Is DP boring or do I rely on him too much for entertainment?

[LateDay]

I'd just like to start by asking you to be kind. I'm feeling a bit sensitive at the moment and I'm willing to be told that I'm in the wrong, just please be nice about it. Also, I'm not sure I've posted this in the right section, it just seemed to be the most appropriate.

Basically the problem is that I'm bored. I know its a major first world problem and most people have worse things going on.

Bit of background,... DP and I have been together 6 years. We have an almost 2 year old and a 3.10 year old. I'm a sahm but I work on Saturdays. DP used to work full time until a few months ago but due to a injury had to take a few months off. He will be starting his new job in a months time. We are both in our mid 20s. Not sure if all of that will be relevant but I don't want to drip feed.

We've finally got to the stage where the children are both past the baby stage and all the breastfeeding and co sleeping has come to an end. They can be put to bed at 7pm and won't wake up for at least a few hours. Since DC1 has been born, we've been out for one meal. That was about 18 months ago! Fair enough back then, the kids were little and due to breastfeeding and co sleeping we couldn't really leave them. our eldest also had extremely bad separation anxiety. But now there is absolutely no reason why we couldn't pay a babysitter to sit in the house while we went out for a drink or a meal or something.

Anyway, I'll get to the point, DP just doesn't really want to. He's just happy to sit in the house and watch Netflix every single night. I sit in our bedroom watching stuff on the tablet because I've got nothing else to do. If I try and talk to him, I get annoyed because it takes him a minute to answer me because he's too busy on his phone or watching TV. it's like he doesn't want to speak to me. I suggest going out and he pretends to be all up for it until I come to arranging it and then he's tired or can't be bothered or needs to stay in for whatever reason. We've been spending so much time together recently as hes been off work, but its always with the kids. I just want to do some adult only things once a month/6 weeks.

I don't have any proper friends. I've tried but I'm not from here and I've just given up now. I live in large village and its hard to be accepted here, so I can't even go out with other people. DP goes out once a week with his friends so I'm coming to the conclusion that it must be me. Whenever I try to talk about it, he just says that I'm bored all the time and its not normal.

It's not just the evenings that he doesn't like going out. We normally get our shopping delivered as we live out in the middle of nowhere. The other week I lied and said they didn't have any delivery slots left so we would have to actually go and do the shopping ourselves, just so that we didn't have to stay in again. I don't drive so I can't even go out myself. I am just so desperately lonely.

Because of my job, I can't increase my hours. it's a one day only thing. I have been looking for something with more hours though.

so I need to know am I relying on DP too much or is he boring? I do realise that we have kids and we can't be going out to wild parties every night of the week, but other couples with young children still manage to go out once in while don't they? Am I honesty asking for too much?

It sounds incredibly lonely, I think you sound very strong, I would be very depressed in your circumstances. My DH would love to live in a pretty village but I refuse because I can imagine being stuck far away from things being unable to walk anywhere and without friends. If you can move to a town I would strongly recommend it.
Whether you move or not please learn to drive, it is incredibly liberating being able to just take yourself wherever you want.
I think it would also be wonderful if you could find weekday work. Good luck op

I agree with others, you absolutely need to learn to drive, get a car and a job. You will feel so different if you have the freedom to go out and about.

After saying that, if your partner can't even strike up a conversation of an evening he sounds incredibly rude. You need to make it clear how he's coming across to you.

Definitely learn to drive - for yourself and also because if you live somewhere so isolated, you're going to need to ferry the kids about later too. For the moment could you try an OpenLearn course? You probably need a bit of intellectual stimulation as much as anything.

My DH is introverted and not bothered about going out in the evenings, so I've learned not to rely on him for entertainment. I do a very social job and stuff with friends. But I drive and live in a big city, so I'm only limited by time and budget - the benefit of an unsocial spouse is, of course, on-tap childcare .

The advice to get a job and learn to drive isn't being harsh btw. I think you are isolated. I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like. If it's otherwise great, I'm glad for you. But having a bit of your own money, being able to drive to somewhere to meet a larger range of people, can give you independence. Which from your post, I got the feeling you need.

I think your DP dont appreciate your isolation as he's in the village where he knows everyone. (And I'm guessing they know everyone else and has no need for new friends). Working and fill your time and give you a sense of self outside the home.

And I mean a job that's more hours. You have 6 days of free time. It is only going to get worse as the children grow up.

Am I lonely? I don't think friendship comes easily to me and I wish it did. Otoh, I've realised recently that I'm happy in my own company a lot of the time. People here do include me when they get a group together, which is nice. Being in the fb village group helps with that. This village is particularly welcoming of newcomers, I think. The school is definitely the focus of the social activity.

Are you still in touch with friends from the past? Feeling important to someone is very important. I have just a couple of good friends, and that means that the rest of the time as long as I talk to somebody during the day, I'm fine.

I'm sure having a job where I feel useful helps too. Good luck at the pub!

It sounds like you are an extrovert (you draw energy from being around other people) and your DP is an introvert (draws energy from being alone.)

Would it make more sense for him to be the SAHP and you to go back to work? Or would that not work financially?

I would definitely suggest getting driving lessons asap as at least then you could go out on your own. Presumably if it's 2hrs on bus to nearest city it's about an hour by car - not particularly convenient, but you could get to meet-up events perhaps.

I grew up in a village and I found rural and suburban life stifling. I am much happier in a city. I would seriously consider moving when you can. I know it feels a shame to change schools but children are far more adaptable in that way than we are as adults!

A bit of an update incase you're interested.

I've 99% sure I've got an evening job in the pub! The manager said she would hire me but just needs to let the owner know. I should be starting next week.

This will probably sound like a minor thing but I worked up the courage to ask a mum from nursery (that I don't know) to meet with the DC. She said yes. We had a really nice afternoon. It was amazing how much happier I felt after. Just a small thing.

And I've lost my provisional driving licence so I'm going to apply for a new one and start my driving lessons in September once DC1 starts school an DC2 goes back to the childminders one morning a week. That's the perfect time for me to do the lessons.

I know this isn't much to do with socialising, but I haven't had a haircut for nearly a year and a half. So I've booked myself in tomorrow to get my very very long hair cut to shoulder length. I just feel like I need a bit of a change.

I did speak to DP again about why he doesn't want to do anything anymore and he just says he wants to make the most of not being at work. But the thing is, he's always been like this. Looking back, even when we first starting seeing each other, I can only think of 2 occasions that we went out on an actual date! The rest of the time we just spent in each other's houses. I was so in love, I didn't really notice at the time. (I was 18 when we met) I've never properly been introduced to any of his friends and he's never wanted to meet mine.

So now I'm just going to try and do things without him. I think I've done well so far.

Thank you to everyone for all the advice, you've all made me realise I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and do something about it!

Well done OP that's a great start and you sound much happier. Thanks for coming back and letting us know how you're doing and good luck for the future

Thank you, I feel a lot more positive.

Oh and I've just had a phone call, I start my new job this week!

Just found this thread and so happy to read that stuff is coming together for you. Whilst it isnt his job to make life exciting for you, he actually sounds like a fun-sucker.

Great news on the evebing job. Id take advantage of the fact he spends every evenig in (aside from his weekly night out) and book something in every eveni g - bit of work, a late driving lesson when you start, an evening class.

That's great about the pub job - and the new friend/contact and the new haircut! Just great to hear how much better you're feeling really.

Shame about DP being boring, but it doesn't need to stop you improving your life.

Good luck with the driving lessons!

Oh, and the afternoon with the mother from nursery being a small thing? Life is made up of small things, really, isn't it?

What a lovely update - well done you for getting out there and getting things done!

Oh, and the afternoon with the mother from nursery being a small thing? Life is made up of small things, really, isn't it?

^ This is so true!

Well done OP, let us know how your first day at work goes, congratulations for getting up and doing something about your situation!

Well done!

What a positive thread this has become :)

what a lovely thread :)

congratulations on the new job op

Just read this thread
Congratulations on your new job OP and well done for getting driving lessons and meeting up with another mum
Sounds like everything is coming together for you - so pleased to hear

Good Luck at the pub. It is a great way to.meet people and you get paid too! Nice that things are looking up for you