I don't trust him online

[mexica]

Been with dp for 5 years. We have a 1 year old together and I have 2 dc from previous marriage.

We've lived together for 3 years. But it took me a whole year to allow him to meet my children and another year of family dates, so he could build a relationship with them before I agreed we could all live together.
On the day we moved in together whilst setting up his Netflix account I discovered he had a fake Facebook profile (different name, pic etc) I asked him and he denied all knowledge. I trusted him completely and I tried to put it out of my mind but something didn't feel right. So I snooped
I found hundreds of pictures from Facebook in his internet history. I didn't recognise most of them but there were a few I knew as my friends daughter (18) and a couple of my sons friends (17)

Mostly they were random girls from other areas all posing provocative and some beach and holiday pics.
Obviously I went mad and asked him. He said it was a habit he'd got in to when single and was basically using it as stimulation for private time urgh! He claimed it was just voyeurism no contact and there was nothing else to know.
I didn't believe him. So basically I jacked his emails. I found 5 fake Facebook profiles all used to friend request females and on one he'd requested his ex (a marries woman he'd been sleeping with, he'd claimed it was just sex, no feelings)

I threw him out and he was gone for a month. I spent that time getting myself together and enjoying life with my kids and friends. I realised I didn't need him and his issues in my life.
But! I took him back. We talked for weeks before I allowed him to come home. He explained he'd been selfish and hadn't considered my ffeelings. He said he'd realised that he had loved his ex and he'd gone through a phase of getting depressed and indulging thinking about her. He admitted he'd also been smoking weed with friends and he tgought this added to the depressive moods.
I asked for total honesty and got it. He told me he'd messaged hundreds of women telling them they were sexy but most hadn't replied and if any did reply he promptly blocked them. So strange!
He swore nothing like that would ever happen again. And I believed him.
Everything was good for a year. I worked hard to get my confidence back in response to seeing how hard he was working to rebuild trust.
When I found out we were expecting ds he was over the moon. I was terrified. My children were 17 and 11 and I hadn't planned anymore. Plus I was worried about him being ready to be a father.
We went ahead and I can honestly say he's been amazing. He was supportive all through the pregnancy birth and has been a brilliant father. He cooks cleans takes care of baby and plans stuff to so with my other children too. He'd stopped smoking and getting drunk. He'd really stepped up and I was feeling secure in my little family.

Until this last month. I knew something was off. Something didn't feel right. Sex had stopped being love making and was more disconnected. Like he wasn't really there in mind. There was no foreplay no soft touches, just flipping me over and pounding away. I spoke to him and explained how I felt and he apologised and said he'd make an effort. But no change. He stopped coming on family trips or trips out shopping or visiting friends and family. Saying he was tired or feeling unwell.
First chance I got I checked his phone.
He'd been searching for pics again. Mostly it was actresses or women off other tv shows like big brother or x factor. But there was another girl from Facebook. He'd checked her profile hundreds of times over the last 3 months. Sometimes he'd look at her pics 10+ Times a day. He admitted this was because she llooked a bit like his ex.

I don't know what to do. He's booked himself in to counselling and goes in 2 weeks. He claims he's sorry and wants to change. Claims he loves me and the boys and will do anything. He thinks he has an addiction and says he needs help.

I'm seeing a counsellor too. My confidence is at an all tine low, I've zero self esteem and I'm worried what all this has done to me mentally. I'm 35 but regularly get asked for proof when buying alcohol so I'm young looking. I'm in good shape and I often get complimented. But when I look in the mirror all I see is those pics and I compare myself and fall short. I see old, ugly, small boobs, wrong sized butt, wrong colour hair (I'm half Mexican so I'm pretty dark)
I can't walk down the street without feeling self conscious and I'm struggling to hold my head high. But I've done nothing wrong.
I'm sorry this was so long and probably poor grammar and spelling but my mind is all over the place

I think it's odd behaviour from him but yes, sadly, pretty normal for men to be seeking cheap voyeuristic thrills online. If I'm honest my husband would probably think less of me if he knew how much time I spent on this forum. I'm glad he doesn't know; it's my guilty secret.

This may sound mean but I've been on MN for a number of years. Advice on the Relationships board is pretty much always LTB. Not many people here are invested in saving your relationship - many are still suffering the effects of relationship fall-out in their own lives and will draw conclusions about the dynamics in your home that are simply extensions of their own experience.

If you want real relationship advice ask people who are happy in their homes and who have made good relationship choices.... not the self-selecting few who come on here to unpick their own disasters.

But! In addition to being a pervy perve, it sounds like he might be:

• into long x-box sessions (6 hours!!)
• an occasional drug-user
• potentially a depressive (particularly in recent months)
• compulsive in other ways

These in combination with the creepy on-line behaviour would be massive turn-offs for me I'm afraid.

What would concern me is not so much the looking as the lying and the disrespect to you. You made your thoughts clear and he acknowledged them and promised he would never go back: and then proceeded to do just that and lying copiously to you in the process. That would be difficult for me to live with.

mexica, yes most men like looking at women, but most aren't creepy stalkers with fake fb profiles etc etc. Just like most women appreciate a good looking man but don't do the creepy stalker thing either. Really, don't make excuses for this man, his behaviour is revolting.

I think your DP is taking it to a higher level than most of these guys are talking about. I wonder how many of the guys on your other forum who said they like to peeve at Facebook photos actually do it under various false accounts? I'm going to guess none of them.

*perve

I'm finding a lot of normalisation in the recent pp's. No, it isn't "normal for most men" to voyueristically look at women via fb or online- yes obviously some do, but A LOT just don't; i know plenty who feel fb is just not something they are interested in, and do not have a big online life - plenty women too.

But yes, also a lot that do - but your dp is taking it to a whole new and insulting, degrading level. I can understand the attempt at rationalising it to "everything else is great ....no other problems " but for me, regardless of how he isin other areas of your relationship, this is a massive dealbreaker. A huge deception. And it's so seedy....i would lose all respect and even if you didtry to put it aside, theeffects on yourself esteem and confidence will be devastating, in fact they already are. This won't get any better xx

The thing is op, he wasn't using Facebook to 'see millions of pics of random women.'

He was using several fake profiles to contact random women. He was searching for teenage girls you know and saving their images.

He was also turning down family time to spend hours doing this.

Tbh I think if you dug deeper you would find more. Surely some of the women responded to his messages?

Of course men like looking at pics of women, and it's easily accessible on the net. What your partner is doing is going to the bother of making fake Facebook profiles and actually contacting hundreds of young girls, as well as keeping pics of your children's friends, I can guarantee you most men don't do this.

I think he contacts young females because he thinks there's more chance of a response, and I also think he must have had some kind of response out of hundreds.

You are deluding yourself if you think this is what most men do, absolute bullshit.

Hi
I have a partner who has 3 fb Messenger accounts. We had a message come through once saying that someone tried to hack our accounts. He opened up messenger and 2 of the accounts are linked to fb profiles. The third account though was in a different name. I asked him to go into the account but he said no. That was the account that got hacked and they changed the name. In my gut I don't believe this though because why would a hacker change the name