DP and I are on different pages when it comes to her doing naughty things and it's frustrating having to sit back and watch his parenting style. DSD is 8 and we have a 2 month old DS.
The background of it is that DP doesn't like to punish DSD when she's naughty. She never actually has to face consequences for her actions, ever. It's been like this since she was 4 (before that he spent two years in court trying to get access to her after her mother stopped him seeing her when she was 2). I pointed this out to him a few weeks ago when she told me she loves DS more than I do and she's going to take him back to her mums house because her mums a proper parent. I was experiencing the awful emotions after birth and this really hurt me but when I told DP he said he'd 'talk to her'. When he 'talks to her' about things she's done wrong he does it in a very roundabout way, not making it clear that she's in trouble or that she's actually done wrong at all! So she basically ignores the 'talk' and continues doing the naughty thing because she's not really been told that it's wrong. Anyway, her comment about the baby brought this to a head and I told him he needs to stop 'talking to her' about things and bloody well give her a real punishment for misbehaviour.
A classic example of how his talks with her go is this: She caught a glimpse of my post-baby belly and told me I was fat. I told her that was a really mean thing to say and she turned the telly up and ignored me. I told her again that was a really mean thing to say and she continued ignoring me so I sent her out the room and told her to sit on the stairs until she was told she could move. When I called her back in DP told her something along the lines of 'when people say horrible things it hurts other people's feeling and they don't want to be around that person anymore. Like when people say bad things about someone's parenting even though they're a new parent and upset them. If people say things like that to other people they won't want to be around you so you shouldn't do that'. He then asked her if she understood why she was sent out and obviously she said no. I then cut to the chase and said 'DSD, you called me fat, which was mean, and when I told you you had been mean you ignored me, which was rude, so you were sent out for being mean and rude, does that make sense?' And she said yes, then apologised. She was only sent out for it because I sent her. DP heard her make the comment, saw her ignoring me speaking to her and still did nothing.
After I pointed out that he never punishes her and his talks with her only confuse her he said he would address this and start giving her appropriate punishments rather than the talks. We then found out that she has been telling people at school we let her watch horror movies etc and has handed in a piece of work that says she's allowed to watch 15's and 18's at our house and she eats whatever she wants and stays up all night, etc. This isn't true so her punishment for telling lies is a screen ban. She's not allowed to watch TV, play on the Xbox or computer, use her Nintendo DS or even play on our phones. All screens are banned, which has been in place for two weeks.
Jumping to this weekend. She was supposed to be coming with us to visit DP's family next weekend (they live quite far away) but for some reason her mum told her it was this weekend and she is going away with her mum next weekend. We only have use of a car for one weekend and it was never this weekend. The dates have been booked for months. The result of it being, DSD will miss out on seeing her family. DP has therefore decided to lift the screen ban this weekend. I disagree with this because the disappointment about the family visit is NOT part of the punishment and the punishment should be seen through. She has already ignored it twice by trying to get away with watching things and is clearly not taking it seriously because he is not enforcing it properly. I am getting seriously frustrated with watching his parenting and have told him he better not be like this with DS.
Until now I have always stayed out of it but she is doing more and more mean/rude/naughty things and I really feel it's because she doesn't consider there to be any boundaries at our house. She has no reason to think otherwise. He is reinforcing this by cancelling the punishment. I know DS is only little but I don't want this to rub off on him as time goes on, and I do think DP is creating a hell of a rod for our backs for when she is a teenager.
I just don't know what to do. I am now sat upstairs because DP has dugs his heels in about lifting the ban for the weekend so I'm angry that she's watching TV and don't want my feelings to upset her.
Sorry for the long post, and thanks if you've read this far. I'm just hoping for some advice about what to do.
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Frustrated over DSD
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RedToTheBone · 18/07/2015 10:57
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