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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Another mil thread (sorry)

23 replies

Weddingcakefor1 · 17/07/2015 21:51

I've been NC with mil for eight months and life has been a hell of a lot easier. Dh sees her her about once a fortnight. She has pulled some horrid shit in the past that got brushed under the carpet but I stood up for myself in the end and pulled her on it.

There is a family wedding on Dh side next week and she will be there. I'm good friends with who is getting married so I'm going otherwise I'd wouldnt have gone as to avoid mil.

Dh is feeling 'awkward' about the fact that "we will be on one side of the room and she will be on the other" (his words) she has held on to our invitation for 6 months (it was given to her to pass on) and posted today .

He admits to me that she is in the wrong but he doesn't really stick up for me. When he has tried to talk to her about it she blows up or completly denies it. Which gets him to STFU.

I lost a baby a few months ago and seen her on the street and she looked at me and turned her face. If she wanted to apologise that could have been the time to make amends. She is known for this behavour.

Dh just came in after visiting her and said that mil was giving him some money - a few hundred pounds. For no reason - just a gift. Of course Dh is going to feel fucking 'awkward' not sitting with her after her basically emotionaly blackmailing him. We don't even need the money. He earns far more than she does.

Im so annoyed that he thinks this is reasonable behavour for either of them. I've come up stairs as I can feel myself getting madder.

OP posts:

Original poster

Weddingcakefor1 · 17/07/2015 22:11

no one about ?

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Skiptonlass · 17/07/2015 22:15

Sounds like your dh is wavering... How committed is he to you being mc/him low contact ?

Original poster

Weddingcakefor1 · 17/07/2015 22:28

Thanks skip He talks the talk but sadly buckels when he is in front of her. I had to tell her not to come to my home because he was taking to long to do it. I nearly packed up and left over it.

He only has low contact because she can't come round as he avoids her normally but will go see her when she phones complaining she hasn't seen him. She I's such an angry woman and people fall over them selves not to upset her.

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Skiptonlass · 17/07/2015 22:34

Sounds awful :(

Maybe time for calm sit down with him, reiterate how important it is for you to have a united front and talk about ways to cope with the wedding?

Very sorry for your loss, by the way.

Original poster

Weddingcakefor1 · 17/07/2015 22:38

Thank

I've tried that today and it sort of got sorted then he came in with news of his cash gift. Which is really hypocrital to accept after what he said and she has done.

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DoreenLethal · 17/07/2015 22:44

So she has paid him to be on her side at the family wedding. Classy lady.

Original poster

Weddingcakefor1 · 17/07/2015 22:47

I said that doreen but he made excuses for it. He is an arse accepting it when we don't need it any way! We have more money than her. It's just too much of a coincidence, the day she finally gives up my invitation and then this.

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Skiptonlass · 17/07/2015 22:49

Yup, it's a bribe.

I'd feel very uncomfortable with that - would he be open to giving it back or not accepting it?

Ideally, a wedding should be a low stress contact place. There are enough other people there and the focus is on the bridal couple, so you should be able to gracefully avoid her. Whether that's possible in reality is another story I suppose.

DoreenLethal · 17/07/2015 22:52

What was the cash gift for exactly?

Floralnomad · 17/07/2015 22:54

I've been NC with my ILs for about 17 years ,like your DH my DH still visits ( weekly now as FIL died) ,that is not a problem to me and he is very supportive of me . We have only attended one wedding that they were also going to ,it was about 13 yrs ago and was the wedding of DHs brother - it was a massive mistake mainly because it was so embarrassing for people who know us all . We have a small family and since then have only had to miss a couple of family events but it suits us and the people who's events it have been understand our reasons for not attending .

Original poster

Weddingcakefor1 · 17/07/2015 22:56

He hadn't actually been given it yet. It wouldn't suprise me if she says she will give it to him at the wedding. If he takes that money we will really fall out. I was expecting her to take her friend who gave me grief on facebook so maybe she can't come and this is what the money is for?

I'm could easily avoid her. That really wouldn't bother me, I was just worried about Dh and he admitted feeling awkward about it but would still sit with me. But he will just make him self look a twat now as she will be telling everyone " I gave him £200 the other day and he can't even sit with me now"

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Crownjewel · 17/07/2015 23:05

If I were in your position is be tempted to leave DH & MIL to it. Any chance you can come down with a mystery bug a couple of days before the wedding? Not ideal as you say you're friends with the people getting married, but at least you won't have to be pulled into the drama she creates. Also very sorry for your loss

Crownjewel · 17/07/2015 23:06

I'd

DoreenLethal · 17/07/2015 23:19

Im sure if she says that people will think 'why did you have to bribe your son to sit with you?' and will feel your pain.

Smile, nod, move away and sit with people that you like.

Original poster

Weddingcakefor1 · 17/07/2015 23:22

Thank you crown

I'm contemplating it but I've already not been to two family parties and am not going to fils 60th soon as mil is or organising it even they are devorced and she dispises him. I actually think she is only doing it as she knew me and Dh would have took him out.

Mil would love it if I just disappeared. She did the same with her exDIL

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Original poster

Weddingcakefor1 · 17/07/2015 23:25

doreen I will. Its just Dh wanting to accept the money has really got to me. At first I said ' you keep it and treat yourself' as initially he suggested it went on somthing else. He just sat back and said ' I will - you don't have to tell me twice !" And I just hit the roof.

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Morganly · 17/07/2015 23:49

Does he realise it's a bribe, do you think?

Although you know that the two things are related, I think you need to sort of pretend that they are separate in your head.

For the wedding, yes go. I completely see that you should not be prevented from attending things by her. The invitation to be passed on is a bit odd though. All the weddings I have been to have had formal invitations sent out by post, never by hand for relatives to pass on. You can keep your dignity, avoid her and let your H make his own decisions. Presumably he will speak to her at some point. Don't let it rile you, rise above it and be the better person.

As for the money, I would just ignore it and not have any more conversations about it with him at all. What sort of son takes several hundred pounds off his mum when he has more money than her? But that's between him and her and I would just not get involved.

Your emotions are understandably raw right now. I'm sorry for your loss. You need to protect yourself by sort of drawing your walls up around you and not letting her get to you and not letting her drive a wedge between you and your H. I hope the wedding goes OK. Surround yourself with people you like and care about you if you can.

Original poster

Weddingcakefor1 · 18/07/2015 00:21

Thanks morgan I understand what you say about the wedding I'm going to do that.

But anything that mil gives comes with strings. Im furious with him, I can't sleep. She gave us money in the past when we were really struggling and we really paid for it. I've already had BIL and FIL suggesting I go and smooth things over because it's 'dragging out' when I actually havnt done snything. Him accepting this money is another way of getting him to lean towards that thinking. I can't have her back in this house again.

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JustHavinABreak · 18/07/2015 03:02

You have chosen to go NC with your MIL. To be honest she sounds really horrible and your life sounds much better without her. However, for your own sake, it could go horribly wrong if you force your DH to chose. One day you'll be standing beside him when he buries the old bat and then you'll want to be able to look him in the eye and know you didn't take him away from her. (Then dance on her grave when his back is turned!)

Original poster

Weddingcakefor1 · 18/07/2015 11:47

just I have never and would never ask him to choose. BUT he should be able to see clear lines of whats appropriate. He could have politely declined the cash gift. The fact he got excited about a few quid given by some one who has been hidious to me knocks me sick.

We have just had a huge row and ive told him this isn't for me. She hounded my exsil for 20 years untill she left. She is not doing that to me

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Floralnomad · 18/07/2015 15:28

As someone in a similar position what I would say is that although you say you don't make him choose the only way it has worked for us is that my DH and myself both know that if it comes to a choice or if there is a clash of interests I come first - there is no way our relationship would have worked if I had ever considered myself / our dc to not be the ultimate priority .

Penfold007 · 18/07/2015 16:25

Your DH is the problem, he's choosing mummy dearest over you just as he did with his ex wife.

mojo17 · 18/07/2015 17:23

Do you know what you should suggests
Suggest to dh to accept the £200 and then use it on a 'memorial' for you lost baby, a little garden tree with a fountain. Or anything that you want.
And then get him to tell his mother and thank her
He should sit with you at the wedding.

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