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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband will not stop spending money

44 replies

Fedup101 · 15/07/2015 10:03

Me and my dh are in a lot of debt caused by him and his spending habits. He used to take out at least £200 every Friday night on a credit card and by Sunday morning this would all be spent. He would then take money out through the week and then again on Friday night. This caused over the years absolutely massive credit card debt. We have had to remortgage several times to get rid of some debt. He has always been a generous person he is always the person buying rounds in the pub and will spend a lot of money on food. Going up to visit his Mum will usually have set us back about £400 a time.

In 2013 he had health problems and was off work for a while due to this he wasn't going out anymore. I took this as the perfect opportunity to get the credit cards off him. It has taken me two years but we are finally in a position of having our heads above water, we are no longer over drawn in the bank at the end of every month and I have actually managed to pay off some debts. If we had carried on I have no doubts that we would have lost our house.

As his health recovers he has fallen completely back into his old ways he is not using credit cards but he literally cannot do anything without spending a huge amount of money. He has absolutely no idea about money and wastes it on the most stupid things. It's like he can't rest knowing theres money in his wallet he could be spending. I honestly feel like crying he is excessive in everything he does and I have no idea as to how to tackle this? Every time I bring it up it causes a huge arguement but I feel like I buried my head in the sand before and this caused so much more debt.

Sorry this is so long.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 15/07/2015 12:09

I would also be tempted to tell his family that you almost lost your house due to his out of control spending. Tell them you need their support or he will bankrupt himself.

WorriedMutha · 15/07/2015 12:20

I think you have been far too understanding for far too long. I sense your utter exasperation but this guy needs a wake up call. You have to keep yourself financially firewalled. Is he not shamed by not being able to offer some cushion to a child departing for university when it sounds as if you ought to have been in the position to help. No more Mr Nice guy I say. Tough love now. If he wants to keep you, he needs to step up to the plate.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 15/07/2015 12:24

Uh I'm sorry but I think you should divorce him
Being financially linked to this tool is going to ruin your life

butterflygirl15 · 15/07/2015 12:52

You cannot spend your life policing his spending. You are his wife not his jailer. It is a LTB from me - sorry.

cozietoesie · 15/07/2015 12:55

I don't see a lot of hope for the relationship either, Ehric. This isn't a callow youth but a grown man who has the destructive patterns deeply embedded and who is thoroughly used to being hauled back from the abyss by someone else.

Still. If the OP puts them in a position where he doesn't have the money to spend, perhaps it will bring some realization and motivation to his life. I wouldn't be giving it too long though.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 15/07/2015 13:05

He's not lovely. He has spent his children's university money on his mates down the pub. He nearly made them homeless. That is not my definition of a good husband or father.

You sound terrified of giving him an ultimatum.

Why are you putting up with this? What are you afraid of?

paxtecum · 15/07/2015 13:39

You could have four accounts:
1.an account that the wages go into and all the Direct debits come out of.

a pocket money account for him that you pay so much into each week and when its gone, its gone.
Another account that only you have access to for everything else.
a savings account that he knows nothing about.

or LTB.

NameChange30 · 15/07/2015 13:45

The above could work but only if #2 (the pocket money account) is the only account he has access to. If he has access to #1 (which pays mortgage, bills, etc) that's a recipe for disaster. He could empty it and the essential bills wouldn't be paid. I'm guessing that's (roughly) what happened in the past?

I still think it should be an ultimatum: he gets help or they get divorced. It's madness to be financially tied to someone with a spending problem who refuses to accept it and get help.

pallasathena · 17/07/2015 14:10

Sounds like he has low self esteem if he wants to be perceived as the generous one in your circle of friends and family. Its this aspect I'd try and address first, why does he feel he has to purchase approval?

And I agree with the previous poster who said he's ruined the financial future support for the daughter off to university shortly...do you realise just how awkward that's going to be? especially when she'll be making friends with people whose parents have made provision, even if its just the odd small cheque in the post each semester.

You need to take control. You need to have some tough talking with him and tell him its become a deal breaker. Either he sorts himself out or he's on his own and can continue indulging his fantasy of being Mr Big Guy with his daft spending addiction.

You deserve better. And you deserve to live a life where your interests and the family's interests are number one...not way down in his twisted pecking order.

He sounds selfish. I don't think I'd want to stay with someone so horribly self absorbed.

ouryve · 17/07/2015 14:26

I used to be married to someone like that. I spent a few years untangling myself from him financially, thenltb

Of course there were more problems than the prolific spending - he was EA, too, but I really was tired of being skint with nothing to show for it. DH and I have a smaller income many years on, than ex and I had together, we spend fr3ely, but always have money left over. And our house is paid for. Debt iscso expensive.

griselda101 · 17/07/2015 14:33

not read the full thread but....

as others have advised, separate all your accounts and give him one "pocket money" account, drip fed and minimsed, no access to other accounts.

as well as this it does sound as though he needs counselling and debt support, maybe CBT would be a help, this is available free through the NHS and has helped people I know with overspending issues.

then maybe when he has proved himself to be financially responsible you can think about more financial control etc

is he fully aware of how this makes you feel, are you able to be honest with each other? if he's not prepared to address it, are you prepared to stay with him? it sounds like a deal breaker, at least it would be to me.

cozietoesie · 17/07/2015 14:45

...Every time I bring it up it causes a huge arguement...

I don't think he is prepared to address it - and it's been going on for - what - 20 years?

As I said before, I don't hold out much hope for the situation improving.

Jan45 · 17/07/2015 15:36

I'm afraid I would have left him a long time ago, he's a complete liability and a drain on your life.

Instead of constantly bailing him out and sacrificing your own life and that of your children, why not cut him loose, let him go ahead and ruin his life, has he not done enough damage to yours already?

ditherydora · 17/07/2015 22:56

I can only sympathise. My DP is just the same. I thought we had it cracked when he gave me access to his bank accounts (we don't have a shared account) and he is in a DAS (which to his credit he arranged. However, I've realised his spending has been out of control again and when I challenged him about it he has kicked back strongly and is shutting me out now. I don't want to hijack your thread but I am reading with interest as I am at a loss as to what to do.

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 18/07/2015 10:13

If he can't change his ways, since you can't force him to, your choices are either to LTB or stay as you are. Sorry to be so stark.

Also, it sounds like a lot of the reason things have been rescueable so far is due to equity in the house? Am presuming your home has increased in value from when you bought it, then? Which is not something you can necessarily keep relying on.

TuTru · 17/04/2018 16:48

I feel your pains!
My partner, despite me telling him and him saying he understood still spends all the money on himself. I constantly worry and scrimp and ration but he just spends spends spends. I feel bad for moaning about it, but he just carries on anyway. I don’t know how much longer I can keep putting up with it now. 15 yrs has drained nearly all the care out of me. I’ve got plenty of other problems to keep me busy with him adding to them.
How do you all cope?

MeMyShelfandIkea · 17/04/2018 16:54

ZOMBIE THREAD

TuTru you'd be better off starting your own thread if you need advice as people tend to respond to the OP.

Turkkadin · 17/04/2018 20:06

There isn't a man on this planet that I would love enough to put up with this type of abuse. I wouldn't be removing his credit cards, I would be removing him from my life because it would never get any better if I didn't. You've had 20 years OP to know he isn't going to morph into Mr Sensible any time soon. You and your daughters deserve better.

TuTru · 17/04/2018 21:53

Sorry yes, I did sort of think that after. Was just after reading everybodies replies I felt the urge to say something. Wasn’t trying to hijack the thread. I will still just read the replies to the OP... they are helpful and it’s good to know lots of peoples opinions on the same subject xx
Sorry OP

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