Any one else been single a long time?

[happyandsingle]

Just realised I've been single over seven years now pretty much all of my 30s apart from one brief relationship.
Since my daughter was born basically I've bought her up from birth with no one to share those times with which makes me pretty sad sometimes.
Has anyone else been single a long time and how do you come to terms with it?
I'm 36 now and I want to learn to stop panicking about my long term single status. I have dabbled with Internet dating but am not over confident so not sure that's the way to go.
Not really sure what response I'm expecting but it would be nice to hear from others who have been single a long time as I'm beginning to feel like the only one out there.
Might add that I don't get a lot of alone time so it's hard to get out and meet someone plus never have a lot of spare cash as get no financial help from dd dad. Pl ignore my username as I don't feel like I am happy being single any more lol.

I think when it comes to dating men have it easier. More choice for them,able to get younger women etc. The dating world seems to go in men's favour most of the time.

TheTruth, love your attitude re bed arrangements! I should stock up on more pillows!
happy, sort of, apart from women who want to date older men (of decent standards) usually find that these men are not really single! Younger women do not date minging older men. So logically (and from observation) it seems like women make do with attached men more so than the men do the same.

I have only been single for two years, but I am really not interested in a relationship at all. Ever again. I am only in my early 20s, but I think I'd be quite happy to live my life alone (with my DS and cat).

My father was abusive, DS's dad was (and his dad), both of my granddads and a great granddad too. No doubt this has shaped my perception of relationships, as my sister is exactly the same as me (although she doesn't have any children yet, but she wants them, so she may look for a relationship eventually).

If you're happy, who cares what others think! I agree with PP who said that if a man doesn't meet the criteria, it's better to be alone.

I've been single almost forever - the relationships I've had have all been distance relationships. I seem to be unloveable.

Mostly, I don't mind too much - I get to do what I want when I want (well, work and finances permitting.) But I go months without having anyone touch me or give me a hug (have given up thinking I'll ever have sex ever again.) Of course it's better to be alone than in a crap relationship, but sometimes I think I want staff to deal with the chores I find most tiresome. And just someone to share the day with, talk things through with. And share the decisions with. God, I get bored with having to make decisions about what to do with the car, how to fix this problem, that problem. And to know that if I didn't exist, it would make a difference to someone. I don't think it would most of the time. (This is not just down to being single, but also both my parents are dead, and I don't have many friends locally.)

I'm nearly 54, divorced 6 years, 1DD of 11.

I divorced because EH is an alcoholic......and in reality our relationship was on the rocks 3 years before then.

It could've been easy to fall into another relationship when we split but thank God I didn't. I worked on my self esteem and confidence, and I am self assured enough to realise that I am better off on my own.

Sure, I miss sex and companionship, but realistically I am so much happier and better off with the way things are.....I am not desperate and I think that is the key.

I remember my mum having boyfriends and the uncertainty of who would be a permanent fixture. I certainly don't want my daughter to go through that and she is the same age now that I was (though my mum was only 30. She did marry again when she was 35)

I work in a mainly female environment so very little chance of meeting single men there. Join clubs/have interests? Unrealistic for me as I work shifts and we are not allowed to request the same day off/week to pursue an interest.

I have looked at OLD. What a bear pit. Just about all the men my age are looking for someone 20 years younger.....simply because they can! Most of them appear to behave very badly. One of my male friends (who is in his 60's) told me that he'd like me to be his girlfriend.....er thanks but no thanks!!!

I feel validated when I read Stella Grey (Guardian, sorry I can't do the link thing) and her OLD experiences. Women are always going to be up against it. And even if you do get lucky it feels that the men are always looking for that next best thing. The majority of threads on here seem to back that up.

I am worth much much Much more.

most men I encounter are just so bloody disappointing

Oh god yes. They have all these lists of criteria that you have to meet and if you bother to meet up with these guys, despite the list, you sit there thinking "well I meet all your requirements. You, on the other hand, have rather let yourself go dear*, have little wit, not much intelligence, and a rather inflated ego."

• Yes, I know and yes it was deliberate. This explains why reverse sexism doesn't exist.

True about men on OLD sites looking extremely rough at best when they're the same age as me! Men are encouraged to think that they're loveable just the way they are (bald, overweight, charmless) whereas us women are mostly still on the beauty treadmill way into our pensioner years. When I do go out with someone they're always younger - men my age just don't do it for me at all!

And yy to corrosive sexism. Many of the attitudes you encounter are just shocking. Leave 'em to their lonely wanking over weird porn and move on... Oddly, younger men are often better on this score too. Maybe (the clever ones anyway) they've been more exposed to critical arguments about sexism and equality.

I always specify that I'm looking for younger men on OLD sites. The irritation it causes men my age (who are invariably specifying younger women themselves, but charitably decide to message me) is wonderful.

I'm a 41-yr old man. Single over 5 years. I have a female friend, 38, who has been single coming up to 9 years (no children). She's attractive, intelligent, has varied interests, large social circle/clubs, always out and about, did internet dating for 5 years. So I back up the PP who said that "there's someone for everyone" is bullshit.

I have had several brief relationships post-divorce three years ago and it has put me off for life.

I will never marry again, no man will share my money, the thought of sharing my bed night after night with a sweaty hairy smelly farting body - no thanks.

I don't want to live with a man, their mess, the bathroom noises, the smells, the fussy eating, the compromising.

I don't want a relationship, the constant texting and calls, what you doing? How's your day? When you free?

Just leave me in peace to do what I want when I want!!!!

(Can you tell I am off men?)

The one thing I do miss is the intimacy. But on my terms. So occasional short casual relationships do me fine.

" "there's someone for everyone" is bullshit."

For anyone wondering why some people manage to meet people relatively quickly and easily whilst others struggle, I'd say it's luck and/ or a greater willingness to compromise. One can be very attractive both physically and personality-wise and be single for a long time. Some people just get lucky and meet the right person at the right time. Others make more compromises and end up in below-par relationships that I wouldn't tolerate. I would have had more relationships if I'd been prepared to be the OW or if I'd been OK with someone going straight from one relationship to another. However, I choose never to be the OW and frankly if you are in a shit relationship, you can get out of it before you work out whether or not you want a relationship with me.

Often I find the worst people for giving advice are those who were fortunate to meet the right person at the right time because they don't seem to acknowledge the role that luck played in this. You just get told "oh but you're so picky. When I met DH I really wasn't sure because I never date men below 6' tall and he's 5'11, sometimes you just have to compromise". Really, I'm old enough to have worked out what are my deal breakers, where I might make compromises, and the shit that really doesn't matter.

And on that note, I should get to work.

OP - why are you "panicking" about long term singledom?

I admit I blooming love it. That said, I think there are lot things in our culture that say it is wrong, you will be lonely etc. For me, good friends are much more important. Don't fall into the trap of thinking it's the only way you can be happy.

I am often amazed at how much people don't enjoy their relationships. it can get weird with friends when you know both parties...! I think a lot of people get wtih someone for the sake of it.

Since before my daughter was born, so 7 years. I wouldn't mind a boyfriend but I don't want a partner and certainly don't want to live with someone. You have to make the effort to meet someone, i.e. have coffee with a lot of frogs, and I just can't be arsed.

the thought of sharing my bed night after night with a sweaty hairy smelly farting body

Well, I do but at least it's my own Oh, and the cat.

If you want to be all spiritual about it, there probably is 'someone for everybody' but that doesn't mean you're going to meet each other, or be available if you do!

Totally agreed about double standards. The 'transaction' most men still look for is too unequal: too many want an attractive, well-groomed, lively, interesting, sexy, active woman with her own money, who will provide round-the-clock domestic services and unquestioning admiration. In return the same men offer occasional DIY, the odd bunch of flowers and monologues about their own interests I actually don't blame women who look primarily for financial input - it's one way of getting a fair return on investment!

NAMALT, obvs, but you have to be either fully dedicated (read slightly desperate) or incredibly lucky to find a fair transaction that suits you. I'm not in a good position to be that lucky, and can't be arsed with scouring the earth. So I'm happy with what I've got - me!

something that's a good side-effect - I'm not hugely concerned with what I look like but I do get the sense that in OLD it's a big deal. So I'm relieved I don't have any interest in coupling up because that sounds like a mare.

Seriously single for 10 years. I'm only 31! I have a young daughter from a fling but haven't had a relationship and I'm unsure about taking the risk again. My XH did the usual and it hit quite hard.
I may have a prospect on the horizon, but am very unsure on my feelings about another relationship.

YYY, achieve!

Ah, well, horsey, you may as well go with it and see how you feel :) The good thing is that you know you're okay - you don't "need" a partner, so you're fully able to pick & choose.

The fact that I've made a blanket choice is all to do with my circumstances - if I were 31, healthy and generally sorted, I'd probably give a few chaps a fair trial if they were good enough

I've been single for nine and a half years, since the ex left when I was pregnant with DS. Since then it's just been me and DS, which on the whole I absolutely love. I'm nearly 43, and I've gone through phases when I've dated or had a fling but there have been no relationships since DS's dad. I second the posters above who said that when it comes to dating, especially OLD, lots of the men in my age bracket expect perfection from a woman but are hugely disappointing themselves. I've tended to date younger men but that has its own issues, as they often want kids of their own further down the line and I don't want any more DC.

My friends are all married and I get the sense that they pity me for being single and are scared of the same happening to them, so they tolerate the (largely shit) relationships they're in. There isn't one of their marriages that I'd want to be in. Not one. I'm not prepared to 'settle', in fact I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than compromise on a sub-par relationship just for the sake of being in one.

Single for 13 years. Love it. Like my own company, have tv, books, internet, films. never feel like being in a relationship. Happy with my (older teen) kids and my dogs and cats for company.

I think one of the glorious things about being long-term single is that you won't tolerate sub-par nonsense from men for very long. Twice now I've dumped men for low-grade fuckery and they've been astonished that I wouldn't give them a second chance - 'well yes, I was being a bit of a dick, but aren't you women supposed to coax me out of that with blow jobs and pizza?' Erm no mate, you're alright - on you go.

The downside is lack of sex. And (as someone else said) having constantly to be the adult in charge - always.

Single for 6 years, now 41. I entertain the occasional fantasy about having a nice man, although I find it's becoming increasingly abstract. As other posters have said, there are very, very few real-life relationships that I feel envious of. I can't be arsed with all the expected wifework.

I notice that most of my coupled friends are in touch constantly. I get that if you need to be in touch for kids etc but the contant "how is your day going" that some people like really throws me.

I am also an introvert so the idea of having to incorporate someone else's friends and family isn't one I can get on board wtih. I have enough people, I love them, but not asking for more

I've only been single for a year but I was single for nearly 6 years before that with two dates (and they were both with men I didn't fancy) and that was it. Before then, I had a brief relationship with a flatmate. So I think of myself as long term single as I've never had a relationship that's lasted over a year - things have been very on/off with my ex but I won't be getting back with him properly for various reasons.

I had my trust broken with him very badly so I think in all honesty it will be at least a few years before I'm ready for any kind of serious relationship again. I'm at the age where people are starting to get married and have children so it's a bit depressing, especially when at family gatherings relatives don't even bother asking me asking if I have a boyfriend anymore as they know the answer will be no! I know lots of people who seem to jump into new relationships very easily (including my ex) and that just never happens to me. But to be fair, I don't put any effort in. I won't do OLD, I'm in a female dominated profession, have mostly female oriented hobbies, don't have a wide social circle, am very introverted etc. All of that makes meeting a man very hard. I am bi so technically I have more opportunity but I don't live somewhere that has a very big gay scene so I don't know how to even go about finding a same sex relationship. I automatically think about men in that scenario as that's all I've known.

Having said all that, I did get asked out by a guy recently. He was decent looking with a good job and seemed nice but I just wasn't feeling it. I quite like being independent and being able to do what I like without having to answer to anyone plus relationships seem to bring out my jealous side and insecurities which I don't like. I'd rather just focus on my career and build my self esteem around that for now. My mum is constantly nagging me about it, she thinks I'm missing out and can't understand why I'm not bothered about it. Even from childhood I've never thought I would get married so I've kind of accepted that it will probably never happen. Which I'm sure most people would say I'm far too young to be thinking that but I think because of my personality type and the fact I don't feel any 'need' to be in a relationship that it's far more likely than not. Plus, all of my relationships I've been let down and lied to. Don't really fancy putting myself through all of that. I just wonder what the point is when it's likely going to happen again. Cynical but I don't trust my own judgement when it comes to men now and that's something I'm going to need to spend a lot of time trying to resolve.

I have been in long term relationships all my adult life from when I was 17.

This is the first time I have ever been truly single and it is liberating. If only I'd known before, I wouldn't have wasted so many years putting up with grumpy, boring, possessive and controlling men.