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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How much communication...

21 replies

Rockluvvindad · 20/07/2015 13:23

Serious question Mumsnetters... I'm genuinely interested in your opinions.

How much communication is right ? Do you ever discuss this with your partners / dates / prospective dates.

We live in a world that is more connected than ever before. When I think back to my late teen and early twenties whilst in the RAF, communication with a girlfriend was by letter or the odd phone call. Every post call was a sweet torture waiting to see if there was something for me, and I can only assume that the feelings were mirrored when I sent something.

Now everyone is pretty much constantly connected, our lives are on the internet via Facebook, we can see whether someone has read a message on whatsapp, we're conditioned to expect instant feedback or responses. I'm OLD at the minute ( and old ! :) ), and finding that there's almost a constant pressure to be in communication via one medium or another. Texts, emails, Facebook, messages etc... become an obligation that we feel bad about not meeting.

Various threads discuss the fact that "I sent him a whatsapp and I know he's read it but hasn't responded" or variations thereof. Do we ever really think what the other person might be doing ? Are the actually able to respond at the time ?

I am having a little argument with Facebook at the moment about what I consider a violation of my privacy. FB suggest a lady as a friend when I had only ever exchanged messages on the dating website and whatsapp. We never actually met and how no friends in common, so how did they get the connection ?

The connected world we live in makes it easier than ever to be in touch, but I think we might be taking that for granted and not understanding that just because I want to say something right now, you don't have to respond straight away. I find myself apologising to ladies when they message and I don't reply immediately, and they do the same. I am forever saying "don't worry, I don't time your responses with a stopwatch".

Whilst married, I used to drop either an email or text message once a day or so. Maybe more if there was something being discussed. My work actually has strict rules about using mobile phones in certain parts of the building, and even more strict rules about work email so responses are when I can, not perhaps when I want to...

Do you ever discuss this ? What do you think is appropriate ? Reading the dating thread, this seems to cause a lot of contention...

RLD.

OP posts:

FenellaFellorick · 20/07/2015 13:25

I think what's appropriate is whatever both parties are happy and comfortable with. I know that's vague but really there isn't and can't be a hard and fast rule on it. It can only ever be whatever the people involved like and want - and in cases where the people involved don't agree, it's about them working out a compromise that they're both happy with.

There isn't a formula, a graph, a chart or a set of rules.

tumbletumble · 20/07/2015 13:28

I agree with you. On a typical working day, DH and I would keep in touch to the extent of one phone call. That's it. We might in addition to that send an email or text for a specific reason, but we can easily go for a week without communicating by email or text. He doesn't have FB and neither of us have whatsapp.

If we ever split up, I'm not looking forward to that aspect of dating. It sounds so stressful!

Threefishys · 20/07/2015 14:01

With regards to FB, I think it's likely that the lady in question has searched you up (assuming that it would be private) but fb has linked you because she has searched for you they have presented her as someone you might know. I have searched someone before (but not friend requested them) and subsequently popped up in their suggestions.... Bit embarrassing but there you go.

Threefishys · 20/07/2015 14:06

I think women in particular but too much impetus on messaging and response time. When my dp and I first started messaging (we met on Tinder) I had to remind myself that if I texted a friend and she didn't respond for hours even days this was not an issue, I'd assume she was busy/felt no need to respond/ forgot. It has no bearing on our friendship so I made a point of treating Dp messages just the same and not stressing. Dp and I are always fairly quick to respond as it goes but I think that's because we are both relaxed about it and there is no pressure and expectation. We are 9 months into our relationship now.

ivykaty44 · 20/07/2015 14:12

Doing research here...?

pocketsaviour · 20/07/2015 14:13

FB suggest a lady as a friend when I had only ever exchanged messages on the dating website and whatsapp. We never actually met and how no friends in common, so how did they get the connection ?

Facebook owns Whatsapp. So that's how/why they suggested the match. I believe there is a setting within Whatsapp to import your Facebook data which is ticked as default.

I only expect to hear from dates/potential dates maybe once or twice a day. I'm at work and I expect they are too! If I send a text but don't get a response til next day, it doesn't bother me at all.

I do think the younger generation seem to expect instant responses and I find that very off-putting. My son (age 20) will text me, and if I haven't replied within 20 minutes, he rings me.

Original poster

Rockluvvindad · 20/07/2015 14:18

I am indeed doing research Ivykaty... On how not to get myself into trouble whilst OLD... ????

OP posts:

TokenGinger · 20/07/2015 14:41

ThreeFishys - I'm not sure that's accurate. On my OLD account, I was known only as TokenGinger. Never gave my name out. Therefore, nobody would be able to search for me using my name.

I also spoke to a few via text message. I do not have a phone number linked to my Facebook account. My privacy settings are tight - nobody can send me a friend request unless we have mutual friends. My profile is literally blank if anybody searches for me. Yet, several men I spoke to on the POF app keep appearing as "people you may know" on Facebook, despite not having mutual friends, despite me having never searched for them and despite them not knowing my name to search for me.

TokenGinger · 20/07/2015 14:43

PocketSaviour - I didn't read your response. That makes sense! If they appear in my contacts list on my phone, they'll automatically appear on my Whatsapp contact list. Thanks for that, I'd been wondering why they show.

Threefishys · 20/07/2015 15:01

Not sure Token. Just my experience when I searched up Dp's sister and subsequently appeared in her suggestions. We had no previous links, do not have each others phone numbers etc and no mutual fb friends (dp not on fb).

PushingThru · 20/07/2015 15:04

This stuff is freaking me out. I'm seeing very odd & tenuously connected people from the past popping up on my 'people you may know' & I don't like it. I also shudder to think that people (exes, crushes etc.) could know that I have searched FB for them.

PushingThru · 20/07/2015 15:05

What's the official line from Facebook then?

Original poster

Rockluvvindad · 20/07/2015 15:07

The search and matching engines are becoming so complex it's almost impossible to stay isolated and private if you use any of the facebook company product for searching or communicating. Most appropriate way to think of them is not that the users are the customers... The users and their information is Facebook's product. The customers are the advertising companies and other companies that use this information... I'm close to making a double thickness tin foil hat with extra coat hanger antennae just to keep my brainwaves safe...

OP posts:

TokenGinger · 20/07/2015 15:08

Very odd!

Original poster

Rockluvvindad · 20/07/2015 15:09

Pushing, the response I got was to be pushed from pillar to post without giving any actual answer. I'm still trying. My point to them was "what if i was an abusive ex she was hiding from, or she was someone I was hiding from ?"

OP posts:

PushingThru · 20/07/2015 15:18

Hahaha at the tinfoil hat! I think we should have the option to consent to searches equating to suggestions. It has the potential to be embarrassing as a searcher and disconcerting as a searchee. Not ok.

itwillgetbettersoon · 20/07/2015 15:51

I had a friend request from a random on POF. It was freaky. When I spoke to a friend she said there is a piece of Google software that searches the Internet for matched photos and as I had the same photo on POF ad on FB that is how the connection was made. I obviously blocked him. I looked up an old BF on FB and he now comes up on my "people I might know list" so I'm sure I come up on his feed - embarrassing.

PushingThru · 20/07/2015 16:13

^ WHAT?! Omg. I'm going to live in a cave.

PushingThru · 20/07/2015 16:15

We've derailed your thread with privacy paranoia now OP!

Original poster

Rockluvvindad · 20/07/2015 16:28

I think I started it Pushing.. Should have put the facebook comment in a different thread. I am still interested in peoples views on communication though

OP posts:

itwillgetbettersoon · 20/07/2015 20:53

Texting gives the relationship a level of intimacy that isn't real. In the old days one would go on a few dates and wait for them to ring you. Now we have to send texts every day saying good morning and good night. It is so false. Yet really we don't know the person as we might have sent 200 texts but only met once.

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