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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Separated but living together £ issues

25 replies

JessiePinkMan · 14/07/2015 16:16

I am so stressed, I feel like I'm walking near the edge of a cliff the whole time so I don't think I'm seeing things clearly & need some help working out what's best.
'D'h & I separated 3 yrs ago but partly due to procrastination/ill health/3dc & generally getting along ok we have still been living together.
It came to a head in February though on holiday he was cold, distant & me & dc had a horrible time being on the end of his moods. He said he was going through a midlife crisis & was supported by a woman at work (they are not having an affair but he was texting her all the time on holiday & continues to do so).
After a while of getting his mh sorted, discussing things endlessly I asked him to move out, he agreed. I have arranged for two lodgers to live with dc & I from August so as we can afford this. Their rent will be slightly more than the mortgage but I will be providing meals for them.
To date he has looked at zero flats even though I've found lots on rightmove & sent them through. One really promising one would have been fab for him, he agreed, said he would go look. That was a week ago. I tentatively asked him about it because he gets in such a mood about it all, he said he phoned up yesterday & it had gone already. Well ffs! If you leave it 5 days obviously it might go. I'm pissed off about that but it has sparked a discussion about £.
Basically I have asked the lodgers to pay into my account. But he is saying it should be paid into his account because the reason for having them is so as to afford his living somewhere else. I am really pissed off because I don't see it like that, I want to pay the mortgage on this place, with the £ I'm earning from having lodgers live with me.
He pays the mortgage. We both pay into a joint acc for everything else about 80:20 I'm a much lower earner/had 8 years as stay at home mum. Who is right please? Maybe it's him but I just want to be fecking independent as much as I can my stress levels go through the roof when he walks in

OP posts:

woowoo22 · 14/07/2015 16:22

This is crazy. Do you have anything legally drawn up for split of assets etc?

Original poster

JessiePinkMan · 14/07/2015 16:53

A crazy plan you mean? I thought I was being all independent woman arranging a way forward because he would never have got off his arse & sorted anything out in terms of how we'd actually pay for this. I want to stay here for the time being btw, for the secondary schools and so the kids can keep their home for now. They are already sensitive kids & having to move right away would not help. No, nothing legal. He gets so angry & wound up about this sort of thing I just want shot of him. Then after 2 years I'll file for divorce & he'll have to tell the solicitor what he earns etc(he won't tell me). We'll sell the house & both get smaller places. Actually having a plan has made these past few months bearable, is it reLly a crap one?!

OP posts:

PurpleWithRed · 14/07/2015 17:02

See a solicitor right now. You are both going about this all wrong and need to get it sorted.

Original poster

JessiePinkMan · 14/07/2015 17:11

On my own? He would not come with me. I'd need to know all his financial details which even if I could get hold of.. It would just have an almighty fallout- I need to keep things calm for dc. I need to convince him to leave the house calmly & quietly how?

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 14/07/2015 17:47

Unless another woman beckons he's not going to leave calmly or quietly and at this rate you'll have another 2 adults to cater and char for come 1st August.

Have you taken a deposit from the lodgers and have you considered what joy it'll be for them to live in your happy home when it's probable that their first experience of being under your roof will be an unseemly wrangle over who they're expected to pay rent to?

As for seeing a solicitor "on my own" (shock horror emoticon), it is the custom for couples who wish to separate/divorce to independently consult and instruct their individual lawyers in private.

Don't worry about needing to know his 'financials' at this point as your solicitor can ask him to provide these details in the fullness of time, while your priority is to stand your ground re the lodgers' payments even if that risks the almighty fallout you seem desperate to avoid.

Btw, you don't have to wait 2 years to divorce when your h's unreasonable behaviour with regard to the emotional (if not physical) affair he's having with his female colleague is sufficient ground to petition now, but do get a move on if you want to cite your ruined holiday in February as the law takes the view that if the unreasonable behaviour happened 6 months ago and you've done nowt about it in the interim, you've accepted/condoned it.

nozzz · 14/07/2015 17:51

I don't understand this situation at all, are you actually separated?

woowoo22 · 14/07/2015 17:56

Meant this is crazy in that you've lived together post-separation for 3 years. See the solicitor, don't tell H anything. Let your solicitor guide you.

woowoo22 · 14/07/2015 17:57

I take it he's abusive? In which case give Women's Aid a call. Situation sounds intolerable with the lodgers the least of the worries.

MrsHuxtableReturns · 14/07/2015 17:58

I don't get this. If you are separated he can surely text whoever he wants and it's not any kind of affair.

woowoo22 · 14/07/2015 18:01

Once he has his own place he needs to fund it. You sound way too entwined financially to be separated.

Do you earn enough to pay bills etc, with the lodger's money?

butterflygirl15 · 14/07/2015 18:02

what are the implications to your mortgage/tax if you rent out rooms and provide food? Do you need certificates if you are catering in your home?

woowoo22 · 14/07/2015 18:02

As in, doesn't sound like you've been separated at all for the last few years.

goddessofsmallthings · 14/07/2015 18:12

It occurs to me that if you have, indeed, been living as 2 separate households under the same roof for the past 3 years, you could each swear an affidavit to this effect and petition for divorce with consent but, again, this is matter to discuss with your solicitor.

SugarOnTop · 14/07/2015 18:30

He pays the mortgage......But he is saying it should be paid into his account because the reason for having them is so as to afford his living somewhere else.

well the money he will be saving by not paying the mortgage once your lodgers move in will help him fund somewhere else to live.

Original poster

JessiePinkMan · 14/07/2015 20:51

godess I'm not sure I deserve unkindness or sarcasm but thanks for the info re solicitor. As someone who's never been through this I don't know these things. As for the lodgers, there is no room for him as well so he will have to move, which he will, I put the info about him not looking for somewhere to rentin there to explain why I'm feeling frustrated. Yes it's all above board - through a local university & he has agreed & even signed some bits of paperwork. Yes he's free to text who he likes, he's not having an affair anyway - but going on holiday & constantly texting home as well as his behaviour in general there & on return really changed the atmosphere & I decided it was time to make a break. Yes we have been separated and living together- as friends, good friends. Life is very busy, we've had several big life events to deal with in that time & I can't believe it's been 3 years but there you go. I don't want to do unreasonable behaviour because I think he may turn nasty & I want to protect dc.
I've been on mn a long time & seen so much support & always try & reply with kindness when I've had support to give, maybe I come across like a dick or really weird or something but I'm off as reading these is making me feel 10 times worse

OP posts:

woowoo22 · 15/07/2015 07:35

It must be a truly frustrating situation OP. Do you have a plan for what to do next? I think solicitor/CAB/women's aid would be key to helping you get things moved along and progressing.

Kent1982 · 15/07/2015 08:35

I see what your trying to do, I see that he may be trying to keep some level of control via the money being paid to him. Maybe like keeping one hand in ( not sure if the saying). This must be a very anxious time for you and I applaud you for taking control and trying to organise the finances so you can survive well. Is he aware these people will be moving in in a couple of weeks as that should motivate him to go. I don't have mNy suggestions or help but I do understand that we do things for different reasons. Maybe you book the flat viewing and take him

Kent1982 · 15/07/2015 08:38

PS I don't think your a dick. We all do what we think is right for our families even if from the outside people think it's weird. Your obviously looking out for dc and the atmosphere has now changed so your more keen to move things along ( and out )

Viviennemary · 15/07/2015 08:49

I don't think it's fair that he is dithering about moving out when he is the one who wants to separate. As for the financial side. I think you need legal advice to sort this out. I wouldn't even consider getting lodgers till the separation is legal and you have separate finances. They will just add to the problem IMHO.

pocketsaviour · 15/07/2015 08:54

Jessie I'm sorry you feel unsupported but I think people are just very surprised at your situation.

3 years after separating, to still be living together and taking holidays together is very unusual. Not to mention, if you're separated then its irrelevant who he texts - your words in the opening post were "he's not having an affair" so this made it look as if you felt you were still in a relationship.

The legal and financial side of this is very murky indeed. From a common sense point of view, if you are going to take over paying the entire mortgage, and provide the meals, then the lodgers' money should go to your account. However, I would consult a solicitor about this and the future financial arrangements as well.

Have you signed a contract with the Uni for the lodgers to arrive on a certain date? If so, remind your H that the lodgers will be arriving on X date and so he needs to be out before that date. Rents don't just happen overnight - there will be credit checks, references to take up, removals to arrange, etc, so he needs to leave himself a margin of a month, realistically, to be on the safe side. Plus, you usually have to look at quite a few places before you find one you really like!

But please, make that solicitor appointment first and find out where you stand legally.

Viviennemary · 15/07/2015 08:57

Sorry I didn't see that you already have signed up for the lodgers. But if you aren't getting any rent yourself for them and it's going to your DH there doesn't seem a lot of point having them. Having the lodgers might also affect any benefits you are entitled to. You really do need legal advice as to all this. I'm not even sure you can legally insist on having all the rent if your husband jointly owns the house.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/07/2015 09:06

Well if you will be covering the mortgage he will have all that money to rent another place surely.
Definitely get legal advice.
In reality, any profit you might make from the lodgers, 50% is his.
But he will to pay maintenance towards his kids etc...
CAB might also be a good move - get an appointment with them and see what they have to say about all of this.

It must be so hard. I lived with my Ex after separation for 6 months - that was hard going.

lifebeginsat42 · 15/07/2015 09:38

When I was really worried about how I was actually going to get my H to leave the house the solicitor I spoke to came up with a plan.

He was going to write H a very polite and nice letter saying how stressful I was finding the situ and how it was causing me anxiety, saying that it was in the best interests of the children to remain in their current home and basically hinting at some of the nastier aspects of his behaviour (but implying that no one really wants these raised) and then asking him to move out.

Might be worth a go?

Kent1982 · 15/07/2015 10:04

He can't expect the kids to leave the family home. I might just ask him what he is planning on doing maybe. it seems like your being strung along waiting on him so to avoid conflict but he needs to let you know the plan. I think you getting the lodgers is actually a great thing for him as it reduces the financial burden.

Isetan · 15/07/2015 12:33

This sounds very messy indeed, you may be separated but things are not seperate and your anxiety stems from the uncertainty of your situation.

Your 'in limbo' relationship has created its own dynamic and it isn't healthy (especially for your kids), you mentioning him texting women during your holiday says a lot, you have expectations of him and your situation that are unrealistic.

With regards to the rent money, there could be tax, insurance cover, council tax, implications and your mortgage lender will certainly want to know, it really isn't just about making quick money. This needs to be sorted before the rent money reaches any bank account.

Rip the plaster off and start the process of officially separating, by seeing a solicitor as soon as possible.

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