anyone else any experience of picky eating?

[Calientejulia]

Hi

First, thanks for reading ! Background is I have been in a new relationship for around 8 months now (I'm in mid 40s, so is he - both long divorced) and I thought everything was rosy - then I cooked dinner.... It would appear the BF has kept his various food 'hates' well hidden up to now. He has offered to cook quite often -bit boring TBH, but put that down to lack of experience - but made a nice change after all this time. Then I offered to cook for a change... oh boy. One salmon fillet, new potatoes (cold, it was a salad) and salad stuff later I am very confused by his reaction. Turns out these are inedible in his book. All of it. And that's not all. When I told him he needed to come clean with me the list of 'non-foods' was immense. Basically if its not chicken (or pork), mash, carrots and beans - no fancy sauces - then its not going to get eaten !!! OMG. I have always made it clear I love to travel and part of that is trying new foods (I'll give most things a go); but now I understand why he has never travelled and why he suggested Italy for a first trip (turns out he could manage pizza as long as its something simple). He seems very unkeen to seek some professional help for this and I am really not sure if this is a deal breaker or not. Food is such a pleasure for me, and both my kids have grown up eating just about anything. Has anyone any experience of something similar ?

[Cadsuane]

Thanks for that link, it describes dh perfectly. He can date his issues to the food he was given when he was taken into foster care. CBT for depression (also to do with a childhood in care) a few years ago made some difference but more recently mindfulness training as he felt the depression/anxiety was getting sever again has made a huge difference. A burger with salad on it could have caused a panic attack previously, on holiday recently he looked at it, thought about it, tried it and liked it more than if it had been plain. A buffet in the past was a safe choice so he could eat what was safe. Now its a chance to explore.

[worserevived]

Your situation wouldn't be a deal breaker for me as he isn't making you cook for him, or limit your diet to match his, and you must be compatible on other fronts to have lasted 8 months together.

I know lots of picky eaters, all women, and fortunately their partners have accepted them for who they are.

[mrsmeerkat]

My dh is very fussy but he has really changed and now eats loads more. Do you love him?

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

This is annoying, but if you were madly in love, I wouldn't think limited palate would be a deal-breaker for me. It would depend how he presented it, if it he was uptight, couldn't take a bit of gentle teasing about it and was generally stressed about meals, it wouldn't be ok. If he was more relaxed, not expecting you to cook and realised this was just a quirk, I think it's livable with.

I don't like traveling much, I will do it a bit but it's not my favourite thing in the whole world, luckily my husband think's I'm ace enough to be with, even though he loves traveling- we meet in the middle and know each other well enough to work around it.

I think people are too quick to say LTB really, after 8 months if he's the one for you, though, I think you would know that by now and not be posting about this rather trivial issue.

[bettysviolin]

There's something deeply unsexy about a grown man who is picky about food. It suggests emotional immaturity and lack of curiosity and bravery and adventure. May not be indicative of any of these IRL but it hints at them, and that is a real turn off.

[Cadsuane]

Although dh does have food issues he does 99% of the cooking and is happy to make me what I like even if he wont eat it.

[truthaboutlove]

Oh yes cheese man who I referred to over the page also used to go several days barely eating a thing.

He would turn up in the evening and I would say, have you eaten? He would say yes, an apple and wondered why he was depressed.

He had no interest in food. He didn't eat. He didn't cook. His cupboards were bare.

There was no excuse for it as he lived next to the spar.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Some people, particularly those who are somewhere on the autism spectrum, are genuinely really distressed by all but a few types of food. Some people have a range of food allergies and don't want to bang on about it, so pretend to be 'fussy' instead.

And some people are self-obsessed, wilfully ignorant and very narrow-minded.

How is he to be around otherwise? Is he kind, good company, amusing, good in bed? Or is he a finicky baby about everything?

[circleskirt]

I'm what you would call a picky eater, although I'm not really picky. I know what I like to eat and I know what I don't like to eat. No pickiness involved really.

If most of the posters on this thread are correct, then I am a pretty worthless person who would not be considered good enough to have a relationship with, as I am childish, need professional help and would ruin your social life.

That's me buggered then. Off to the scrapheap I go.

[Nanny0gg]

May I join you, circleskirt?

[circleskirt]

NannyOgg you're most welcome to join me. I would be very glad of the company, here on my own, in the wreckage of my miserable life.

I like a glass of wine, perhaps you might join me, but only if you drink wine of course. and perhaps?

[Chchchchanging]

Not a partner but good friends girlfriend was like this
It was irritating enough as a friend I couldn't tolerate it normally
Blandness with all foods
Impacting everyone else for meals out
Non logical eating eg not carbs but pizza
Tbh think a lot of people in this camp are concealing control issues

[circleskirt]

"Control issues"......licks pencil, adds to list.

[chippednailvarnish]

Circle if you are happy in your relationship, then good for you. But the OP is looking for advice, what would you suggest?

[circleskirt]

chipped she needs to find someone else. If she liked him enough his eating habits wouldn't matter. I don't understand how she never picked up on it for 8 months though.

My DD, had a boyfriend who only ate brown food, so I gave him brown food. He was a nice lad, no big deal. When they split up it wasn't down to what he ate.

[springydaffs]

Oh gosh, I would find this extremely trying. Sorry circleskirt and co

Ds1 had major issues with food growing up. It was hell tbh. Not that I was a bad mummy (of course!), I learnt to chill about it all eventually . But it was so unhappy-making. As he got older, the fear of social exclusion galvanised him to tackle it and these days you wouldn't know he had a problem (but I know bcs I can still see a trace of fear sometimes). Baked beans and anything sticky will always be off the menu. I saw a programme about it and for a lot of ppl who have this the problem is texture.

But I have to say that bcs we went through so much hell with it I just couldn't face it again. I think it often comes within the realms of eating disorder/phobia.

At the very least I would expect someone to take responsibility for it, not expect the world to revolve around their severely restricted diet eg to recognise how severely limiting and miserable it is/can be for everyone else. It's not normal so don't expect us to pretend it is. We all have our issues but we need to take responsibility for therm.

[circleskirt]

Why would anyone make food such an issue for their children? I was very easy going with mine and they have no problems with anything.

springy my simple diet is normal to me, and I wouldn't want you to pretend anything. The people around me are not miserable or limited in any way, I never draw attention to myself, it's live and let live in my world.

The vitriol aimed at people like me is such a strange MN quirk.

[chippednailvarnish]

Circle just because you don't find your food issues a problem, don't assume everyone agrees.
You're taking this thread very personally, there is no vitriol aimed at "people like you". The OP has posted about someone who's food issues have clearly affected how they live their life, no wonder she is questioning whether she wants a future with that person. I and a lot of other people wouldn't.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Thing is, it's actually OK to dump someone for having a condition or a disability that you find too upsetting or annoying. No one owes anyone else a relationship, particularly not a long-term committed romantic relationship.

If you have a friend who can't/won't do certain things (rock-climbing, book clubs, eating in a variety of restaurants, travelling abroad) you can simply do different things together. If the issue is food, you can socialise in circumstances where food is either not happening at all or where the fussy eater can wait or bring a picnic. But if remaining in a particular relationship means you will forever have to give up something you enjoy, then there is nothing wrong at all in deciding that the thing you want to do matters more to you than your partner.

[circleskirt]

Just so, Solid . The voice of reason.

[Garlick]

Dealbreaker here, too. There are a few things I care a lot about - food's one of them - and could not sustain a relationship with a partner whose choices rule out mine. It's a fundamental incompatibility.

Plus what SGB said.

[BoxOfKittens]

My boyfriend has a list of food that he will not eat, as do I. It's never occurred to me that this would be a deal breaker. Perhaps it depends on how the person deals with it? Neither of us makes a song and dance about it. We both love our food, regardless of being a bit particular. And we just sort out our own meals, which works out best anyhow with our different schedules.

It does irritate me when someone goes on about their dietary choices /quirks, even if they are the same as my own.

If cooking together and exploring different foods together is of importance for you within a relationship then I suppose a fussy eater will disappoint you.

[MuffMuffTweetAndDave]

It'd massively get on my tits, but if he's willing and able to just eat what he can eat and not make a big deal out of it, wouldn't be a deal breaker. It also sounds like he could probably eat out in a reasonable number of venues too, lots of places would do a plain chicken breast, mash and veg. I like food too, but I'd just enjoy it with other people in my life, and would expect him to do his own cooking and not whinge. However, if having a partner with the same attitudes to food as you is your bottom line, so be it. Your right to decide. And if that's the case, end it sooner not later. That's best for everyone.

[Roussette]

I think it all depends on whether the OP's partner makes a huge fuss. Those that are particular but just go about their business eating what they like and ignorning what they don't, are not so bad.

But he sounds like a right drama llama and it is that, that would put me off. Do you honest think Muff that loads of places will cook him chicken breast, mash and beans? I don't. You can go to some restaurants and never see mash. When I go out for a meal I like to try something that I can't cook at home (because if I order something I feel I can cook better than the restaurant, I object!) and it just fun and lovely to sit with a partner and chat about what you are going to order,("if I have the lamb, are you having the beef, will you let me try some of yours, because both sound delicious"). There is nothing like relishing good cuisine with a partner. That whole side of a relationship will be missing for the OP. And also we eat 3 times a day so it does impact on every day life. Mind you... I'm a foodie and live to eat - as opposed to some who eat to live.

[Dynomite]

Dealbreaker. It will affect your social life and ruin your holidays. This isn't someone who is a bit picky but someone who can't go out to nice restaurants ever, won't travel to foreign places etc. Lots of our social life is centered around food. And I love going out with DP and trying out new food, new restaurants. If you only eat bland food and are happy camping or only going on all-inclusive holidays, that's fine. But if you want to go out, try new things, travel (and actually experience local culture) then this is an absolute dealbreaker.