Am I way off on this?

[Smallblackcat2]

Ok this could be an AIBU but I can't handle the bun fight.

So ive been separated around 6 months. In the past both myself and DH have had affairs but now back together.

He moved abroad for work around 6 months ago- initially just him and then me and DC's to follow.

He's now saying its too expensive for us to join him out there. (When we initially planned this I would also work out there as I would move my business too)

He dropped the bombshell last night that he is going to flat share with a friend next year and me and the DC aren't to visit him as the airfare is too expensive (despite he has a flight allowance!)

Instead he will come home x3 a year and instead save his (tax free) salary for when he eventually does move back to the UK.

When I pointed out:

1. he had not consulted me
2. I wasn't happy to be in a marriage with precisely no perks, sex life, companionship other than via Skype for the undetermined future! (His contract is permanent)

His response was a one word answer "wow" and some link to a cartoon about not harvesting anger and hate!

AIBU to think wtf???

He thinks I am being deeply unreasonable in wanting "x4 holidays a year" when up until now I've been flying out to see him in the school holidays with our 2 DC.

My DC have coped brilliantly with him being away and knowing they get to see their dad where he lives sweetens the blow massively.

Ive gotten used to him being away but am permanently shattered from working and being a lone parent.

I was so upset by the disrespect he's shown me by telling me how things are going to be!

I'm a social person and finding it hard to be by myself all the time. I have amazing friends and a life here but can't help that I'm being taken for a complete mug here.

Sorry, I don't believe his tale. My husband works away, and neither of us would prevent the other coming to see each other at any time, kids or no kids, it's just an open decision about what's best and what we can afford at any time.

It is the bit where he says you can't possibly visit at all that makes me extremely suspicious. Who can't allow their wife to visit them?!

He does appear to have collapsed the marriage unilaterally and deliberately.

He's also exaggerating, why go from four visits a year to none, permanently, for the forseeable future.

This is bonkers and you would be bonkers if you agreed to it!

I think you need to say that his position as he's stated it is a deal breaker, so if that's the case divorce is going to be the outcome. If he wants to have a discussion about your future like cob adult he needs to make himself available and be flexible. Suspicious none of this came up on your very recent visit. He's hoping to stun you into agreement. Be firm.

Yes I'd also say he's left you & clearly forgot to mention it.

He's in a country where it's illegal to co habit too.

How do they feel about bigamy?

Yeah I agree with others. But I think so do you really. You have described this as a deal breaker. So that seems clear cut to me

Oh op, I'm sorry, I agree with others. How enormously arrogant he is. I think it shows that he's already made the decision, already compartmentalising, already shut down. Hope I'm wrong.

Please go and see a solicitor and find out where you stand.

He's left you but he's hoping you haven't noticed as he'll have to pay you off in the divorce.

See a lawyer now before he 'saves for a deposit' ie hides any more money.

What age are your children
OP?
What is he doing with the rest of the money he earns?
Are you in contact with his family / friends?
Any idea from them what he is up to because he IS up to something.

Oh my god what an arogant arse! See a solicitor now, and find out where you stand, is your mortgage in joint names?

If roles were reversed would he be willing to hang about in another country waiting for you?! I think not!
Does't add up too me that you aren't allowed to visit.

i would just go visit visit him , and not mention it , you will see by his reaction if the relationship is still there

i bet he goes mad or you find o/h in your place

OP any development ?
He has a nerve.

Is he aware that you are supposed to be 'back together'?

You've both had affairs. You're neither of you committed to each other. In that sense, you're not husband and wife in anything but a legal sense.

I'm more concerned that he's not bothering to see his kids!

You've both had affairs. You're neither of you committed to each other. In that sense, you're not husband and wife in anything but a legal sense.

He's left you but he's hoping you haven't noticed as he'll have to pay you off in the divorce.

OP did you get sorted?

I live in a country where it's illegal to cohabit outside of marriage - many people still do though. Married men living the single life with a family at home is depressingly accepted here as well. I haven't dated for a year as I'm fed up of finding out Mr Right is Mr Married... as soon as I have saved enough to be able to afford to live in the UK on my crappy UK salary (much higher here!) I will be moving back to Blighty. I'm not saying this is definitely your situation, but the ban on you visiting doesn't sit right at all.

Sandin I agree with you re OP's partner not wanting her to visit him.
What's he hiding?