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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What now??

10 replies

tic73 · 14/07/2015 09:38

First time on here so here goes. My husband left the family home yesterday after months of deciding if our relationship was over. What I thought would be relief is more like grief. I haven't been happy for a long time trying to explain this on many occasions to my husband who either dismissed it or told me it was "all in my head" Unfortunately when he realised I was serious the time had passed for me and I knew I would probably never get the feelings back. He is now devastated as he says he has lost everything. His home, kids and everything we have worked towards over the years. I feel terrible and the guilt is eating away at me. Part of me wants to try again but deep down I know the same problems will be there after the initial make up honeymoon period. Am I just feeling this because its actually happening and very raw or should I try again even if I have come this far. We do have two children who seem fine about the situation.

OP posts:

FredaMayor · 14/07/2015 09:45

OP, you are grieving for the relationship and all the hopes you had at the beginning, and it's a perfectly natural sentiment even if you know you have done the right thing. Over time you begin to feel more at ease with your decision, IME, and you will not feel the urge to try again because of your feeling of guilt.

Sickoffrozen · 14/07/2015 10:11

You are feeling like this because you are human and he is making you have a guilt trip!

Very few decent people want to purposely hurt others.

However, you are right that it would be a waste of time trying again and you would just he delaying the inevitable !

midnightvelvetPart2 · 14/07/2015 11:21

So he had months of deciding whether he wanted to stay or not (were you doing the pick me dance?) without actually listening to what you were trying to tell him?! Whilst actively telling you that there was something wrong with you & making you doubt yourself & now he accuses you of taking everything away. Bloody hell OP that man is a deluded twat!

He had plenty of time to repair or even to try to heal your relationship & he didn't & somehow its magically all of your fault?! There is no reason for you to feel guilty at all & I think you are correct in your instinct that nothing would change if he came back.

Don't fall for his 'poor little me' routine & stay strong. You did your best to communicate with him & to heal your marriage, it was his choice to ignore that & now he's finally realised what he's lost he's laying a heavy guilt trip on you to force your hand.

(just a thought, could there be another woman involved?)

Original poster

tic73 · 14/07/2015 11:49

No defiantly not 100%. He is married to his work.

OP posts:

Snoopdogg12 · 14/07/2015 15:33

This was me last year - couldn't talk to husband as he dismissed it as all my fault, had no empathy and belittled me. He wouldn't move out, I thought we could play happy families but the tension grew and after 6 mths I decided to get out and Im glad I did but all I get now is that I left him to rot and he has nothing, I cant win.

Original poster

tic73 · 14/07/2015 23:43

It's so hard. I don't hate him by any means but he wouldn't allow me to be me and tbh I felt like a teenager instead of a grown woman a lot of the time as constantly getting told off for the way I was. He also rejected me sexually even when I said I felt unattractive etc so I think it was a control thing. It was always classed as me with the problem and after several telling offs on social occasions just couldn't do it anymore.
I still feel awful towards him though as he doesn't want this at all. It's the fear that's hardest to deal with.

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 14/07/2015 23:48

Of course he doesn't want this. People who put down their partners do it to keep them in their place and big-up themselves. He's lost his whipping post. What are you afraid of?

TheStoic · 15/07/2015 07:55

You are hurting, and you want something to take away the hurt. That's completely normal.

But trying again with your husband would only relieve that pain in the very short term. You have to remember and think about what is best for you in the long term, and work towards that now.

TheLastCarnival · 15/07/2015 13:54

I think you have done the right thing. I wish I had your strength and courage.

Do you have someone to talk to in RL or someone who can be with you?

Original poster

tic73 · 16/07/2015 17:55

Have reluctantly agreed to give it another go. My heart is so not in it but the daily breakdowns and begging from him are just to much. He moved out for one day! Think it was for effect to see if I'd get him to stay. I'm doing this until situation calms down then will revisit it. I'm just exhausted mentality and physically to fight anymore for the time being. I feel if I just at least be seen to be trying at least I can say I tried when it eventually goes wrong again.

OP posts:

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