the kids haven't missed out on much as DH's family are all a bit insular and he was glad to get away.

You've done your best with them. What I'd advise is a period of cool detachment on your part now. its one of those things that the more available we make ourselves to others, the more we're taken for granted and in some cases, sidelined.

By detaching and letting people know that your time is precious, your diary often full and your life broad, interesting and populated, you send a strong message - that you're independent and if they want to be in your life then they need to make an effort too.

If they don't well, its their loss really isn't it? And I'd say that to them if you get the opportunity.

I wouldn't bother as they aren't interested. Your husband can sort it out.

Thanks all. I find it hard to accept that we always seem to be the ones in the wrong.

Pallasathena, I get what you're saying, but whenever we do have plans it met with scorn. Kinda hard to explain, but for example on one occasion we mentioned to SIL that we wouldn't be able to stay for the whole afternoon (nor could BIL so the drop in aspect obviously wasn't a problem) as we had plans to go to a friends in another part of the city for dinner. She laughed and told me not to be silly as I didn't have friends there. Totally bizarre.

They don't seem to get the idea that they need to make the effort too, although occasionally we do get passive agressive phone calls telling DH that they haven't seen him in a while and that MIL hasn't seen our DS.

However, I think in future I'll leave it to DH.