This is going to sound pathetic but its really upsetting me and I need some hand-holding and advice

[newnamesamegame]

This is a real first-world problem compared with a lot of the people posting on here, and you may think I need to man up, but for some reason its really knocked me for six and upset me.

I separated from my H a few months ago after more than 10 years together and a 4 year old child and in general have been feeling much better and happier since we separated and know I've done the right thing. DD is happy, relationship with ex is generally OK and I'm moving on with my life.

Recently I got myself into a very silly situation with a friend -- not a relationship but a flirtation which got a bit out of hand (no sex was involved) and was knocked on the head by him on the grounds that he didn't want to spoil our friendship (I know, I know). I feel really stupid for letting in get to the point it did and for allowing myself to become attracted to and emotionally involved with someone so soon after coming out of my marriage and a friend into the bargain.

I know I'm vulnerable and not ready for it and I know this man is not right for me. But I was physically attracted to him, I thought "what the hell" and did a couple of things I shouldn't have. I know its for the best for this not to go anywhere but I can't help feeling really quite upset over it -- I'm embarrassed, I'm worried that I've lost a good friend because I let my guard down and I generally feel like a twat about it all.

The problem is that for reasons I can't go into without risking outing myself I still have to see this person socially fairly regularly. In a few weeks I'm supposed to be going to a big overnight thing with him and just two other people who we know well. I'm really torn over what to do:

• I know that going will be emotionally difficult for me, leave me open to accusations that I'm still pursuing him and make me look vulnerable and above all I can't afford to show him any vulnerability right now
• If I don't go, questions will be asked, eyebrows will be raised and people (including him, probably) will be pissed off with me. Money has been spent that can't be reimbursed etc. And I'll be missing out on something which would have been a real laugh.

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is whether I can keep up the charade of being "friends" with this person and maybe gently resurrecting the friendship in a low-key way even though I've been hurt or whether I really need to cut all ties for a few weeks/months and get it right out of my system?

Well you had a lucky escape there! He sounds like a head fucker.

I wouldn't go to the overnight thing - I'd say you had D&V . I actually wouldnt give him the satisfaction.

Your emotions will be all over the place right now. Write it off. Your probally hiding your hurt from your split by thinking about this other tosser.

God I made some fuck ups fter my break up with a long term partner ! I still cringe now / but then laugh

Really what Imperial said. Change your friend's name in your contacts to a male name and do exactly as suggested. It'll give you something to focus on and him something to wonder about. As an added bonus you'll get a warm glow of smugness for pulling one over on him!

We were out one night, at his instigation and invitation and he kind of turned and rounded on me and started haranguing me for "wanting" him when I knew it was out of the question. It was quite aggressive and borderline rude and he sort of made out I'd been stalking him when it actually had been very laid back and very much a two-way street, to the extent that anything had happened at all. I was slightly shocked and a bit insulted and basically left abruptly.

He sounds as if he has some sort of mental health problem relating to intimacy. I mean, what does he expect to happen? He flirts with you, he "instigates" a night out with you alone? Then has a go at you for taking him seriously?

I think you need to be stricter with him and tell him to get lost, avoid him and have no more to do with him.

I suspect he actually likes you very much, as more than a friend, but he probably has some up himself notion that he's going to marry a princess or is too good for the likes of relationships or something, and thinks any woman who speaks to him is stalking him.

How long have you been friends with him?

"The problem is that for reasons I can't go into without risking outing myself I still have to see this person socially fairly regularly. In a few weeks I'm supposed to be going to a big overnight thing with him and just two other people who we know well. I'm really torn over what to do:"

I wonder why you have to see this person socially fairly regularly. Also, why would he be annoyed if you couldn't make it. Shit happens, if something comes up and you cannot make it, then true friends would understand. Please don't go along with it just to save face and please others esp if you really cannot bear to go.

I would keep my distance from him tbh. As PP said, he sounds like a bit of a head fuck. If I were you, I wouldn't gently resurrect the 'friendship', I'd be easing him out of my life.

He sounds seriously creepy IMO.
He instigated the " surreptitious snog" when he saw you were vulnerable.
My guess is that he was never really a true friend..it was all a bit one sided.
Don't go away with him, feign illness and perhaps offer your place to a nice male friend ( who's built like a brick shit house)
He didn't have to act on your flirtations ways..I'm very flirty, but it's just the way I am, it's banter nothing more.

I do hope for your sake he he isn't involved in another relationship. But if not:

- If I don't go, questions will be asked, eyebrows will be raised and people (including him, probably) will be pissed off with me. Money has been spent that can't be reimbursed etc. And I'll be missing out on something which would have been a real laugh.

But it won't be a laugh for you, will it? It will be a fucking nightmare. Because: He kind of turned and rounded on me and started haranguing me for "wanting" him when I knew it was out of the question. It was quite aggressive and borderline rude and he sort of made out I'd been stalking him

And that's all down to him, and his reaction to what should have been nothing more than a sweet (and flattering) but unwanted expression of interest.

Forget the money. Why the hell should you care about him being pissed off with you? Just call in sick with a 24 hour DV bug.

goddess I really can't go into too much detail, but the thing was booked a long time before this "situation" came about.
Chandler the thing is I can't afford to think about it like that as I'm prolonging a situation which is obviously pretty unhealthy.
Thanks everyone, the MN consensus seems to be to sack the event off and sack him off. You're great, as usual.