Need some perspective, feel like all the fun has gone

[vikinginvasion]

I've been married 3 years and have an 11mth DC. Together 5 yrs before the wedding.

I feel constantly let down by DH. He pretty much lives how he always did, goes away for weekends and often does sport in the weeknights after work. I do 95+% of childcare and I'm knackered. I don't have anything to talk to him about anymore as all i do relates to looking after DC. He's even started sleeping in the spare room so he can get an undisturbed night before work. I feel like we're living separate lives in different universes.

Lately I wonder whether I'd actually find it easier on my own and that makes me very sad. I need to find the spark again. Any tips for finding the fun and laughter we used to have pre-children?

Oh well, guess I'll just keep on keeping on then

OP, so sorry to hear how things have become for you, I think you must be feeling very lonely. Your DH has acted, and is now acting on his own terms and does not see himself as an equal or co-partner with you when it comes to your relationship or child care. IME this kind of behaviour is very hard to change without some massive (and unlikely) conversion, like you have said - you two are living in different universes.

No tips for you, very sadly. I think from now on you must make your own way.

You need to have a conversation with him about the balance of things in your relationship... And let him know you want some time out yourself

Have you told your DO how you feel?

Do you go out? Have nights off? Rest?
If not, why not?

Communication!

My now ex did this and I tried everything but could not get thru to him, short version I gave up and we went down separate paths I completely fell out of love with him and eventually left causing him and our children great upset. I did try absolutely everything but just could not get him to see how low level miserable, unsupported and lonely I was. And I WAS happier on my own and it WAS easier (except financially but I worked thru that eventually). Now twenty years later we are good friends having worked past all the anger and bitterness but it isn't easy, our children suffered but not as much as those of my friends who compromised and stayed in unhappy relationships. I wish you all the very, very best and my only advice is try everything absolutely everything to make it work because once you walk it's over.

I have had or tried to have numerous conversations but they just aren't getting anywhere

last time we talked he agreed to take one afternooneach week off work (he's self employed) to give me a break but the last few weeks he's used the time to go swimming, go clothes shopping and do some urgent work so he thinks he's made a huge change to help me but actually its only given me about 1 hour extra away from DC.

I left taking the children with me (not sure that was clear from my post )

Do you work at all?

I've had 2 nights out with friends since DC. and a few day things like a massage or a yoga class here and there so not loads but not dreadful and i could arrange more.

my difficulty is more that i feel we're just going separate ways because spending time with DC/me is not his priority and I'm really sad about it

Lightning I've been on mat leave but go back to work full time in 2 weeks

Perhaps you need to be very blunt (or show him what you have said here). FWIW when our first dc was about 12-15 months we went through a very tough period, we had become so consumed with the baby we forgot about us. We got through it thank goodness but it wasn't easy. My husband was also very hands on with dc though, so quite different in that respect, but speaking with friends after the fact in turned out that most went through similar around the same point

I think you will be able to reassess the situation once you are working if he still doesn't listen or participate in your life as long as you work you have everything you need. The biggest problem with some men is that just don't understand what's at stake. You have your kids and the ability to support them and you he is actually just a bonus and if he's behaving like a liability he needs to either wake up and realize it or watch your gorgeous ass walking away from him

Ha thank you lightening for reminding me, i do have a gorgeous ass

This is really helping me think more clearly and its true that I have everything I need to support myself. its just sad to feel DH is not prioritising being a family.

I feel let down and disappointed. i always imagined he'd be a wonderful father but the last few months have shown maybe i was wrong.

fhdl thank you, good to know it can be worked through, and that I'm not alone in my experiences