He has 4 kids and doesn't want anymore

[Ncarroll0712]

Hi
My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 3 years and the subject of us having a child together has been broached a few times. The problem is that he already has 4 kids by two ex partners and has said that he doesn't want to be the guy that has 5 kids by three different women. I'm at a bit of a loss as he says that he's never been happier than he is with me and he has said in the past that he wouldn't mind having another child but when we were discussing it at the weekend he'd changed his mind again. The kids don't live with us and we get them every 2nd weekend and I love them to bits but there is just something missing. I'm jealous that he's had kids with these other women and keeps being so wishy-washy with me about having a baby. I get where he's coming from about the whole financial side of things but I just feel like I'm being punished for his past. I know that sounds harsh, but I'm nearly 38 and time is marching on. I'm deeply in love with him and I know that this could make us or break us but I just don't want to lose him but on the other hand is his love enough to compensate for the lack of me having a child. Am I being selfish?
Thanks

Only you can decide this. You are not being selfish - I could not have been with someone who didn't want children. Equally I respect his decision having 4 children already. I hope you can come to the decision you feel is right and don't look back with regrets

You're not being selfish to want a child. And he has very good reasons not to want another, 4 children is plenty by anyone's standards. It's not a reflection on you, he just doesn't want a fifth child. If I you were you, and I really wanted a child, I'd cut my losses and move on. Sorry.

Is he really concerned about being "that guy" and others' opinions, or is it that he is concerned about his relationship with his DC?

4 non-resident DC to provide for (financially and emotionally) and maintain a good as possible relationship with is a lot of work and time. And the DC might well not be happy for him to have a new DC with you.

Only you can decide if you want to stay with him and not have DC or leave and seek to become a parent with someone else or alone. His decision is his to make and isn't unreasonable given his circumstances and responsibilities, but it's not great that he has given you mixed messages, especially given your age.

I was going to ask the same as Duck, you said he doesn't want to be the 'guy with 5 kids three different mums' is that because he is worried what people will think of him? Because that's a silly thing to worry about. As long as he can (as Duck had said) provide for the children then I don't see the problem.
Three years isn't long though, make sure your both 100% before having a baby, personally after having a son previous to meeting my DH now I wanted to be married and be settled before having this one I'm expecting, as I now have 2 children with 2 different fathers! Just make sure its what you both want.

I think he's very sensible. 4 children is a lot to provide for already, and their quality of life will be impacted by him having a child with you as he will have less money to go around.

If you really want children then I would cut your losses and end your relationship.

I feel for you OP. I can see why he wouldn't want another child, but you really need to have a serious sit down talk about this. It sounds like you really want a baby and this is the deal breaker. If he doesn't and you do, you need to move on. Good luck