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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

sex again (sorry!)

14 replies

moresexplease · 20/11/2006 18:34

In the past I'd say dh and I had similar sex drives although perhaps I've always been the one more willing to discuss different ideas and so on. We always used to have a great time together between the sheets. The relationship is still good- he's a great guy and I still fancy the pants off him and he says he does me too. But over the past 2/3 yrs since arrival of ds I've been less confident with myself and haven't been so confident with being the one to initiate sex. On a couple of occasions I've tried to initiate it and he's said he's just watching something on TV or has some office work to finish, so our sex life has gone v quiet (not so good waiting for bedtime as am exhausted by then!). I'm pretty sensitive these days and am quickly taking the rejection personally although he says it's not me but surely it should be a two way thing? It's just not a turn-on to always have to ask dh for sex. we have a great time when we DO get things started (which would be more often if I didn't feel so worried about being rejected by him) and when we've tried talking about it he says he loves being so close and so on but the evidence just doesn't show that- surely if he enjoyed it so much he'd occasionally be the one to ask/approach for it? We have a good relationship in other aspects but I'm so b**y frustrated! What does anyone suggest?

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Daisypops · 20/11/2006 18:49

I'm no expert but could you try sendind him cheeky text messages or sexy pics of you. Try and get him in the mood by been a bit kinky. Dress up, suprise him, thats what I'd do.

moresexplease · 20/11/2006 19:26

I've sent naughty texts before and even the peephole bra and pantie thing (eekkk!) He loved it all on the night but there's been no mention of it (from him) since, am at a loss. Am starting to seriously think he's just gone off me

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NotQuiteCockney · 20/11/2006 20:27

It may just be that he's not in the habit of starting things? Do you actually have to jump him to get things going, or does a hint or two suffice?

kittylette · 20/11/2006 20:43

could you plan a night alone together?

if youve got littleuns, he might be worried youll be disturbed?

why not txt him when hes at work saying 'fancy some fun tonight, been thinking about you all day' then make them a bit kinkier?

moresexplease · 20/11/2006 20:55

thanks for the ideas. The text thing never seems to have much effect these days- used to work pre-kids. He used to start things off as much as me before kids were around but now I have to spell it out for him- I've bought toys and v soft porn and had evenings in (I've always been pretty willing to give most things a go! ) and he's fine as long as it's been my idea. Occasionally on weekend mornings he'll reach for me but by then kids are up and running around and by then I'm the one who worries about the them disturbing us! I'm tired of always making the effort but the one time I was subborn and decided to wait till he showed some interest I gave up after 4 months! Can't go through that again! Just want him to find me desirable for a change.....maybe I'm just not! Am size 16 have wobbly post-baby body, have never let it bother me before but it's all getting me down just now

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NotQuiteCockney · 20/11/2006 21:25

Ah ... I bet he's more interested in the mornings, generally. That's a pretty normal male thing, imo and ime.

Could you suggest setting the alarm a bit early for some morning fun? Or would you worry too much about the kids visiting?

moresexplease · 20/11/2006 21:43

he's always bn an early riser (so to speak!) but lo's wake early and smallest is often in our bed from early hours anyway. When 1st born was little and used to share our bed we'd sneak off to spare room for fun but spare room now kids room so not poss. Could try alarm thing though for nights when ds stays in own room. Because of work we don't often go to bed at same time these days and so mornings aren't always great anyway as he needs to sleep in later. I keep getting the blame for being moody when imo I'm just frustrated!

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NotQuiteCockney · 20/11/2006 21:56

Any chance of squeezing in a nooner? Or luring him to bed before bedtime?

The thing is, if he's not used to starting things, it's hard for him to start starting things. (Or, is it possible he does sometimes try to start things, but his subtle methods aren't noticed? Probably not, but worth asking ...)

It might work to give him a subtle way to suggest things, as an alternative ...

wannaBe1974 · 20/11/2006 21:57

sounds to me as if you're not feeling that confident about yourself though. Maybe if you were feeling more confident about yourself, this would be picked up on by dh and things would improve? How much time do you get to yourself? could you go to the jim/swimming for an hour two/three times a week? Not by any means suggesting that you need to lose weight, but sometimes just a bit of exercise and doing something for you can make you feel very good about yourself. Then buy a new outfit, get a babysitter and book a night away with dh and rekindle that feeling away from the kids.

moresexplease · 20/11/2006 22:40

You're right wannabe, I'm not as confident as I'd like to be at the moment but I'm sure this partly comes from not feeling sexy. I get hardly any (read no) time for myself between kids, dh,housework, parents, and p/t work. I know sex isn't everything in a relationship but it's always been a big part of ours and certainly contributes to how good I feel in myself. I live in a rural area so it's 1/2hr journey to the nearest gym/swimmiing pool- maybe I'm just making an excuse but that's quite a lot of time to find in my day. dp does work locally NQC and does call home for lunch occasionally so a lunchtime fumble could be good- but I'm finding it harder to get turned on by my wanting sex- I need him to want it so how do I give him stuble ideas? I don't think I can actually ask him any more! I'm worried that this will be the start of our downfall and would hate that

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moresexplease · 20/11/2006 22:42

that should read subtle not stuble btw

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kittylette · 20/11/2006 22:55

our DS1 sleeps iin our bed most of the time too, so we tend to have sex in the living room with kids in bed, its a bit hornier that way & you can have a giggle when your MIL sits on the spot you 'did the deed' the night before, lol

moresexplease · 20/11/2006 22:58

lol kittlette
Have had similar laughs in past!

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moresexplease · 20/11/2006 22:59

can't even type your name right- sorry! Am tired off to bed....

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