DM feeling 'left out' of my pregnancy.

[Sparrowlegs248]

I have a reasonable relationship with my mother, but am seen as a bit of a black sheep in my family. Mum can do a fine line in guilt trips, and everything is all about her, revolves around the family home etc. She is big on occasions (Christmas, birthdays, anything and everything) and is a 'more the merrier' type of person although will then complain that she has everything to do, Bernard in the kitchen all day etc.

I have an older DB and DS both who rely on mum a great deal, spend most weekends at her house, involve her in everything. DB has some learning diff so needs the support. DS is single mum of 2.

I am married, 37, pregnant with 1st child. DM hs complained to DS that she has felt like she hasn't been involved with my pregnancy. DS lived with mum for one of hers, and mum attended every appointment with her and was at both births.

I have attended every appointment line apart from Dh coming to scans. I have been in hospital to be monitored twice for several hours, alone. Not because Dh won't come but because i am fine on my own and didn't see the need.

So mother has asked if i want her to come with me to Mw appointments, I have said no thank you. She does a sad face 'oh ok then'

And now is complaining to DS about not being involved. She expects to be at the birth. I know this but have avoided it. Thinking that i just won't tell her til after.

I've been booked for a c sec and not sure whether to tell her til after or not. She will expect to be there and i think id rather not tell her til after.

Any ideas on how to handle this? For info, the reason i don't want her there is that she makes every situation all about her and i gain no comfort from her in stressful circumstances. I end up annoyed with her and this is the one time i think it should be about me and dh.

" Mum has just decided to confide in sister that she feels uninvolved."

Well I'm sorry but if my mum had said to me I would have burst out laughing.

Would never have occured to me to invite my mum to any appointments even if she hadn't lived too far away.

As far as I was concerned it was between me & my husband.

It is just completly ridiculous.

I mean really, how do you get involved in somone elses pregnancy?

She needs to feel needed but doesn't actually want to do anything that puts herself out. I bet if you said "yes come" she'd be moaning about how she has to go to your appointments.

It's very tiresome. In my family we always fact check now: "DBro, did you insist WIMF take time off work to look after your children while you went on holiday?" "DBro, no. We were going to take them with us but WIMF insisted on looking after them.

Honestly some people are never happier than when they are moaning.

Oh dear - your OP really resonates with me (do we have the same mother?) and I agree with others in that you need to stick by your guns. It's your pregnancy and your baby. You must do what's right for you as you will never get this time back to do it again.

My relationship with my mother has changed a lot overt he past 6 months. In January I was diagnosed with cancer (post op and all clear now though - thankfully). My mother wanted to be my main support & as soon as I was diagnosed she wanted to come down to see me. When I said I would rather deal with things just me & DP, her reaction stunned me. She felt "pushed out" and "rejected". I still can't quite believe it - she made it all about her.

The final straw was a week or so before my major op when she said "well the hospital will call me anyway once you're out of surgery as your next of kin". When I told her my DP was in fact down as my next of kin, she tactfully asked who would make the final decisions! I told her since I was planning on surviving my surgery I was hoping nobody would need to make any final decisions!!

OP, I really feel for you - it's a fine line dealing with a diva mother. And it's not you who isn't normal - it's your mother!

Banana.

YANBU, this is your pregnancy and your baby. You are not your sister, if she involved your mother in her children's births that is entirely her choice. If you only want your Dh with you that's absolutely your prerogative and you should not be guilt tripped into doing otherwise.

Do what makes you feel most relaxed and comfortable. Good luck

It's stories like yours that make me glad I was 150 miles away from both sets of parents when my DC were born.

It's your baby, your pregnancy, your family. None of my family knew anything until the baby arrived, and we did that through all four deliveries. It made life so much easier.

My MIL told me she wanted to be more 'involved' with my pregnancy. I thought she was joking and so laughed and offered her my all day sickness. She clearly wasn't joking so I just explained that I don't really fancy an audience whilst the midwife pokes my tummy, dips my wee sample and discusses my piles!
My DM also wants to be at the birth as "it would be magical" I just said that I understood that she'd like it but that I felt it was a special time for DH and I. She was a little disappointed but accepted that. Or at least she seems to have so far.
Stick to your guns. This is a time for you and your choice of birth partner. Could you give her a token task that she'd enjoy to help prepare? Washing baby clothes? Assembling cot or such like? Just so she feels 'useful'

In many places a section dictates you can only have 1 birth partner anyway. So problem solved. Unless she thinks she should be there instead of your DH?!