How can I make things right?

[beauty2]

Here we are, on a fab holiday, 2 x Dd's, the eldest being 20, ( it was her choice to join us, paid for) and as per she's being downright miserable and arsey.
TBH this has been her general attitude towards me especially,since she was about 7yrs old. Don't get me wrong, I'm no wallflower and haven't sucked up to the insolent moods and little digs along the way ( a long way) but by now, I'm bloody brassed off. Nothing is ever right,my mood, my jokes, my cooking, my suggestions, my opinions......nothing.
I always suspected she resented her sister being born ( 3 years gap) and I still think she still hates it. I haven't got a relationship problem with the youngest apart from the odd teenage/ menopausle spat. But the eldest seems to resent that we get along. I would with Dd1 if it wasn't for her rubbish attitude and we do, if she's in the right mood.
What can I do? Ignore it? Accept it? Is this her personality and we just clash?
Just so you know, I was a SAHM and did my best. She's at uni, we're fully supportive of everything ( always have been) and given everything that we could. We have a good family and on the outside look perfect but it's bloody well far from it.
I suppose I just feel really sad for myself and a family situation that should be text book Waltons. Advice needed please

beauty2,
Your daughter is an adult not a child.
In a year's time she'll have her degree and be entering the job market and boy will she have a rude awakening!
IMO she's far too old to be going on family holidays. Why can't she go on holiday with her friends?
Stop paying for anything and everything for her and if she complains tell her to get a p/t job.
As others have said, you wouldn't take this attitude from friends or work colleagues, so don't take it from her.

It's because she loves you, strange as it might seem. This transitional period from teenager to adult is a difficult one and, despite her apparent confidence, she is probably full of insecurities. You are the one person she can count on to love her unconditionally and she is testing your love, especially as she feels you love her sister more.

I genuinely think that it will right itself with time, as is apparent from some of the PP's contributions. She takes things out on you because you are closest to her. I used to have big rows with my DDs (but lots of happy times) as teenagers. Now they have boyfriends, they take the brunt and the DDs are genuinely lovely to me 95% of the time. But they do have rows with the boyfriends who won't accept things in the way as a parent will, because the bonds are not permanent and the love is not unconditional - so they have learned to give and take more.

Try not to do things for her that she can do for herself and try to keep calm and have a rational discussion about what needs to change. Also, try to spend time with her - lunch out etc - and try to reconnect with her. She does love you, you know, even if she isn't showing it right now. She will probably be posting on here in a few years saying what a wonderful mother she has.

Where is your DH in all this?

Is is pulling her up on her behaviour?
Is he supporting you?
Is he taking YOU out to dinner?
Is he helping you to talk to her?
Is he talking to her about her behaviour?

I have 2 DDs. DD1 was lovely until her mid-teens, when XH decided that anything she said had more validity than anything I said or did. She dropped out of school at 16 (nothing I could do as legally an adult in Scotland) and XH paid her to 'do housework', which she never did. Eventually got her a dead end job and made her pay digs, which DH then returned to her as 'pocket money'. She left home at 17, moved to the other end of the country and was supported by XH, despite working full time. It is only now, 7 years on, that our relationship is starting to mend, because she is expecting her own child. in the meantime, DD2 has had to put up with the nasty divorce, XH telling her he had a new family and not giving her birthday or Christmas presents, moving house and school. She had her moments, but is now at uni, supporting herself, and is a very pleasant young woman. She and DD1 get on like cats and dogs.

I don't know what the answer is. DD2 is coming on holiday with me next year, and i am paying for her accommodation, but she is having to pay for her own flights, park tickets etc. And if there's any sulking, she can bugger off back home! It will be her last family holiday with me. She'll want to go off with her pals after that.

What do you think she would say about you if asked? What is the root of her unhappiness?

I don't have personal experience but I do think you shouldn't be blaming yourself. I think the job of a parent is to raise children to the point where they are capable of living independently. Your DD is at uni and perfectly able to take care of herself so I think she now needs a little tough love. If she isn't happy at spending time at home/on holiday with you etc then I would tell her that she is welcome to spend her time elsewhere with her friends. As far as I'm concerned our children shouldn't get to call all the shots. She is an adult and needs to start acting like one and treating you with the respect she would give to other adults.

There is a lot of sense in what Moonlight says. I think it's more about hidden insecurities and jealousy than being spoilt. Aren't first-borns often really determined and driven to succeed? Trying to separate, be independent and prove themselves? Hopefully they'll calm down as they age, and realise they can be nice without it being a weakness or dependency.