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Original poster

Living together

26 replies

Londonmummy01 · 15/07/2015 20:54

Anyone out there been a lone parent and then moved in with new partner? How did you find managing the loss of single parent financial help and the sorting out of shared living costs etc?

We want to move in together but I want to make sure that in not left worse of and feel protected. I know this sounds bad with having a new partner and pg but once bitten twice shy and all of that...

OP posts:
Showmehalcy · 15/07/2015 20:57

Bump.

Original poster
Londonmummy01 · 15/07/2015 22:09

Anybody???

OP posts:
travertine · 15/07/2015 22:40

I did, was on my own for 8 years and used to managing it (with benefits) by myself. He earns much more than me and is happy to pay for everything but I do Sky, phone and internet and my bills (phone and car insurance) and bills related to my girls. He always did and still says 'if you need help then just say' which I do but he still made a big deal out of it 'just joking babe' made me feel like shit every time.
Think I have finally made him realise how I feel. I work full time but nothing compared to what he earns. my MOT next month and I know I will need his help. Sucks.
He would do anything for me and the girls tho, he just likes getting his digs in. It is hard tho. I know he would do it all for us. You and your partner, particularly you need to look at how bills are being split and is financial help being given or would these be loans and your money and his /her money.

Original poster
Londonmummy01 · 15/07/2015 22:56

Thanks travertine, my situation is prob opposite in that he earns a bit less than me and has a dc who he also maintains so this doesn't leave me better of, if anything a bit troubled as his work is not permanent and often on/off. I fear if he moves in then is out of work (again- he has a few times in past couple of years) I will not be able to shoulder everything. Aibu?

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 15/07/2015 23:05

...he just likes getting his digs in...

Really?

travertine · 15/07/2015 23:09

Not BU at all! Both of you have to make sure that yourselves and families are looked after. Soo bloody hard to sort out tho. Hard to share things again when you've been used to making the decisions by yourself. No advice because we don't do the shared bank account or finances thing. You moving in with him or vice versa?

NameChange30 · 15/07/2015 23:12

"he still made a big deal out of it 'just joking babe' made me feel like shit every time."

"he just likes getting his digs in"

Hmm

Got yourself a charming specimen there travertine

Original poster
Londonmummy01 · 15/07/2015 23:12

Very hard to do.. Ive been as long as you doing it alone. He would be moving in with me

OP posts:
travertine · 15/07/2015 23:14

yes cozie he does, I know, I know, has taken me a while to get him to realise his 'jokes' are really not funny. Has been a major bone of contention believe me.

PoundingTheStreets · 15/07/2015 23:16

Love doesn't put hot food on the table for your DC. You need to be very careful when embarking on a new relationship with someone who does not have the ability to offer financial stability (note I say stability, not wealth) when you have dependents to consider. It's very different from being prepared to shoulder hard times with the father of your DC when times are tough 10 years after getting married, for example.

In all honesty, if you are likely to be facing financial hardship as a result of sharing finances with your new DP, I would not move in with him if it were me. You can be in a committed loving relationship without living together.

Original poster
Londonmummy01 · 15/07/2015 23:16

If only things were on a more equal footing it would be so much easier for us all.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 15/07/2015 23:17

I would treat it quite formally, Londonmummy - no 'Oh don't worry about that' sort of stuff. In the beginning anyway.

How long have you been together?

Original poster
Londonmummy01 · 15/07/2015 23:20

Oh pounding I think that's what I wanted to hear!
We have very different views , he thinks that love will conquer all and I'm like "hell no!" it won't lol. Being a sp gives you a different perspective that I think he will never fully understand. I will continue to live n love as we are are for now.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 15/07/2015 23:22

I think that may be for the best.

travertine · 15/07/2015 23:24

How old are your children? How does he feel about them? Do you want children together?
Are you buying or renting?
Do you actually want to stay as you are?

Original poster
Londonmummy01 · 15/07/2015 23:27

Cozie it's been 2+ years. We discussed it for a long time now but various things have popped up and it hasn't happened for one reason or another. He is keen now as of pg but not gonna make any hasty decision. Particularly with his snoring and pg moodiness growing lol.

OP posts:
travertine · 15/07/2015 23:29

Sorry London was slow posting, stay as you are for now I think. We've found it really hard and my two are 17 and 18 now. We have very different views also (obviously) and if you have young children I think that could be quite damaging. Just my view of course.

Original poster
Londonmummy01 · 15/07/2015 23:31

Traverntine he loves my dc and vise versa and I am 5 wk pg. I think this is the time for him to sort stable employment if he wants us to move forward.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 15/07/2015 23:36

I don't think you should move in with him if it's going to leave you shouldering all the finances of the household and leave you worse of. I honestly can't see the point of making a move that's going to leave you significantly worse of if that's going to be the case.

travertine · 15/07/2015 23:36

London, absolutely. He needs to realise that he he has responsibilities. You are obviously thinking things through. he needs to as well. Lightbulb moment for him possibly?

Handywoman · 16/07/2015 00:09

If it were me (I'm a single parent and in a relationship but not cohabiting) I would treat it like a very detailed business venture, I'd be looking at the cold hard facts, expectations, 'what ifs' I'd leave no stone unturned. Love does NOT conquer all. This is about stability for the dc. YANBU, not at all, in having reservations.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 16/07/2015 00:20

If you're already pregnant, isn't it a bit late for all this? Are you going to claim as a single parent for two children despite not bring single?

Bogeyface · 16/07/2015 02:05

Are you going to claim as a single parent for two children despite not bring single?

Claim what?

She works and tax credits are the same for a single parent as a couple, its all dependent on income. Any credits she get will be dependent on her household income, ie the money she has coming in to support her family, if he isnt living there and isnt contributing (or to use Tax Credit speak "married or living together as if you were married) then her marital status is irrelevant.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 16/07/2015 10:28

The Op says "manage the loss of single parent financial help" so clearly its important. And yes, if he isn't living there it may be irrelevant, but if he's not moving in purely to make it irrelevant, then its very relevant!

Op is in a serious relationship and having another baby. The decision on living together is coming a bit late and shouldn't be based on how much you can make by having him not move in.

whiteflakes · 16/07/2015 11:03

I lost all my income support and tax credits when I moved in with DH (moved in same time as getting married). Bogeyface is right though, if they are living apart tax credits won't be affected (but have to be careful not to let him use your address for any reason as a lot of single parents are getting stung for this).

It has worked out well for us, DH is on a high income and can support me and my dc and we just combine all finances now. He considers all our income as family money and all spending on the dc as family expenses, he doesn't think I should shoulder it just because they're mine. We don't do any maths to work out who contributes what, and we never owe each other money, or ask permission before spending money.

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