Ego's & Emotions

[meoryou]

Hello

I have posted before under various names about my marriage worries/woes.

I suppose I am trying to figure out now whether I am being a nag and unfair on him? Our situation is horribly messy and I worry we have made this happen due to disinterest/lack of motivation on our collective parts.

Potted history as succinctly as I can

Married 11 years; 3 dc; dc1 born when we were together less than 2 years
Finances: Negative equity, debts, soe irresponsibility on both our parts but I manage the finances in terms of knowing dates for dd's etc

No sex in over a year. Some messing around, only after drinking, absolutely no kissing. He rejected me for some time telling me I had let myself go, which at the time I hadn't, then changed his mind and told me it was because he resented me for getting him into a situation eg fatherhood, mortgage, marriage etc.

I had/have a higher sex drive I believe, and used to be the one to instigate sex - have stopped doing this. Pride I guess. I realise this is not mature and probably not helping but I have tried reaching out to him over the years, my concerns and worried about us a couple over the years have not changed. However they have been greeted with apologies, promises to change and then nothing.

I have attempted to lay it on the line by suggesting counselling, sending him the odd link to a web article/similar about why I feel the way I do and also about how I understand him to be feeling (generally he wont/doesn't tell me)

I have been suffering with depression, stress and anxiety over the past 10 years or so. Been getting better about managing my symptoms, using CBT, medication, working, seeing friends etc. I am working hard to change my perspective and coping skills.

He flat out refuses to consider a separation, stating that he is worried about our debts and access to the children. Ive suggested 50/50 or as close as possible to it would be ideal as I don't want to keep him away from the children or they him.

Jaysis this is going round the houses.

Can any of you help me process my thinking? Make things that have happened in the past not matter or be important anymore. He think that because things are in the past theyre over with and shouldn't be affecting my judgement anymore. I do see what he means but I don't live completely in the past - just sometimes when things are raw.

I got away for a couple of days late last year. Hubby told me to go on my own because I needed the break - he didn't mind staying home. I had asked him to come with me. Anyway I got back and he told me he didn't want to go away because he feared we would argue. :( Three months later hes trying to organise a break away for my 40th next year!!

Am I all over the place?

Sounds like you are both in a rut, do you love him? Are you staying just because of the kids?
Try not to drag things up from the past - what has happened has happened you cant change it, but try to learn from it?

yes a rut is a good description.. ive worked to learn from his pov why he would reject/resent me. he works hard at home with the kids, will make me cups of tea etc which is kind

BUT

he doesn't listen/hear me, forgets things I have said (maybe hes distracted), doesn't open up, therefore I feel like a spare part that cooks for him

he wants to get a job away from home and leave me here working 30 hpw with the 3 kids.

I wonder is his a method of escaping for him

Well I felt exactly the same tbh in my marriage - sounds like very a similar man. He didn't acknowledge anything, didn't talk much we had little in common until we went out with friends then he would be the life and soul of the evening. Apparently its my fault we didn't talk!!

I left him 3 months ago as he wouldn't move out - he still doesn't understand why I left - maybe that's his problem not mine.

I feel a lot happier now, I don't know if that would work for you.

Other people suggest counseling but in my eyes it just covers over the cracks and people rarely change, (IMO)

Married 11 years

I have been suffering with depression, stress and anxiety over the past 10 years or so.

I feel like a spare part that cooks for him

He flat out refuses to consider a separation

You have a bad marriage. You know you have a bad marriage. He doesn't have to agree to divorce. You are not his prisoner. You just serve the papers. That's it.

In any case, he's going for the "free pass divorce" himself now. He moves away, has whatever fun he wants in the evenings, you do 100% childcare in the week, he does Disney dad at the weekend, you do his laundry. But because you are not actually divorced he doesn't look like a bad 'un. All the perks of divorce for him with none of the downsides.

Woman up and get to a solicitor.

If you stayed in this relationship, where/how would you see yourself in a year or two?

Ketchup I fear you are right about the Disney dad thing. I challenged his pov on it and asked him abut how he thought it would look from my end and he was 'what do you want' attitidude with me. sheesh

Cozie - I really worry about landing myself in a psychiatric ward or having a stroke through stress.

when we argue/ I speak up, I end up with IBS flare-ups and pretty sick into the bargain. Ive told him it stresses me out but he seems oblivious and like I say its my responsibility to respond in a constructive way, with boundaries.

but hold on - isn't that what I have been trying to do all these years (talking to myself now - )

Ketchup has summed it up rather nicely.

Meoryou - You need to get out for your own sanity!

I'm sitting in a clinic after my counselling. Feeling very torn. I'm picking fault with so much of what he does that I worry about being a bully heads sore