I feel it's so unfair

[ladymargaret]

Most of us recently celebrated legalising of gay marriage. It was all over the Facebook and the papers. Being gay is the norm and nobody looks weird at them or tells them that they should go and try it with women. Very progressive and tolerant indeed.

However, why do I have to feel like a weirdo in this progressive society when I say (if it comes across in conversation) that I want to wait with sex till the marriage? I'm not a virgin, I don't believe in God but I came to the point in my life when I want sex to be something intimate that I only share with my husband. I'm not saying that's how everyone should do. I just want people to stop making stupid assumptions and giving me "lectures" about what's wrong with me.

Basically the thing that pressures me is how some people start making negative assumptions:

Assumption 1. I'm using sex as a cheap way to get the man to marry me.

-- No, I'm not. If the man knows at the start about my choice - he has an option to not get involved with me in a first place. Just because many people choose to live together without getting married these days it doesn't mean that marriage has lost its value for others.

Assumption 2. I have a low sex drive.

-- No. I have a very good sex drive. How can anyone assume that there is a correlation between sex drive and waiting with sex till the marriage? It's just my priority is the marriage and I want to only get involved with the guys who feel they are ready for the family.

Assumption 3. I will marry a gay man that way or someone who wants sex once a year.

-- I don't believe in sexual compatibility. I rather believe in mutual attraction. So if we both feel attracted to each other and get on well as friends - sex won't be an issue. Well, some of the married couples have sex very rarely without waiting with sex till the marriage.

Please help me not to feel weird. I want to "celebrate" my feelings about sex before marriage with other people for whom that might be not the choice in the same way as legalising gay marriage is celebrated.

Are the people you are having these difficult conversations with men you are about to date, or beginning to date? Because in that case it is reasonable to discuss the issue - though I would advise that, in the very early dating stages, you stick to 'I'd prefer to get to know you better' than 'I want to wait till we're married' because the latter is too likely to give the impression that you are uptight/have a low libido/are very religious, all of which would be offputting to a lot of people.

And no, casual sex does not 'devalue' women. Each to their own and everyone's level of interest in sex varies, but it's quite good to have lots of casual sex when you want to and there are appealing people available to have it with. It's the best guarantee against getting stuck with a man who is absolutely shit in bed but insists that his two-pump-percy way of doing it is normal...

I think that abstinence-based morality is misogynistic and all about controlling women, though. It's based on the idea that sex is something men get from women rather than engage in with them, and that women should use access to their fannies as a trading commodity - best auctioned off to the highest bidder with no previous 'owners'....

Each person needs to decide what to do; there are no right or wrong answers. personally I would want the sexual intimacy before marriage as this is very important to me - but that's just me

Sex is super important for me too. My body and head feels like exploding if I don't have sex for a week/two weeks or so when I'm single. But I'm so sick to be drawn to having (great) sex with my fuck buddy hot man who clearly doesn't want serious relationships with me. Also I'm not really interested in starting casual relationships with a new fuck buddy as I have a great one already if it's just for sex.

I've had so much casual sex in my life (I worked as an escort) - I feel I'm truly sick of it.