Shall I set a wedding date?

[TopOfTheCliff]

My lovely DP proposed to me a year ago after 3 happy years and I accepted. We have sold our own houses, bought a large joint property (protecting our input, Declaration of Trust deeds etc) and set up home. Our 6 adult DC get on okay, all seems good.

He is a lovely man with lots of friends, nice family, kind to everybody and cherishes me. BUT BUT BUT - he is a messy clutterer and hoarder, always busy with projects and an obsessive hobby and never has time for mundane tidying or sorting out stuff. His STUFF is invading our house. I have zoned it so there are my spaces, his spaces and public space. He makes his bit (the basement) uninhabitable and smelly and uncomfortable. The joint parts need ruthless patrolling and I frequently have to escape to friends when it gets too much.
He is coming to the end of a big work project and has really been too busy to concentrate on our home. But he is keen to organise the wedding.

We both have failed marriages behind us. I had a genius batty academic XH who expected to be looked after and I got worn out. DPs DW left him for OM frustrated by his hobbies (and his clutter). I don't want another failed marriage.

SO I am minded to tell him we need to sort out the house first. No wedding until he has proved he cares enough for my wellbeing to make our home efficient and comfortable and welcoming. But he is too old to change much, and very loveable as he is. Am I being unrealistic? or too controlling?

At the end of the day if I tell him there won't be a wedding until he has sorted his stuff I would be quite happy to live with him as we are indefinitely. Oh and some important information to add - his parents are also hoarders who trashed their house and made it uninhabitable and he had to clear it out which he hated and vowed not to turn into them!!!

Please give me your views.

Of course his hoard is his belongings, but they're a different type.

The OP didn't say he 'won't be in that category' she said her husband is a happy hoarder, whereas his father was an anxious one. A bit of a moot point given that her basement is now 'uninhabitable, smelly and uncomfortable'.

I don't think expecting your basement to be habitable is particularly intolerant.

If he was continuing to live alone, he could carry on in his own sweet way. But if he wants to live with somebody else, then he will have to compromise. If you don't see why he should have to change, equally why should the OP?

Ultimately, you think the OP is 'controlling', I think she sounds normal and has a partner with a problem.

We're not going.to agree, so I don't see anything more can be said.

Thank you both for your input. Twinkle I have seen your posts before on hoarding threads and value your expertise greatly. Backfor you are very kind. DPs parents watch those programmes with no insight or self awareness at all into their own problems.

I have read extensively about obsessive hoarders and have seen the rating scales for assessing the clutter in a room. My DPs parents are pretty extreme on the scale and become very anxious if their stuff is moved whereas he is "mild to moderate" and lets me sort out lots of it without being too defensive.
Some of this is to do with a green recycling attitude of not liking waste and being thrifty, like keeping all the free T shirts he is given at sports events. Some is just a weird attachment to hobby things like resistors and capacitors and LEDs !
It seems this is a relative issue and some posters wouldn't tolerate any hoarding at all while others see compromise and sharing as fundamental to a successful partnership. I am realistic about the unlikelihood of DP changing his attitude to his belongings (or indeed me changing my attitude to them) but if we can find a way to store them and keep communal space free and attractive then I will be happy.

Twinkle has offered you a great insight far more then anything I could come up with.

I will say this, I don't think you should get married. I also don't think this man will ever get to grips with his obsessive/compulsive disorder its to ingrained in his life.

I'd take a long step back think long and hard about what your life will look like in a few years.

TopofTheCliff,
It seems to be a sad fact of life that those of us who are organised and tidy seem to attract those that aren't!

I am a bit concerned that you describe his own space - basement - as "smelly". What is causing the pong down there? Could it be a magnet for rodent infestation? You really need to address this as it could be a health hazard.

"The joint parts need ruthless patrolling and I frequently have to escape to friends when it gets too much. " This is concerning.

The fact that his first wife left him over his clutter doesn't bode well either.

I suppose it all depends on what your tolerance levels are but I wouldn't set a wedding date just yet. Personally, it doesn't look workable in the long term.