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Original poster

DP doesn't want (more) children. Do I stay or leave?

16 replies

OiledBegg · 15/07/2015 19:14

I've just turned 29 and my partner is 49. we clearly have a large age gap but it's never bothered us til now. He has two children who are now young adults. I have one child who is ten.
DP has always been pretty keen to have children with me, and i have always known I wanted more - I had my child at 18 so wasn't planned and was all a rush, obviously I love him to bits but want to do it all again I've always been broody.
We've been together for over two years, happily. DP has a history of depression and has recently had a bad spell. He's feeling better now but has said its made him realise that actually he doesn't want any more kids, he feels too old and it wouldn't be fair on the child especially adding in possible depression etc. I am floored by this, and don't know what to do. I love him, I can't imagine having kids with anyone else or even being with someone else for that matter. But on the other hand i would love the chance to be a mother again.
I feel I am being selfish because I'm already lucky to have one child, it's not like I have none and he is taking away all my chances of having any family at all.
I'm stuck between two crap choices. Is there a chance I could stay with DP and get over the no more kids thing? It'd be a massive shock going back to the baby days now my dc is more independent by the week.
DP is worried I will resent him in the future.

OP posts:
RealityCheque · 15/07/2015 19:19

Take some time to think over what you want. Talk things through with him.

Ultimately, if you still decide you want more children then you have a decision to make. But take the time to get used to the idea and don't resent him for the way he feels.

tribpot · 15/07/2015 19:24

DP is worried I will resent him in the future.

I think it's very possible that you will. His feelings are entirely understandable (I'm 43 and couldn't imagine to going back to the early days of parenting) but you are also quite within your rights to want the chance to be a parent again, especially being so young.

There are just so many unknowns. You could leave him and then find it impossible to get pregnant again (obviously there are other options but just to simplify the example). You could stay and then break up in 10 years anyway when your chance to have kids is all but gone.

You could stay and discover actually in retrospect going back to the early days of parenting isn't what you want. You could stay and he could change his mind. (Worse, you could leave and then he could change his mind).

Ultimately you don't have to decide right away. Although it wouldn't be kind to your DP to string it out for years (years when he could be meeting someone else too) a small amount of breathing room and time for reflection doesn't seem unreasonable. What do you think you will have wished you'd done when you are 80 and looking back?

Fairylea · 15/07/2015 19:26

Hmm I think at 29 you're still young enough to start over and have a baby in a new and loving relationship with someone who also wants one. I think if you are feeling broody now those feelings will only get stronger in time and you will have missed your chance.

I had my first child at 22, divorced at 28 and remarried again when I was 32 and had my second child at 33 (nearly 34). At the time my divorce seemed like the end of the world (I was half way through ivf and my now ex ran off with an ex before me!) But I'm glad it happened because I met my now dh - on plenty of fish! :)

I feel for you but I think if you do want another child you aren't in the right relationship.

Timetoask · 15/07/2015 19:28

You are at different stages of your lives, things will only get more and more difficult as the years go by. Before it's too late I would leave the relationship and find someone more life compatible.

Original poster
OiledBegg · 15/07/2015 20:03

tribpot the first thing that sprang to mind was that I would regret not having another child or two. A bigger family. More love in my life.

OP posts:
tribpot · 15/07/2015 20:17

I think that's probably as good a sign as anything as to what your priorities are, OiledBegg. Who knows what the future holds but as things stand, staying with your DP means not having any more children. And that isn't what you want.

Original poster
OiledBegg · 16/07/2015 07:28

Thanks tribpot, it's going to be so hard to walk away :(

OP posts:
DrSethHazlittMD · 16/07/2015 08:10

Bear in mind that nothing is guaranteed. You could walk away and remain single for the next 10 years. I have a friend whose partner dumped her after 6 years, just as they were about to buy a house together. She was 30. She is now 38 and has not met anyone and is probably never going to have children now (she wouldn't do the sperm donor single mother route).

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 16/07/2015 08:15

I guess you need to decide what you want. If you want another child, you'll need to leave to provide you with the opportunity to be with someone else who wants a child. If not, then stay. But while, yes, there's no guarantees, you cannot just say "oh well, I might not meet anyone else, so better to be unhappy and not have that second child than risk being alone."

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 16/07/2015 08:19

Staying means, in all probability, not having another child.

Leaving means you have the possibility. Of course nothing is guaranteed, but at 29 you have a good decade of time ahead of you as opportunity.

It sounds harsh but for the sake of your own fertility, if you decide leaving is the right thing to do, be swift about it.

BathtimeFunkster · 16/07/2015 08:26

Leave.

You are a young woman with her whole life ahead of her.

At 29 you don't want to saddle yourself permanently with a man who feels so middle aged that he doesn't want to do things because he feels too old.

When you are 49, he will be 69. What will he feel too old for then?

Part of the deal of going out with a much younger woman is that she's more than likely going to want to have a family.

He has always known that. Now he feels too old to make you happy, but still wants you to make him happy by sticking around and entertaining him through middle age.

Don't waste your youth and fertility on that.

You've had a couple of lovely years together, when your differences in age weren't so stark that you could be in love and be happy.

That has changed now, so the best thing to do is to go your separate ways and build lives suitable to what you both need as people at totally different stages of life.

Milllii · 16/07/2015 08:27

What has your relationship been like this last 6 months? Has he been his usual self with you?

Original poster
OiledBegg · 16/07/2015 19:07

Milli, yep he's pretty much been his usual self. We have ups and downs like any relationship but on the whole it's been great. Since he's told me he doesn't want a baby, I've felt broodier than ever :(

OP posts:
EstaRive · 16/07/2015 19:14

I think you need to bat the ball back into his court. He is the one who has changed what the agreement was. He is saying he doesn't want children, knowing that your relationship up until now has had a future with a child or children in it.

Is he prepared to lose you over this?

Sickoffrozen · 16/07/2015 19:35

I can't blame him for not wanting one at that age.

I would say leave him if it is that important to you

Isetan · 17/07/2015 09:21

EastaRive, the ball remains with the person who doesn't want to maintain the status quo. The OP has a choice to make, it isn't easy but it is a simple one.

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