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Relationships

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Original poster

What keeps your marriage alive when you have 2 small children

21 replies

Alittleunhappy · 20/11/2006 14:27

I feel rather distant from DH and wondered what went wrong. I have felt distant for some time. I have never been very sexual and I am even less so now. We hardly ever hold hands, hug or kiss.

We have thought of counselling but we have no-one to look after the kids and not much spare cash now I am not working.

Are other couples in this situation? I would be devestated if we split but I see the relationship more of companionship but DH wants much more. The situation is making us unhappy.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:

Glassofwine · 20/11/2006 14:31

It's been said before, but sex is a habit the more you have the more you want, the less you have the less you want. I've noticed that if we are feeling distant its often when its been a while since we've slept together. When we do get around to it again we both say 'that was great, why don't we do that more often".

Ellieorange · 20/11/2006 14:33

Not really, but I empathise. I am not a sexual person either, but I find if we are not having a sexual relationship then the feeling of closeness drifts (we have not managed to use 1 packet of 12 condoms in 12 months!). Things have improved a little as we try and spend some time alone together, even if it is only when ds is asleep and we snuggle on sofa watching tv. I would really recommend tring to get away alone (leave kids with parents?, friends?) even if it is just for a coffee or a drink in a pub! We've managed it a few times and it helped, even if we just argued, it cleared the air for afterwards. (We went on hol with my parents so they babysat a couple of nights). I think the only way to do this is to prioritise time together and see it is VERY important otherwise 'life' just gets in the way. A good marriage is really the best gift you can give your kids...

Original poster

Alittleunhappy · 20/11/2006 14:38

Its not that easy to arrange time to ourselves. DD is really only happy when DH puts her to bed. Mainly habit as I am dealing with DS. DD goes to bed about 8pm we then eat and I go to bed shortly after 9pm as Im so tired.

Weekends are spent trying to get stuff done and make something of the weekend so DH spends some time with the kids. They both sleep most of the afternoon. We try to get some house stuff done during that time but DH doesn't get very far. He takes a long time to achieve things!! He does his best though

OP posts:

Glassofwine · 20/11/2006 14:39

Would also agree about getting some time alone together. It may just mean turning the tv off at night and having a meal together, playing a game, putting photo albums together etc.

Original poster

Alittleunhappy · 20/11/2006 14:40

You are so right that we need to turn the tv off. We both love it!

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Ellieorange · 20/11/2006 14:49

I know it is tough - and I only have 1 baby. We moved house a year ago, and it is still only 50 percent decorated! (no carpets!, bare plaster walls, no skirting etc!). We have cupboards full of paperwork that need sorting. That's what I mean about prioritising...we could have spent every weekend on it - and most evenings (generally we do some it together), but also need time to relax together too. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but your dd is just in habit of having her daddy. It won't kill her for one night if granny or someone else does it (or even if you sneak out afterwards and stay up late for once). Or even...don't know what rel. with parents (or in-laws) is like, but if you go there for a weekend, can they take care of kids in morning (breakfast etc.) while you and hubbie have a lie-in? Small things, but feels SOOOOOOOO good

Original poster

Alittleunhappy · 20/11/2006 14:59

Well I shall be putting DD to bed some nights in the next few weeks as DH will be out. Then DH will have to do the same for me when I go out.

No one lives that close to us. My parents stay in their camper van if they stay overnight. Also I can't see them doing the night feed.

DD comes into our room to "wakey wakey" us up in the morning. So if we just had a lay in we would be stripped of our bedding and asked for tea! It sounds like she really rules the roost, and she does but not in a bad way.

DHs parents live even further away, in seperate directions and would never do it either.

Both might do a day time thing but then DH misses out on time with the kids.

I feel like Im full of excuses. I will have to chat with my Mum about a solution.

OP posts:

Blossomhill · 20/11/2006 14:59

Def. sex. Always makes me feel so much closer to dh afterwards.

Original poster

Alittleunhappy · 20/11/2006 15:04

Blossomhill- yes me too but i never feel like it. Its nothing to rave about. I feel more like well at least DH will back off a bit for a while.

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Pitchounette · 20/11/2006 15:22

Message withdrawn

Pitchounette · 20/11/2006 15:24

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Alittleunhappy · 20/11/2006 15:32

Thanks I look forward to reading it.

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cardy · 20/11/2006 15:38

Make more 'together' time at home? Most fridays after the children are in bed DH and I cook a meal together, sit and eat it with a bottle of wine and chat...without the distraction of TV, children etc...

Just doing something like this, relaxed and having a bit of a laugh can often make you feel closer and the closer you feel the more likely you are to want to have sex the more you have sex the closer you will feel and so on and so on. I know that sounds simple but quite often it's an effort to not just fall in front on the tv every night, but it can be worth the effort.

Enid · 20/11/2006 15:40

sex and shared laughter

we don't have much time together but always sit down and eat together - even when this is in front of the telly we chat a lot

Original poster

Alittleunhappy · 20/11/2006 15:43

Right the telly is going off tonight. Dinner is already cooked.

DH cannot do the telly/chat thing. He keeps rewinding the PVR if he misses a bit!

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Glassofwine · 20/11/2006 21:11

Good luck, don't forget music too - esp music you listened to pre-children. And I'll say it again - sex, get into the habit - it doesn't take long

foxinsocks · 20/11/2006 21:15

if both your kids are sleeping in the afternoon, just jump into bed then! There's nothing more fun than a bit of 'afternoon delight'. Seriously, even if you don't want/feel like sex, just getting into bed at a time you don't normally and having a lovely cuddle (try and make yourself cuddle him, even if you don't feel like it - you may find you enjoy it) can be quite exciting (in the dull life people tend to lead with 2 small children!).

Original poster

Alittleunhappy · 21/11/2006 12:19

Well the tv went off we ate. DH and I chatted a little. He tried to make a couple of phone calls to see about arrangements before christmas. Something he never gets around to doing. They were out. I was done in and in bed by 9.15pm (awake since 4.30am, this morning since 2am due to children awake at different times and DH snoring)

Not great but will try again. Parents here over night tonight but no help as they are sleeping in the camper van. They offered to help this afternoon but that is when the kids are asleep anyway. Great!

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duvet · 21/11/2006 13:25

Ellieorange - I loved what you said "good marriage is really the best gift you can give your kids..." You are so right. What everyone said here is really good, it takes effort, esp. when you are tired. Afternoons are easier for sex because you're not so tired, your relationship is more important than housework. It's a bit like going to the gym, you cant be bothered but once you're there u quite enjoy it. We try to all have tea b4 kids gone to bed too, I feel more like having sex as soon as they've gone than later on plus you can stay lying in bed and get a really early night!

cardy · 21/11/2006 16:53

Would your parents babysit tonight and you could go out for a couple of hours for a drink or meal or something?

Original poster

Alittleunhappy · 23/11/2006 13:36

Cardy - just seen your message. By the time we had got the kids settled and we had eaten, I was nearly asleep. I fall asleep on the sofa most nights just after 9pm. DH keeps going to bed really late as he forgete he has things to do before he comes to bed (make his lunch, sort out bottles etc) That wakes me then I wake again to do DSs feed and then sometimes dont sleep much after as DH is snoring and DS is squeeking.

I cant sleep in the day easily as there is so much to do whilst the kids are asleep.

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