Help me be relaxed!

[LlamaLover]

Hi,

My first attempt at a relationship for 3 years (!) and I'm struggling a little with seeing how it goes and having fun with it.

My ex led a double life and lied, lied, lied to me for years and continues to do so. I have a 4 year old and 15 month old and have just been Mum, co-sleeping, breastfeeding - there for them only 24 hours a day. My DD is now sleeping through the night (mostly!) and I feel so much better and able to spend some time on me too.

I've met up again with an old school friend and things have developed and we are giving things a go. Trouble is I am struggling a little with going with the flow and seeing how it all works out. We see each other once a week for the last 6 weeks and chat via text most days inbetween. He's kind and funny and has no issues with me having kids or a crazy jealous ex. All good right?

So, why do I want to jack it all in if he doesn't contact me for 24 hours ish? I think he's either a) with someone else or b) not that into me and think to myself I'll just jack it in before I get hurt.

It's so frustrating as I used to be very carefree and happy to see where things led and evaluate if I liked someone or not at the beginning of a relationship. Now I'm petrified of getting hurt and desperate for him to adore me immediately.

If I am thinking straight I know its right that someone who is 36 has other stuff going on and isn't able/willing to spend every day with me immediately. But - gah! - I need more reassurance than I would care to admit to him or anyone else in real life.

Tell me to just chill out. And stop.checking.my.phone! I know in a few months it will either peter out or will develop into something more. I know I just need to be patient and have fun. But I'm struggling to do that! Bloody legacy of my stupid cheating arse of an ex!

Anyone had similar or got any advice?

You will have inbuilt "autopilot" thoughts from all that time with the lying twunt .. Don't be too hard on yourself try to slow down your thinking and rationalise.. In time you can build new thinking habits (but it takes conscious effort)

I recommend Dr Steve peters the chimp paradox book

Llama lover, I totally hear you!
Sounds like you're (understandably) terrified of being hurt again so running away before any potential rejection is better than sticking around to see what could happen?
Sounds like you really like this guy. Sometimes taking it slow is the best way. I've been in your cant-stop-checking-my-phone-please-text-me shoes & it's totally normal (I think!) but maybe try & surround yourself with other stuff; friends, family, doing stuff with the kids etc to take your mind off feeling fixated on him. Let nature take its course & I really hope it works out for you

What 'other stuff' does he have going on that means he can only see you once a week, or is that you can only see him once a week because of childcare issues?

To return to your former carefree and happy state of mind don't seek affirmation from, or look to put your trust in, men you barely know and trust yourself to know that if a guy does the dirty on you, meh, you'll survive and it'll be his problem for being such a pillock he's missed out on the amazing woman that is you.

Ime of casual dating the more guys get the impression that you're not a walkover and won't be devastated if you don't see them any more, the keener they become.

Thanks all, have ordered that book thanks MadamLeBean.

I'm very aware if I come across 'desperate' its not attractive as I've been on the other end of that.

'Other stuff' is work for him until 6pm-8pm most nights and spending time with friends - playing golf, watching football, going to BBQs at weekends. He also lives 40 mins away. He is mostly booked up a few months worth of weekends ahead of time before we got together. We have a weekend away together booked for mid August.

For me - needing to be home with kids. I have no family nearby so no chance of free babysitting. And my DD has only just reliably gone to bed OK, so couldn't have anyone babysit before for an evening.

So not massive amounts of spare time for either of us anyway. Gah!

I was like this with with my DP for nearly two years, past insecurities made me put the barriers up if I didn't hear from him, morning texts without a pet name, phone calls every day.......it wasn't him though it was me and it was because I felt so much for him and didn't want to lose him and because of last hurt I drove myself mad!!

I used to literally slap myself silly for being like this and convince myself that because it was so good, it had to go wrong, I would look for ways to break up with him just so I could tell myself......I told you so.

It was all in my head and because of a very bad marriage break up which I let affect me massively I ran the risk of ruining my relationship with my DP.

I did get over it, I shared it with DP, not in every minute detail but enough for him to understand my insecurities and where they had come from and over time they got less and less, I still have the odd moment and quite literally kick my own arse for it.

Hang in there, it's a defence mechanism but you can get through it.