Really worried about my sister

[avegetablecumfruit]

It's R h u b a r b, I'm in disguise because my teenage niece has recently been asking her mum what my MN nickname is and I'm afraid she might use it to find out what is going on.

I'm really really worried about my sis. Her marriage is at rock bottom now, she is working and working to try and distract herself, but she is not sleeping either and she is trying her best to shield the kids from all of this. She worked long shifts all weekend, and her dh didn't lift a finger to help around the house. The kids stayed in all weekend, he took them to Tesco and that was it! He even watched her iron all the kids clothes, knowing what a knackering weekend she has had. She says he simply doesn't care about her anymore.

He is very depressed, but she is now thinking that perhaps he is just unhappy and it is her that has made him this way. He has told her that she is the cause of all his unhappiness. But this just isn't true! He is depressed and in denial - she is a wonderful person! Great mother and has put up with this from him for years now, watching it get progressively worse and to a certain extent she has protected him from it, so it was easy for him to deny. But now she can't take it any longer, she's lost weight and I feel so helpless! I live 3 hours drive away from her. I said I'd see her this week but I don't know when! I don't know how I can get to her as I don't want to drag the kids on a journey that long.

I would go this weekend but my eldest sister is supposed to be coming, I've already put off her visit once because dd was ill. None of the family know what is going on because they are all shite basically. What can I do?

Please don't use my MN name just in case. Thanks.

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anyone?

Hello you! I suppose the first thing I would ask is that is there any hope of this getting better? What could she/he/even you feasibly do that would change things? Presumably he is not in a position or frame of mind to move things on, so it is up to your sister and you. kShe needs to see a third party - someone like relate - so that she can see what her life is like from the outside looking in. Poor woman; it sounds crap.

How is the job going?

Has your sis said whether she feels her marriage is at rock bottom, or is she maybe just going through a really bad time just now?
I don't think there's very much you can do practivally,other than keeping in touch with her and letting her vent to you.
Sorry I can't really give advice, but I think you're probably doing all you can. Any chance she could come to you or you could meet up for lunch half way?

can you not involve your other sister at all? bearing the burden of this without any help from the other family must be hard...your sister is in an awful situation....did she manage to get away for the weekend at all ? will your older sister not understand?? is it worth binning her off again to help your other sister? wish i could offer more practical advice...

Hello! She is seeing Relate but only once a fortnight (when the lady can fit them in), he only started going for the last 2 sessions, up till then she had been going alone.

I don't know what advice to give her. I like both of them but I hate the way he is treating her and how he is making her feel. It's not like she has family that can tell her how wonderful she is and boost her confidence. No-one but me knows about this, so she is not getting any offers of help. I have told her that she must tell people but she is scared of taking that step, fearing that could signal the end of it all.

She says she doesn't love him and doesn't even like him anymore, but from what I can see she is protecting him even now. He isn't even trying anymore. I have offered to talk to him but she doesn't want me to.

What can I do? I feel I should do something!

lulu - no I can't involve any other members of the family I'm afraid. It's a long story but trust me, that would be the very worst thing to do.

My sis says she has asked him to leave but he's said no, she hasn't forced the issue. She is seriously considering life without him but is afraid of the impact on her kids - she has 4, youngest are twins of 7.

No, they're 8!

if she is afaid it will signal the end...what is she trying to do ? does she want to carry on in the marriage? or not? if she does, then people do need to know she is struggling at the moment, so they can help. and if not, and things will end, then why not tell people?
sounds like you are doing everything you can!

x post , sorry... i honestly don;t know.....if she wants to end things.. yes the impact on the kids will be hard, but surely staying has an impact too

has she seen CAB or sought legal advice?

I know lulu, I've told her that! Deep down perhaps she is afraid of taking that big step - wouldn't we all be? Afraid perhaps too that their friends might side with him and not her. I think she is afraid that what he has been saying about it all being her fault is true. After all, so far she only has me on her side and she would reason that I'm only sticking by her because she's my sister!

maybe she needs to be a bit gentler / kinder to herself and bump her own needs a little higher up the list... without the space and energy to think a little its hard to see how she will be in a place to make positive changes or important decisions....
from what you've said she sounds like she could be signed off work sick for a while... would she consider this?
you sound like you are supporting her as best you can... what would she like / want you to doo to help?? aske her. good luck. sounds miserable for all concerned

She has considered signing off work and I think she should, she isn't eating well or sleeping and is working as well as studying for a degree, doing a placement and all the housework and kids stuff. I think it's too much, but she says it distracts her. However I'm concerned that she'll have a breakdown. Emotionally she is shattered and drained and having a phone call with me every day simply isn't enough. She is doubting herself and putting untold strain on herself. I am seriously worried.

maybe encourage her to get signed off...even if she has a week off, it will give her some leeway

she is lucky to have such a good sister..must be so hard when you feel you can;t do anything much....xx

she won't do it though lulu - I've asked her. She just says it would give her more time to think on things which she doesn't want to do.

It's a vicious circle. I want to drive down there and give her a hug and him a piece of my mind!

then maybe that's what you need to do....

I want to controlfreaky, but I'm stuck here with a sick son.

Hiya, 'tis hard, because other than offer continuing support there's not much you can do, unless your sis will let you, and practical support (which is what it sounds like she needs most) is hard to give when you're at such a distance. You say she's doing a degree/placement - can she go and talk to someone at college, maybe, a student advisor or equivalent?

I understand how she feels about keeping on working as it offers a distraction - it often does provide a solid purpose and a real sense of achievement and the illusion of having something under control when it feels as though everything else is falling apart. Your sis sounds like some woman!

This next bit is pretty hard but she might have to fall apart in order to get clear about what she really wants to do next. And you might have to just wait and let her, but be ready to support her when she reaches that point. Alternatively, you could use the kids as leverage (sorry, that sounds really hard too!) - no matter how hard she is trying to shield them they will be much more aware of what's happening than she realises, and the current uncertainty/exhaustion will be having an impact on them just as much as separation will.

Sounds like you are doing an awful lot. Sometimes just having a sister to talk to, without having to worry about gossip or feeling the need to explain or justify, be judged etc is just wonderful. Keep ringing her, let her know that you are always there without any judgement, just for support and love - that is what she needs right now. Carry on standing by her wishes not to speak to her DH etc even if you are convinced that you could help - you respecting her requests will have more of a positive impact on her than anything you could do for her DH.
Unfortunately, however much you want to help her along and out of this dark place, it really is up to her to work it through in her own way and her own timescale. The fact that she is fighting for her marriage by going to relate, despite her DH lack of effort, is to be admired and shows real strength of character not to jack it all in and walk away without trying.
On a practical note, can you encourage her to hire a cleaner or start internet food shopping? Help her to hand out a few jobs to the older children like the washing up, hoovering etc - spread the work load around a bit and get them to work as a family unit, not just mum doing it all. Also, are all those work shifts essential? Is there any way her boss could give her a few weeks lesser work timetable to avoid becoming so ill that she ends up having 2 weeks off with flu/stress? Is there any way you could have one or two of her kiddies to stay for a weekend to take the pressure off her?
Just a couple of ideas. I have been in a similar position trying to support a family member from a long distance and can empathise with how helpless you can feel. You might not be able to give her DH a shake or do her hoovering for her, but I bet your chats on the phone are playing a real part in keeping her afloat

Thanks, some good advice here, I've emailed her offering more practical help.