Should I leave him for my family?

[natty8839]

Hi everyone,

I'm in a crisis so doing the obvious thing and turning to the internet for advice ;)

I met my partner over here in Australia. He is Australian and I am British and we live in Melbourne. I miss home terribly and am devastated about the possibility of a future without my family around us. This has only really hit me recently as we've been talking about having kids.

He will not come back to the UK with me. I won't go into the reasons but he's set on staying here so if I go, I go alone. I'm devastated and can't decide what to do. I love him enormously but am not sure if I can be happy here and feel nervous about a relationship where he won't compromise for me.

Am I crazy to give up a good relationship to be near my family and go back home? I'm very close with my brother and mum and finances mean that I could only see them once per year which doesn't feel like enough. I'm torn between starting my life all over again in the UK or staying here with a man that I do love and forever missing 'home'.

I feel like a lot of people's responses have, completely understandably, been clouded by negative experiences. Has anybody been in a similar situation, stayed and ended up being ok?

...or should the lesson I take home be that there are no positive experiences and that international relationships rarely work.... :/

I think people are ok when they don't have ties in their own country. I have no family in the UK (well, apart from dh and the dcs!) and I could contemplate living anywhere, really. But some people do have very strong bonds with their home country, or even town or city: not just family, but friends they've known all their lives, football teams, and of course a job they like or career they're progressing well in. I've known people (quite a few, when I think about it) who couldn't stand living in another part of the UK, let alone abroad and have left partners or made them leave jobs in order to hot foot it back up north/down south. Some particularly parochial people even dislike living in an "alien" part of their home town.

Apologies if this has already been mentioned but be very careful about starting a family with your partner unless you are absolutely certain that you are happy to spend the rest of your life in Aus.

I think I'm right in saying that even if your relationship ended further down the line, you would not be able to relocate back to the UK and take your children with you unless you had his permission (which is doubtful).

Same situation. I'm also worried about the future, especially kids-wise.

So far, the route we've taken is to live in completely different countries to our home countries. One day though, we will have to decide.

Not much advice, but lots of sympathy and to let you know you aren't alone with the struggle.

This is a really tough situation.

Asking your partner to relocate goes way, way beyond a mere "compromise."

My comments come as the child of a diplomat who moved frequently. By the time I was 12, I had lived on three continents.

As an adult, I've lived and worked in four different countries. In addition, my husband and I have different nationalities. We lived in his country for seven years, but have now relocated to the UK, where neither of us are from originally.

I'm very close to my siblings and their spouses, but we live in four countries scattered all over the globe, and our children have never met.

In short, I have relocated a lot more than most people, and probably find it a lot easier than many do. However, it's still hard. I would have loved for our children to grow up close to their cousins, and to live near my siblings.

I would say that my international relationship has worked. But I completely understand that for many others, it would be a step too far.

If you know that you don't want to live and raise a family in Australia, I would move back to the UK sooner rather than later.

Unlike some on this thread, I don't think your partner's unwillingness to emigrate makes him selfish. Everyone has a line they're not willing to cross. Having done it, although it has worked for me, I completely understand why he's not willing to try.

Hugs and for you. It's good that both of you know your minds before it becomes even harder to go your separate ways.

My husband and I are both English, but we live in NZ. Both of us are very close to our families who are back in the UK and sometimes I feel very selfish being out here. Particularly now we have 3 year old DD who obviously has a very limited relationship with her GP's. HOWEVER we go go back regularly (always have enough money saved in case one of us needs an emergency trip back) and luckily both sets of parents come out at least once a year.
It does work.
We have just bought our 'forever' home while we live in NZ. That is not to say we will stay here forever, but definitely for the time being. I miss my family dreadfully, but I have to weigh that up against our lifestyle out here and how is would be back in the UK.
Good luck in your decision.

I think that living in a third country is quite a good compromise. dh and I emigrated, and although at times it has been stressful we are in it together, building our life here because both of us chose to do so. One person being home and the other somewhere that may be quite alien is a very different dynamic.

sorry OP, I'm on your other thread also, but reading Nooka's post I agree. I said that we're in the UK and I'm Aussie and DH Irish - I think living in a 'neutral' country has helped somewhat in that we're not always with the other ones family. I haven't been home for Christmas in 6 years and the last few years spending it with the IL (while I really like them!) has made me resentful and be a bit spiteful in the things I've said to DH.

In Australia that could be moving to a different state then your dp family?

Also setting realistic expectations of when you'll go home. Bi-yearly and even yearly isn't really realistic IMO. It's expensive and if you have DC then you need to factor that in to. As I said I go home every 2ish years and it's working out well.

Yes, also watch out for how often your family can realistically visit. It's likely to be very little unless they are wealthy and have lots of holiday time. My sister had I think one or two visits from friends, and two from family in four years. It's just a hugely expensive trip and the length of journey and time difference mean that it has to be a long visit too.

We are only ten hours away and even so have had very few visits because of cost. Cheap phone calls and skype (if you like it, I don't) are good, but never being there for family events is a bit of a kicker, and if you think that your children having a relationship with your wider family then that's going to be very different when you are so far away. My two hardly know their cousins, whereas i saw mine most weeks.

That said we are very happy to have moved, living somewhere that's not home can have all sorts of up sides, but you do have to want to be there.

My cousin met and fell in love with a New Zealander. He was really close to his brother and his parents but made the decision to stay in New Zealand and they got married.

His brother moved out there a couple of years later and also met someone and got married. My aunt and uncle moved a couple of years after that. They have a fantastic life out there and someone comes back every year to England.

DH and I are from the same place but met in the UK. However, he never wanted to go back. I have a very clear memory of me finally understanding that during a conversation (argument?) one day. Before that I always thought there was a chance he'd move.

I thought about it at that point for a really long time. Then realised that for me, my relationship with him was stronger than my desire to go home. But it was a very conscious decision.

I've always been grateful that DH was so honest with me - as your DP is being. Because I have friends whose partners say "yes yes, I'd consider moving with you" but really, have no intention of doing so and the woman doesn't realise it until she's married with three children and no options.

Nearly ten years later, I wouldn't dream of moving back even if the opportunity presented itself. I have children and a life here. My friends are here. I still miss my old friends and the family that are there, and it's particularly hard when major family events take place - MIL was ill recently and it was horrible being so far away - but I have accepted this as my home and wouldn't change it.

Only you can make this decision for yourself. If you really can't, I'd second the suggestion to return to the UK for six months and see how you feel without him.

I have a (British) friend who lives in Australia with her Aus partner. They are archeologists specialising in aboriginal remains, so they have to be there.

She used to come back once a year, and then, now her mum is retired and her dad is dead, her mum comes out to visit for 3 months every year.

Her mum is thinking of moving there permanently as the lifestyle is so great.
It's a good place to be old as the healthcare is excellent and the weather is so good.

Is that something your parents would ever consider?

My concern about your situation is that if you come home and don't find such a compatible partner, you'll have lost something you may regret forever. Whereas if you stay there, you family will always be your family, even if you see them less.

OP I did post my positive experience but also the reality of it. Some people feel it (homesickness) so keenly and others of us only feel it sometimes, around the bigger events.

If you only have your brother and mother, then it's a lot easier than if there were lots and lots of family. Also they'll love visiting you.

Think about what you would miss the most and then the reality of that. You can still call, you can still see them, you can still e-mail, FB whatever. The only difference will you won't be able to give them a hug all the time... But that's the same as if you moved further away from them in the UK, or were on holiday somewhere. Also, you've been in Australia for a while now right? Has it really interfered with your relationship?

It's hard not to catastrophize and while yes, Christmas etc sucks, as long as your family is willing to work with you it can work. I Skype with my family at Christmas and watch them open presents... my niece (nephew is too young yet) knows that it's "Aunty Del" on the iPad/computer and loves to show me all the presents. It's adorable really.

As long as you commit to having the funds to visit if you need/want (and given income in Australia isn't too shabby at all) you can visit. Also, time off in Australia is decent as well (unlike here in the U.S :S). It'd be great to have your family visit you and plan some fun activities while having time off work (as I do when family and/or friends visit).

It's not all bad, not at all.

I have never lived abroad so I can't really give much advice on that I'm afraid.

However what rings MAJOR alarm bells for me is that he is demanding that you do something in order to be with him that he has made perfectly clear is not something he would do in order to be with you. From what you've said he's not even prepared to give it a try or to work out a compromise. Somebody has to be left unhappy on this issue and it could either be one of you that is permanently unhappy or that you share the unhappiness. He has made it clear that he expects you to be the one who is permanently unhappy, so that he never has to be unhappy, and that he isn't prepared to share any of that unhappiness with you.

I believe you when you say that in every other way he is a lovely man, but this really is a fairly major factor. And I'd be very very wary before tying myself permanently to a man who has made it so clear that his happiness will trump yours. And (as pp have said) before you tie yourself to being in a position where you have DC and can't even return home if the two of you separate.

As someone else has suggested I really think you should return home for a few months (if you can job-wise) and both reconsider where you stand on this one. If after a few months apart he still would rather live without you than even give something a try to stop you being so unhappy, then I really do think you are better off without him.

I am also married to someone from a different country (the US), and we too consciously took the route of living in completely different countries. I think it would have caused a lot of bad feeling if we had settled in either the UK or the US. Now that the kids are at uni, we are going to move - back to the UK. I am very homesick, and luckily DH does not feel the same way about the US.

Having said which, your partner is probably not going to agree to a 'neutral' country, and although the US is far away (DH is from California) nowhere is as far as Oz/New Zealand in terms of most other places. I think you're very sensible to be giving this serious thought.

I had an Australian boyfriend once. I knew he wanted to go home and I knew I would really miss my family. Ultimately though, I realised that if neither of us were really willing to compromise for the other, there must be something missing. We broke up and I was sad. When I met dh though, I knew I would move to the ends of the earth to be with him, practicalities were just unimportant.
Maybe this just isn't the one for you.

How old are you OP? If you're in your 20s you've got plenty of time to start again.

I agree with Anon that I wouldn't be happy if someone wouldn't consider making the sacrifice that he was asking of me, but then it may be a scenario like my friend's where working in the UK isn't possible for him.

It's not clear from your OP how much you like living in Oz, do you miss UK itself or just your family?

My husband's French and we've always lived in London, though currently based in Paris. Although we're intending to go back, as my husband prefers the UK, I don't miss England much and could quite happily live here.

Of course it's easier to see family from here. But I think a good part of the decision rests on how you feel about the country itself.