I want my ex back but can I give up the idea of not having children?

[PenguinInTheFridge]

Hi,
I wanted to know if there is anyone that was in similar situation.
I was in a relationship with my partner for 6.5 years. He was saying from the beginning that he did not want to have children / or wasn't sure. We split up but I want to get back with him. I know that I should be in a relationship with someone that wants the same as me. BUT! I cannot imagine my life without him. I want him back no matter what.
Now I have few choices. I could either get back with him with the outcome that we may never have children. I started thinking about that. Now the idea of having kids scares me. The financial situation, the crying, winging, sleepless nights, school runs, etc etc. I don't know if I really want that. I see pregnant ladies or people with babies and I think: ahh, I do want this. But it's only the pregnancy and baby thing. Only the nice part. Not sure if I want the whole deal (or I'm at least trying to convince myself so I can stop wanting this and be with the love of my life).
Or the second option is: insemination. I do not want another man in my life so if you want to tell me that I will find someone I will want to be with, don't waste your time. I really don't want another relationship. The idea of meeting someone and getting to know them scares me even more. Been suffering with bad anxiety in the last couple of years and the get to know someone is just pure hell. I would not put myself through that. So even if I meet someone who might ask me out (god forbid I might think that myself would have the same outcome): I will cut out all contact with this person. So the only choice is through insemination.
Sorry to be ranting on here. But has anyone been in similar situation? Did you give up wanting to have kids or did you give up the love of your life and done it alone? Please let me know. I really could use some help and hear similar stories.
Thanks.

You are only 32. I have friends ( in stable marriages) who started their families 10 years older than you are.

Please correct me if I'm wrong but isn't that true 80% man cases if they don't want kids? Once they do, they very often adore their kids and laugh why they haven't done it sooner.

Please don't think this. I used to think like you. My ex-DP became a father at 46 (when many of his friends were already GPs) when I was 35. We had been together for 10 years. He never 'wanted' kids, but after I got pregnant he was delighted until DS arrived, and then he fell to bits. Dreadfully resentful of all the restrictions and responsiblities parenthood entails. We split up 3 years later. 3 years of acute anxiety on my part, ending in DV.

And honestly - I can't BEGIN to explain how terrifying it is to look after a newborn with no support and with a bloke who won't step up to the mark. It is not calm.

penguin

Having read your response I want to say this in the nicest possible way, but I honestly dont know how to sugar coat this.

So......I think you are assuming a lot based on how you want things to be rather than how they are. He is solitary, wouldnt be in a relationship because of his music/bike/loving you....

You dont know any of this. 2 months have passed since you last had contact, anything could have happened in that time and you would be very foolish to try and make a decision based on an unknown.

As it is, you must assume that he doesnt want a relationship with you. Yes he loved you once but then he finished with you. There is no ambiguity there. He may have said and done things when he ended the relationship to soften the blow, but the simple fact is, he ended the relationship because he no longer wanted to be with you. You can miss him and love him and want him but if he wanted to be with you then he would be. He would have broken the NC thing to be with you and he hasnt.

He has done nothing to suggest that he wants to restart your relationship, and although he may not have moved on to another relationship, he will very probably have moved on emotionally from the one he was in with you.

Any decision you make about having children must be made on the assumption that you will be doing it alone. However I must agree with several PP who said that if your anxiety is so bad that you would immediately cut off anyone who is romantically interested in you on the basis that they are not him, you would be wise to seek some counselling before making the life changing decision to have a child.

When you have a child you dont get to be by yourself, for their sake you must go out, socialise, do the dreaded toddler groups (FYI, no mother does it because its fun, we do it because our kids need to socialise), do the school gate/play date palaver. If you are solitary now, then that will end in no small way when you have a child, and if it doesnt then you are doing the wrong thing by that child. Just something to think about.

or having kids on their own and regretting not staying with the love of their life

Again, you are assuming you have a choice.

He left you, he made the decision. It wasnt about you "not staying with the love of [your] life", he sailed that ship out of harbour 6 months ago.

I am so sorry, your love and need for him comes through very strongly but you need to lose the illusion that you have some sort of decision to make about whether to be with him or not. You dont. He made it, its over and you need to make your future life decisions based on a life without him.

He is a commitment phobe clearly. Do you really want to get back with him, give up on the idea of children only for him to bail in another 4/5 years only for you to find your going to face a much steeper slope if you find someone to have children with? Time isnt exactly on your side. You know the answer. Admitting it is hard- but move on.

Penguin, please get counselling. Talk through your expectations about relationships, and about parenting.

You write as if you are very, very young but say you are 32. You claim you don't need professional help but many people here think you do. You asked for their input. Telling you to seek help is supporting you in the matter of whether or not to go to a man who doesn't want children.

I suppose you might find some women who gave up on having children for the sake of having a particular partner, and did not regret it. I can't imagine that situation, but some people probably live it. I would say, find a man who wants children, or have a properly arranged artificial insemination (try Sweden, there's more spunk there. Its in short supply in the UK, if that's where you're based).

I think of my DSiL. She married DB (Darling/Dear Brother, not David Bowie), knowing they wouldn't be having children. She's in her fifties now and cries when she sees my DGD. I think of a former colleague, Diane; she had/has a decades-long affair with a married man, whilst remaining single herself and not having children. Another colleague brought her toddlers into work one day and I think I was the only person to see Diane fall apart. Is this who you want to be? The woman who cries when she sees children, because she gave up on them for a man?

Certainly don't trick/force him into having children thinking that he'll change his mind and love them. Many men definitely want children and many just assume children will arrive when they find a life-partner. It isn't that 'most men don't want children then love their own' as you suggest.

No!..listen to your primal needs.
They are the most powerful emotions you have. They reflect the person you are and the needs you have to fulfil.
Kids are bloody hard work, very trying, but for the most of us they make our lives complete.
If you stay in this relationship you will resent him 'till your dying day.
He doesn't sound like a bad person ,just not your lifelong partner.

If you stay in this relationship you will resent him 'till your dying day.

She isnt in the relationship, he left her 6 months ago..........

I don't think the big issue is the children thing.
I think your anxiety and problems with life are leaping out from your posts.
Your thought processes are extreme and illogical. You sound traumatised.
Counselling will affect nothing other than your MH and your ability to live - and these it will improve.
Please go to see your GP.
You can explain to her/him about how you clearly can't cope with interactions with others that last longer than half an hour; that you are obsessing about an ex; thst you have formulated a plan to have a baby by insemination because you don't ever want to have a relationship with a living human again; that you don't want the baby to grow and have a relationship with you past the pregnancy snd (very) early infancy stage.
I think the GP will help you.
I think you do need help.
I don't mean any of that cruelly, I mean it only to try snd get you to start on the path to a better place. When you are inside this kind of thinking, it can be completely invisible to you how off -kilter it is.
You sound as though part of your issue is the absence of people around you who are close enough to you to help you.

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't read the whole thread. I work funny shifts and I'm all over the place.
OP don't try to get back with this man..move on.
Lot's of nice blokes out there who are wanting to have a family of their own.

I'm fairly sure if you want insemination or to adopt they'll insist on counselling as part of the process.

Thanks all. I've got a lot to think about. :)