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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh left me on sat after 10 years.

51 replies

carol3 · 20/11/2006 20:18

Dh walked out on sat things have been mbad for a while, he says he doesn't love me and he's wasted the last ten years of his life, nice !

OP posts:
Original poster
carol3 · 21/11/2006 00:06

thanks natalie jane, yes i remember I think are you due soon ? have a crap memory. I was a wreck last week he told me he was going on the monday and left on the sat, cryed on and off all week but now feel a strange sense of calm, he's been so horrid the last few months that it's relief that its stopped.
nearlythree thanks no he isn't a man !

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NatalieJane · 21/11/2006 00:14

I won't pretend I have any idea what you are going through, and I don't want to sound patronising or whatever, but if he has been being that nasty, then it is certainly the best thing in the long term. It is just the short term you are going to have to deal with.

Do you have friends/family nearby that can help with the practicalities?

(And yes, I am due next week)

mamama · 21/11/2006 00:21

Oh, carol3, I'm so sorry. The same thing happened to ne at the beginning of the year - after 10 yrs together, H decided he could do it anymore .

I won't pretend it hasn't been awful but somehow you find the strength to get through. Just take each day at a time and know that there are lots of us out here to talk to if you ever want to.

{Hugs}

Original poster
carol3 · 21/11/2006 00:33

Thank-you, have some great friends which help, and my mum who helps me with childcare. My inlaws have been fab too spent the weekend with them they're being really supportive they are really angry with him and really helped by distracting the kids over the weekend, I am really lucky I have so much support, I think I would have lost it if not.

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NatalieJane · 21/11/2006 00:44

Great stuff, lean on them all as much as you can until you are feeling a bit stronger. Is there any chance of him being big enough to sit down with the children and you so you can tell them together? If your eldest has already guessed, you really should talk to him as soon as you can, else he might be worried about things that he really needn't be worried about IYSWIM?

First things first though (and I am putting my bosy hat on now!) you really should go to bed even if you don't sleep, at least being in bed led down is restfull.

Original poster
carol3 · 21/11/2006 00:54

Nj don't think I could sit down with him at the moment, keep giving the kids lots of cuddles, I know will have to tell them soon.
Would love to go to bed but on a night shift and don't finish until 8am. My mums having dd2 (3) tommorrow though and other two at school so should get some sleep then, if my brain doesn't start racing ! You should get some sleep too, and more contractions btw.

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Donkeyswife · 21/11/2006 01:13

Carol3 I don't know what to say, have no advice to offer, but can only send you lots of love, strength and support.With support and love from friends and family, I'm sure you'll get through this difficult first bit okay, enough to soldier on through the rest of it.

Original poster
carol3 · 21/11/2006 01:22

thank you donkeyswife.

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Alibaldi · 21/11/2006 03:10

Another here who just wanted to add that you're are most definitely not alone in all this. My H also feels the same after nearly 8 yrs married. He's had (maybe still having) an affair. I can completely understand the emotions you're going through. Sending you loads of

Mell2 · 21/11/2006 09:03

Sending you lots of good wishes Carol3.

So pleased you are getting broadband this week - no need to feel lonely in the evening.

[hugs]xx

DimpledThighs · 21/11/2006 09:51

he sounds like a w"£ker - whatever has gone wrong between you to say that is just out of order.

It happened to me and it leaves you reeling it really does. Just get through each day at a time, put no pressure on yourself and let time pass as it is time that makes it feel better.

I was pregnant when it happened to me, so I just completley focused on that and didn't look beyond the due date and that was what helped me. Focus on preparing ds birthday and small things that are not going to be too taxing.

It gets easier and I am now in a better situation than before he left me.

joelallie · 21/11/2006 10:35

What an arse!! I don't suppose saying that you are well rid will help atm? 'More important thing to worry about....' Words fail me....

So sorry that this is happening. Not been through this so I can offer no words of wisdom but lots of sympathy

Mell2 · 22/11/2006 10:41

Hope you're doing ok and broadband gets going today!

NatalieJane · 23/11/2006 17:39

Carol, how is it going hunny? Still thinking of you all xxx

Original poster
carol3 · 23/11/2006 20:47

Thanks for all you messages, had a really wobbley night last night so spent the whole night on the phone, going set up the computer tomorrow hopefully, I'm at work tonight, so he came back to spend the night so I could come to work. Ds has been so sweet this week, keeps giving hugs and helping me out real sweetee.
His birthday tommorrow so at least dh will be there in the morning when he's opening his presents. Just taking one day at a time. But the support here is fantastic, thank-you.
NJ- hope things going well for you and your coping with the waiting, .

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NatalieJane · 23/11/2006 22:04

Carol, get yourself over to the 'Am I in labour?' thread, it's never far from active convo's, if that doesn't make you chuckle nothing will

Do you think this could just be a bit of a mid-life crisis on his part? It just seems so strange for someone to just get up and walk out.

Original poster
carol3 · 23/11/2006 22:56

funny he keeps saying he's having a midlife crisis !

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NatalieJane · 23/11/2006 23:01

Well I don't know if it is just an easy excuse for it (and it certainly doesn't make it any easier) but my BIL did a similar sort of thing a couple of years ago, he has always doted on his wife (my sister) and their son, and he nearly thlost them both, it took time and work but they are back to being as solid as ever, in fact they are probably enjoying a far richer relationship together now (from an outsiders POV)

Maybe, it isn't the end of the road for you to?

NatalieJane · 23/11/2006 23:02

thlost???? ...lost...

It is all the sniffing , put my brain in a spin!!!

Original poster
carol3 · 23/11/2006 23:07

trouble is his last midlife crisis was 2 and half years ago and he moved out for 5 weeks then came back full of apologies.

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NatalieJane · 23/11/2006 23:12

So he has done it before?

I would suggest you come down like a ton of bricks, he can't keep putting you and the kids through this sort of shite, tell him this time he either comes back now and if he decides to go again then that is it, or he buggers off now. You don't need him having a hissy fit hanging over your head for the rest of your life. You and the kids deserve some sort of security.

He needs to sort out in his head what it is he is running away from, or he needs to stop putting his family through it.

Original poster
carol3 · 23/11/2006 23:18

you are so right NJ,
the trouble is I don't think I could ever trust him again, he has been so awful the last three montns leading up to this, I think if he even came back and said he loved me and promised it wouldn't happen again, I'd always be living in fear of it starting again. I will always love him I've loved him from the day I met him but i have to face facts and put me and the kids first no matter how hard it is.

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NatalieJane · 23/11/2006 23:24

Well if you have already made up your mind that this is the end of the road, make it easier for yourself, you tell him to go, after tomorrow is over with, tell him you want the keys to the house, you want his stuff gone from it, and you want access to all joint accounts etc. Don't let him keep his foot in the door else he will flitter in and out for as long as he wants.

Original poster
carol3 · 23/11/2006 23:33

I know your right, but keep thinking the fliting in and out helps the kids and I need the childcare to cover my nights, but am going to be strong I just need a few weeks before a start the huge ball rolling iyswim.

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NatalieJane · 23/11/2006 23:46

I can't pretend I know how scary it is to break the cycle, the habit, of him being like this, but if you are sure it is over, you need to be strong enough, for your own sake, to tell him that. It doesn't mean he can't be there for the kids, but you and he need to make a clean break, else you will find in a years time he is still messing you all around.

Once you have decided which way you want this to go, you need to just do it, whatever it takes.