Am I right to be angry? should I be a better listener?

[Thaigal]

I always thought I was a pretty good listener but just lately I've realised how intollerant I am of people "whinging".

Last night I was talking to a friend who reckoned he was really down, looking at his situation I can see why he wouldn't be feeling on top of the world but I can't really see how he can be "so depressed", yes he has a few debts, no relationship (his own doing, he acted like a child all the way through it and got "dumped") and a job he doesn't enjoy but he's only in his mid twenties, he has his whole life ahead of him!

Maybe I find it so hard to be sympathetic because my uncle is currently suffering from an incurable brain tumour, he DOESNT have his life ahead of him and it makes me cross when people whinge on when really they have nothing to moan about...he even had the cheek to say "sorry but asking me to think about all the poor unfortunates doesnt work"

What really annoyed me is that I told him I knew what it was like to feel down (a few years ago I tried to end it all thanks to PND) and he had the cheek to say "your feeling down was nothing compared to this* oh and apparantly I lead a stress-free life (bringing up two kids on my own, next to no money but hey! I'm living the life of riley apparantly) and he would do anything to trade to have such an easy life.

Is it me? should I have been a better listener?

Er, yes....

he has debts, no relationship, and a job he doesn't enjoy. You can't expect him to feel better because you had a worse time with depression in the past, or because he doesn't have a brain tumour!

If he really is depressed, this is an illness with a chemical basis, and it is not easy to snap out of it.

If you don't like listening to his whinging, then don't. If you value his friendship in other ways, and wish to support him, then listen, agree with him and support him. He's right- comparing him with people who are worse off than him (in your eyes) will not make him feel better.

I agree that comparing him with people who are worse off is not really helpful - no-one can measure their pain against another's and it is not a competition. If he is feeling down he is feeling down. Even if it is less down than you have been in the past it might be the most down he has ever felt.

BUT equally his comments belittling what you have been through were insensitive and thoughtless and invalidating of your experience of depression. Perhaps you are still a bit down (? About your uncle?) Sometimes in these situations we don't have the capacity to give to someone else. Maybe you could just tell him you do care but you have troubles of your own at the moment/and or are just not feeling very patient and would like to be able to be there for him but can't right now? You could suggest he sees a counsellor/GP which is probably what he needs anyway.

depressed people can be selfish and self-absorbed

it's not their fault; it's part of the condition

if he is depressed he needs to do something about it

but no, the starving children in the world approach is no use

The more I think about last night's conversation the angrier I get, "nobody" is as depressed as him "nobody" has as much bad luck as him (remember this person is completely healthy, has both of his parents still alive, has nobody in his family that is likely to die anytime soon, he has a job, a secure roof over his head) but NOBODY suffers as much as he does...

What annoys me the most is that it's all his own doing! we wastes his money on toys so cannot moan that he's skint, he hates his job but doesnt look for another one, he treat his girlfriend like crap and despite warnings, he continued and lost her.

Maybe it's because I'm feeling so upbeat about life (I'm a very optimistic person usually) I find it hard to sympathise. Maybe "think of all the starving children" approach was the wrong way to go about it but when he sits there and tells me that my PND was nothing, that my problems are petty and that my life is easy it infuriates me.

just becasue materially he seems ok , and he has his parents..doesn;t mean he is not horrifically depressed. and as cappucino says, being depressed can make you selfish and self absorbed. He was wrong to belittle what happened to you and your current situation, but it is unlikely this was done maliciously.

when i was depressed, it looked like i had nothing to be depressed about, but the reality was so so different.

he might be feeling so low he cannot envisage anyone feeling worse than him.

if you are naturally optimistic and he isn;t , then it might be harder for you to understand that he can;t see a way out..the effort of looking for a new job whilst severely depressed when your self esteem is low is something he probably can't face.

you are right to feel annoyed, but you need to put what he said in the perspective of his illness. IMHO

if it makes you too angry..suggest you cannot discuss this with him as it makes you feel upset due to bringing bad memories back of your own dark times.

Thaigal, I am optimistic like you and am, unlike you, lucky enough never to have suffered real depression, though that doesn't mean I haven't had periods of my life where I have suffered and been in pain.

I think your anger is at his suggestion that he has it worse than you ever have, which is understandable. But whatever he does or doesn't have in his life it is not really relevant - depression is depression. Look at all the celebs with success and pots of money and who suffer from it (Robbie Williams, Stephen Fry, Carrie Fisher...)

Your friend sounds very stuck and I know it can be irritating to have a circular conversation where nothing you say seems to help or be right. But maybe your feelings are a little but to do with the fact that you went through the same thing and they are unpleasant memories for you? Did you get much support at the time? Did you have to "just get on with it"?

PS Hadn't read Lulumam's post when I posted, was busy typing myself - wasn't copying what she said!