I have lurked here for a while but this will be my first post. I don't know who to ask for advice and none of my friends understand what this is like.
Sorry there is a lot of background to this but I don't want to dripfeed.
So when I was 14 I met my now ex dh who was 5 years older than me. He was lovely but could occasionally be a bit possessive but he was my first boyfriend and I thought it was normal.
I was pregnant with DS1 a year later. I was made to move in with ex. He became angrier and verbally abusive towards me. He made me be a SAHM and wouldn't let me leave the house without him. We married and he became more jealous and my self esteem was non-existent I was convinced that I had to be with ex or I'd have nothing.
He loved DS 1 though and they doted on each other. I had DD and DS2 with him and he was never fussed with them, he didn't change a nappy or play with them but he always had time for DS1 and he allowed him to do whatever He wanted.
As the years went by he became physically abusive (never in front of the DCs) he also began cheating on me but he convinced me that it was all my fault.
He invited a new friend (male) round one day who had just moved to the area, he was a nice guy who seemed to find ex a bit bossy and he didn't really gel with ex at all. A few weeks later I bumped into him at the supermarket (the one place I was allowed without ex) and we talked for a bit and he was really friendly. He came to visit us a few times and he used to chat to me until ex called him away. He used to try and help me clean up the dishes if he stayed for food.
So I became pregnant with twins and DH started to get really violent. Then when I was 8 and a half months pregnant DS1 (then 12) and DD (then 6) caught him having sex with another woman in our bed, in our house.
(He later said that he thought we were busy in the garden and told us he was sleeping ready for work when he had actually snuck this woman in for a quicky)
So the DCs were traumatised and I sent them to their rooms and asked what he was doing and he called the DCs back in and slapped and punched me in the head. DD was crying and he screamed abuse at her and I said that's it we are going. So I packed the DCs a small bag of their resides each and we left and went to the friends house because he was the only person I knew.
He was lovely and took us in and bought new clothes for the DCs and helped me find a lawyer. But DS1 wanted to live with his dad. He used to hit me because I wouldn't let him go and he would break the friends stuff.
I went into Labour and whilst I was in the hospital the DCs were staying with the friend and DS1 found a phone and called his dad and ex came and picked him up and took him to live with him.
I tried to get him back but DS1 was a teenager and they decided that he was old enough to make his own mind up. Ex got a great lawyer and they worked the system and DS1 was allowed to stay with him.
Gradually me and the friend fell in love and we married last year. He was kind and supportive and raised my other DCs as his own.
Ex hasn't seem them for two years and he doesn't care about them at all. They call my DH daddy because he has raised them and they love him. I see DS1 whenever he bothers to get in touch. If I make the first move he ignores me.
So to now it's four years later and I am currently over 8 months pregnant with DHs first baby. The DS1 is just turned 16. And he asked if we wanted to see him and give him his birthday present.
DS1 came to us, DH took the other DCs to the garden so that we could have some alone time. He opened his present and decided that he didn't like it. I said sorry and I could exchange it or if he liked I would give him the money and exchange this some other time.
He called me a piece of shit mother and spat at me all the time he was smirking at me the whole time. I told him that it was unacceptable to use that sort of language towards me and I was trying to do a nice thing for him.
He slapped me and laughed in my face. I was stunned for a moment. I told him to leave and he stared at me like I was nothing and then he pushed me against the wall and then he punched me in the face. I screamed and DH came running and he dragged him out of the house. He didn't hurt him at all and he let him go as soon as he was outside.
DH locked the doors and came straight back to me and sorted me out. Then ex came round with DS1 and so DH and I went to see what they wanted and ex said that he knew what DH had done and if we called the police or tried to get others involved he they would tell the police that DH had hurt DS. We told them that they were in the wrong.
They were both just laughing at us and they called me names and we went inside.
They continued to shout abuse for a few minutes then they left laughing and joke like a father and son.
I feel sick and I can't stop crying. DS1 hates me. And I am pregnant with his half sibling and the baby will probably never meet his oldest brother. My twins don't know him and DS2 doesn't really remember him either.
Bit I can't let DS1 anywhere near them again.
The worst part was that DS1 looked so much like his dad when he hit me it was like a flash back to years ago.
It's all my fault, I should have fought for him harder and now it's too late. I have failed him and even after everything I miss him so much and I should have tried harder and made him stay here with us and gotten him professional help.
I am the worst mother in the world.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I have failed my DS1
sixapples · 20/07/2015 21:53
You have done the right thing. He needs to learn the basic lesson that you CANNOT do this.
I am so sorry this has happened.
I am sure you will feel awful OP because what mother wouldn't? But you HAVE done the right thing. There are a lot of programs out there to try to get lads of that age back on the right track for life. With luck he will engage with people trying to help him and reject his dad's abusive ways.
I hope you are treating yourself kindly tonight and your DH (who sounds lovely) and you and your younger ones have a more peaceful night tonight. 
sixapples you are one amazing woman . You managed to leave an abusive relationship whilst extremely pregnant and get yourself and your children to a place of safety. It's not your fault DS1 went back, you could do nothing to stop that.
You had to report DS1 and ex to police. If DS1 thinks that is an acceptable way to treat anyone he will do it again, maybe not to you but to someone else. He's learnt from his father that it's ok to behave like that- absolutely despicably. He's young, he can learn and change. If you had let it go, the risk is that he could grow up to be just like his dad. This is a chance for him to change direction for the better.
He's horrible to you now…but I wouldn't be surprised if that changes in the future when he realises what a piece of work his father is, and how relationships are really meant to work.
I wish you all the very best and hope that things improve.
I hope you're feeling okay today and just wanted to echo pps - you've absolutely done the right thing. Your DS will ruin his life if allowed to behave like that unchallenged. All you can do is leave the door open so that when he realises he owes you an apology you have a chance to rebuild your relationship.
This isn't your fault
You are so brave. You've done the right thing by your boy. Hopefully the police will be able to help his see the error of his ways. Thinking of you and your family
Congrats on your new baby .
You've done absolutely the right thing. I used to work with perpetrators of domestic violence in prison and sadly, so many of them grew up witnessing DV.
At 16, your DS is young enough to turn his life around if given the right help. Often, the best way to access this is through the criminal justice system.
You haven't betrayed him, you've done what might turn out to be the best thing for him. You're really brave.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
Jesus, don't for one minute blame yourself for this outcome. This behaviour ds is displaying lays firmly at the door of your abusive ex.
Congrats on baby dd, I hope you get a bit of peace to mend as a family
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.