I have had a big fallout with DP and could do with some additional perspectives if anyone has any time to offer advice.
I have a six month old baby and an older dd. He has two dc who are with us every second weekend. The older kids are all between 7 and 9.
My DSC have been pretty good so far this Summer but in general I think it's accepted there are possibly some behavioural/emotional issues with one or both of them; major meltdowns over minor things, issues in school, controlling behaviour, aggression - I'm summarising these problems and they can also be lovely kids a lot of the time, but the overall relevance is that they can be very very challenging on occasion. The (usually very relaxed) dynamic in our home completely changes when they are here and it often feels like things are "on the edge" - I find myself always having to think a few steps ahead with potential tantrum points in mind and my instinct is to have clear boundaries and expectations in place for them as I think kids in general respond better to structure and clarity. DP has a more unstructured approach to dealing with them (for example if they started crying about not being allowed to do something he would quite often just allow them to do it to avoid the confrontation).
It's getting to the point where I feel our home life is dominated by working around the threat of meltdowns and confrontations when they are here, and they are bright kids so they know they are "in charge", so to speak. I'm finding they tantrums/meltdowns very stressful and it's making me feel very low that our youngest child is being brought up in a house where this happens. She has gone to sleep twice in the last week to the sounds of both DSC kicking off about wanting to to for a sleepover at their grandparents house (they are only one street away).
They are very close to their grandparents but DP's mum is exceptionally controlling and I think a lot of her behaviour is focused on dominating her grandchildren to the point where it undermines their actual parents. Me included! It feels like the things we should be doing as parents are simply taken out of our hands (hair cuts, clothes buying, packing for holiday, extracurricular and holiday activities) - all presented as fait accompli and arranged directly with the children so we are the "bad guys" if we say no to something. There are no rules at her house for them, they are highly indulged, there's no bedtime....basically they can do as they like which they think is brilliant (of course!). The DGM loathes their mother so there is quite a bit of competitive mothering going on which seems pretty unhealthy to me. This has spilled over into dominating us when they are here, which I am finding stifling and overwhelming. Where I am concerned this is done using an approach that might outwardly be seen to be helpful (dinner/lunch invites, kids sleepovers) but which is presented to DP in a much less pleasant way. When the kids are here they expect/demand to have them at least half the time. If DP says no for any reason there is a barrage of emotional blackmail about it, including saying his dad is "devastated" etc. I don't come from a controlling family and I can see how manipulative this is, but I'm not sure DP sees it after a lifetime of being around it.
I'm never involved in arrangements relating to when the kids come. The is is organised between DP and the kids mum, but if it doesn't suit DGM's agenda she will.sometimes cut across DP and contact the kids mum directly to try and get them for extra days.
Last night I asked what the arrangements were for the rest of the holiday for the children and it led to a really unpleasant altercation where I basically cried for half the night. They are here for all of the holidays except a few days in August when their mum is having them for a weekend. They are challenging but it's more the fact that I feel like I am just hunkering down and getting through it while they're here. This isn't their fault but there is just such a pantomime of behaviour from the adults - we have literally no space from DGM and while I can understand she's pleased to see her DGC it feels as though we are totally dominated by both her and the kids wishes and demands.
Anyway....when I realised there are only a few days of summer without all this, I burst into tears and tried to tell him how being excluded from arrangements with the kids makes me feel like I have no real role here. I don't want our youngest being brought up in an environment with all these power struggles and emotional blackmail and it's reached a point where I feel like I am almost ready to give up. He said I was being horrible and that I'd lost the plot. I think he sees my distress as an attack on him. I don't mean it to come across that way but I do feel angry about the situation, and even worse I feel totally powerless to do anything about it.
More and more I am feeling as though I have no real place here and that is making me feel quite depressed. We've talked about moving but that's all we do. It's not going to be possible as we are all involved in a large family business that would have to be sold if DP was to be bought out - that would lead to huge problems.
How can I sort this out? I know I am probably in the danger zone for PND. He didn't bother with my birthday or mothers' day this year which has also made me feel really low. He was exasperated last night saying he is exhausted from working so hard (he does, he works too hard actually) and looking after the kids and me. I said I did not feel looked after - in fact I feel as though I am basically at the bottom of the pile. My point of view on things is basically an irrelevance and I'm never involved in anything to do with the kids arrangements. Yet I have to navigate a lot of really challenging situations involving them and DGM. I'm getting to the point where I dread them coming and I know that is not right.