Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Do I reveal how much I snooped (long ish)

23 replies

Broken2006 · 18/07/2015 07:17

Hi all I need some advice.
Me and my husband have been together 10 years and married 2 years. We have an 18 month old dd and are currently going through a bad patch.
Things have been hard since we had dd because we have both felt exhausted and drained and tbh haven't spent enough time on each other and ourselves (mainly due to lack of help in care of dd so we have no time without her)
Anyway a few weeks ago he got close to a colleague and I found out about it (I snooped which I know is bad). He told me that nothing sexual happened or any kissing but there was some inappropriate hugging and I think it was more of an emotional thing.
I want us to work through it and he told me he would stop talking to her and as he finishes working there soon he wouldnt see/speak to her after that either.
So we've been slowly moving forward and trying to plan time for us to see if we can move past it.
Things have still been strange and after he left his computer on I wanted to check he was sticking to his word.
It turned out he has still been talking to her and even told her he hoped he could still see her after he finished.
This made me check his emails and he had purchased some gift items which I don't know if they are for her or for the rest of his team at work.
Anyway I confronted him about the talking to her and he knows he's an idiot. I told him that this was his chance to tell me anything that maybe doesn't mean anything but that might upset me (hoping he'd tell me about these gifts.)
He didn't say anything so I asked if he'd bought anyone at school gifts. He said he got a few things mainly cheap wine.
There was also a message from a different friend about getting this woman some jewellery on behalf of her class and I found an email to a jewellery store asking their opening times.
Anyway do I tell him I know he bought some items other than wine and I want to know if they were for this woman? It's completely possible they were for other people at his work. Do I also question the jewellery store email? It's likely that he was getting something for her on behalf of the class or that he was finding out times for his other friend to get something but I am annoyed that he thought it was OK to be involved with any of it after what happened.
I want to try to make the marriage work and don't plan on just leaving, I want to see if we can work through it, then try counselling if we think it will help but feel I need the answers to these questions. However they could be completely innocent and then I look/feel like the bad one for snooping so much.

I need to move forward as at the moment I feel pretty rubbish and my confidence is at the floor. I know everyone will tell me he's a liar and I should leave but I'm not ready for that yet.

OP posts:

Lovingfreedom · 18/07/2015 07:36

'Inappropriate hugging?' Hmm....don't beat yourself up about the snooping...

TrinityForce · 18/07/2015 07:42

If he knows you're not going to leave him there's no reason for him to stop...

Don't feel bad about snooping now, you'll be doing it every day now since you can't trust him and will want to check up on what he's doing behind your back

sykadelic · 18/07/2015 07:46

You snooped because your trust has been shattered. It just so happens your snooping was validated.

You say you're not planning on leaving him, so there is no penalty to him for not telling you the truth. Telling him that you snooped will just help him realise he needs to be more careful and cover his tracks... it doesn't fix his cheating/lying behaviours.

I would say that your best course of action is keeping quiet about your snooping and continuing to do it only when you feel he's acting strange, while talking about honesty and your lack of trust in him. If it turns out he learns his lesson then great, you won't find anything and eventually will stop snooping. If he doesn't learn his lesson, you have the evidence you need to leave him.

Happyringo · 18/07/2015 07:50

Tbh the trust has gone hasn't it (and rightly so). Does it matter really if the jewellery is for her or someone else, the fact is he is emotionally involved with someone else and that's the real issue. I understand you wanting to make it work, and if it is going to work then at the very least you both need to be honest - he tells you everything, even if it is hurtful, and you tell him everything you've seen, including the jewellery emails. Torturing yourself isn't going to give you any answers.

Life is tough with small kids and no respite, but he can't use that as an excuse - plenty of us manage it without looking elsewhere. If he has time to have an EA with someone else then he has got time to be with you, he's just choosing not to imo.

Hope things work out for the best OP.

truthaboutlove · 18/07/2015 08:09

Why would he be buying a present for her on behalf of her class? That wouldn't be his responsibility. I have been a teacher for 25 years and have never received jewellery as a present. It's too personal.

As for the 'inappropriate hugging'. What even is that? There was another thread on here where the partner claimed he had only shared 'long hugs' with a colleague (yeah right no kissing or sex.)

I would confront him, challenge him and tell him you will kick him out if he has any more contact with her whatsoever.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/07/2015 08:13

Unless he genuinely cuts contact with her and starts being honest your marriage doesn't stand a chance I'm afraid

Marmaladybird · 18/07/2015 08:19

I've never known a class to buy jewellery for a teacher - it's a very personal gift. I'm not saying it's not true but he's certainly pushing the boat out on behalf of 'the class', isn't he.

I would have to confront him - I couldn't just live with that. It will eat away at you and you'll always wonder if you don't tell him you know more than he thinks.

missqwerty · 18/07/2015 08:21

I'm not sure what counselling will do foe you as you can't trust him. He's gone way too far and got too involved with this colleague, then broken your trust again sneaking behind your back saying things that contradict what he promised you.

Only1scoop · 18/07/2015 08:27

He's clearly lying also agree jewellery a tad personal. That's a gift from him.

Don't understand the 'inappropriate hugging'

Is it a watered down expression for a snog?

truthaboutlove · 18/07/2015 08:29

Or a grope?

Original poster

Broken2006 · 18/07/2015 09:25

The hugging thing is more too much touchy feely hugging which when you are married (unless you are typically that kind of person) for me is a no no, but when combined with the highly flirtatious messages, the hiding it from me etc it has all led to a larger betrayal of my trust and he has admitted that if it was the other way round he would be hurt and angry too.
I think if we hadn't been together so long, have a child, have a house, a dog etc then I'd probably be closer towards the option of leaving but there's a lot more at stake so I need to know that I gave it my best shot before making such a huge decision.

OP posts:

BolshierAyraStark · 18/07/2015 09:30

Also wondering wtf inappropriate hugging is?
I'm also wondering why you are letting him walk all over you as that is what he's doing? He told you he wouldcut contact, he hasn't done that, in fact he's contacted her to tell her he wants to see her after they no longer work together I'm sorry but that's not just being an idiot, why do you think he wants to stay in contact with her?

sootballs · 18/07/2015 09:32

Perhaps after the latest findings you need to go away for a bit? Could you go and visit family or friends somewhere? I'm sorry - and I don't usually comment on the relationship threads but I've a daughter the same age and a similarly long relationship/marriage. We nearly seperated when our oldest was 22 months, tiredness, worry and a house sale falling through all contributed. It all came to a crunch one day when he shouted at our dd and we had been intending on going out for the day. I waited until he got in the shower, packed a bag, left a note and said this will be what happens if you do that again only I won't be back next time. Took our dd and went on our planned day out. We went home that same evening and although we've had Fallings out since it was enough of a wake up call for him to realise I will walk if he's a cock.

RandomMess · 18/07/2015 09:41

TBH I'd book the counsellor (get one that is recommended for couples - speak to them, tell them what the issues are and what you need help with) I would broach it with him there. You need some skilled and impartial to help you both see what is going on rather than it turning into a huge row.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 18/07/2015 11:35

Broken, I think you posted about this before? The 'inappropriate hugging' was going off for the night, sharing a bed and 'hands wandering,' right, and there has been plenty of flirtation going on.

I'm sorry you're still in the same position. He sounds like a right twat. I would try and save the messages/copy them, tell him that if he ever lies/screws me over again, then we're finished. Then see what he says.

Of course he is buying jewelry for the woman, from himself.

Original poster

Broken2006 · 18/07/2015 12:33

Thanks for the thoughts and ideas. I have copies of everything so I can take it in and have them if needed in the future.
I know it's going to take a lot to get the trust back especially now.
I can't stay with family or friends and tbh I am not sure I want it to be public knowledge yet. Once it's out there in the real world there is no taking it back and external people will have their opinions if him and me changed forever (if that makes sense)
At the moment we are in different rooms and will stay that way until I feel better about the situation.

OP posts:

itwillgetbettersoon · 18/07/2015 13:20

The problem you will have is that you will not be able to stop snooping as you can't trust him and I don't blame you. This lack of trust will make you anxious, sad, scared etc. for what? He is lying and you, by forgiving him, are telling him that you will put up with this kind of treatment/respect. You are also teaching your DD how to behave in relationships.

maras2 · 18/07/2015 13:25

I can't see how you would ever feel better about this.Sorry love but he's a cheat and a lier.Keep on snooping,compile the evidence and divorce the unfaithful idiot.or ignore the findings and try to repair your marriage.Never easy but many women do and there's a long standing thread on here supporting these brave people.Good luck.

ImperialBlether · 18/07/2015 13:27

A class would never ask a man to buy jewellery for a female teacher. They just wouldn't. In the unlikely event they decided to buy her jewellery, one of the mums would buy it or they'd give the money to a female teacher, probably of the same age, to buy it.

LuluJakey1 · 18/07/2015 13:38

I agree with Imperial. They just would not do that.

Schools do often result in flirtiness but only if someone is looking for it.

Your DH is attracted to this woman and has let himself get too close.

If he has left now, it might die down but he needs to show you he is cutting ties to her.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 18/07/2015 13:38

He is lying. I've ended an engagement off the back off flirty drunk messages before despite being told I was overreacting. Guess what? I was right. Trust your instinct. Mine told me it wasn't just that night out and I was proved correct. Thankfully had my dignity as when it all came out I had already walked. Cost me my lovely flat in town but worth it. FYI the full extent came out in my case because it turned out she really didn't want him just liked the attention and when I dumped him she publicly called him a desperate freak who was hassling her

clam · 18/07/2015 13:38

I've been teaching for getting on for 30 years and have never been involved with, or seen any colleague, buy jewellery (or any other gift) for another teacher on behalf of their class.

Although that's not the issue here. You can't trust him, and I don't know where on earth you go from here.

goddessofsmallthings · 18/07/2015 20:00

So we've been slowly moving forward and trying to plan time for us to see if we can move past it

Is occupying separate rooms part of this grand plan?

I want to try to make the marriage work and don't plan on just leaving

What about him? Does he want to make the marriage work? From what you've said, it doesn't appear that he's made any effort whatsoever to confine his contact with the OW solely to work related matters and it seems he not only has every intention of continuing his liaison with her, but has also taken the trouble to find out when a jewellers' shop was open in order to buy her a gift (or gifts). What do you know about her? Is she married?

The only way that your marriage can be revived/repaired/redeemed is if he is completely honest about his intentions and that includes giving you unrestricted access to his emails/phone and any other means he has of communicating with others.

If he's not willing to do so now that it's presumably the school holidays, I would suggest you tell him to move his lying arse out of the spare room and into separate accomodation in the hope this may concentrate his mind on what he stands to lose rather than dreaming of what he stands to gain from continuing his relationship with her.

Flip