I have nc'd for this.
I wonder if I need antidepressants. Because I wonder if I have no perspective. H is on antidepressants and is very much on an even keel and doesn't get bothered about too much anymore. Unless one of the dcs has wandered into the road or something then he panics!
This is quite long. Please don't attack or be snide. I'm looking for positive constructive advice which I will truly appreciate. It is not meant to be a pity party. I am just saying how it is. And I am sorry if it is all very trivial.
One issue is that H thinks I get annoyed about stuff too much. I do get irritated and sometimes I have a rant.
Recent examples include:
1). We had a legal dispute with a vet recently. We settled out of court for a much lower amount. The solicitor who helped us works for fil's old law firm. We want to give him two v good bottles of his fave whisky. Fil objects and practically insists we only give him one even though this solictor hasn't billed us because h sometimes sends work to that firm. Fil has sent us both emails about our choice of gift, insisting one bottle is enough, saying where we should buy it to save money. H will just do what fil says so as not to upset him unless I make a fuss. I want to thank that solicitor in the way I want not the way fil thinks we should. This irritates me. It's none of his business. Why does he have an opinion on it?
2). We holidayed in a gite this month. It is owned by the mother of a sort of friend of mine. I distanced myself hugely from this friend because I felt she was taking the michael with childcare. This was 3 years ago mind. Anyway, this friend popped over with her chum who I also know - the mother lives downstairs - and took the chum all around the part of the gite we were staying in without asking us if it was okay. Showed her the bedrooms etc. We were sitting right there eating our supper. I was surprised by this and then annoyed. H says he couldn't care less and why should I? I felt it was disrespectful but if I had said anything, I would have been regarded as ott.
3). We got invited to a family wedding. The invitation went to our old address but we are on good terms with the people who live there. They emailed us to tell us they would forward it on to us. No problem. Great. Fil then emails mother of the groom without us knowing saying she has done this twice to us now and she should amend her addresses. Mother of groom sends us deeply apologetic email but we aren't bothered except I am irritated because fil has stuck his nose in again. It's nothing to do with him imo. H says he doesn't care.
4). Less recently, we were invited on holiday to a friend's house in Spain. We had been with them there for a week the year before. And for a long weekend with them the year before that.
I said no thank you, worried it was too much of an imposition on their family holiday time. These friends asked us four times. Each time I said no and explained why.
Then they asked us a 5th time and showed us a date in their diary when they were free for us to come. H and I then agreed to come.
The friends then said they were going to charge us. Not much but I was taken aback. I had refused to go over and over. They had asked us over and over. On our previous visits, we had paid for all the groceries during our visit (for both parties) and taken them out for dinner as a thank you.
I took offence at being charged. H said I was being stupid. We were broke. We should pay otherwise we couldn't have any sort of holiday that year. I however, would never charge people to stay with me and if I couldn't afford it, I wouldn't invite them. I told the friends this and they told me where to go. Then at their initiative, we made friends again with apologies. Of course it's never been the same again.
I actually have no real friends. Well, I mean I have friends who I will walk my dogs with or chat to at the school gate but no really good best friends. I thought the friend in example 2 above was a great friend but then I actually realised she was taking advantage of me hugely so I just detached. She is great fun, vivacious, beautiful, school gate queen bee and is quite off to me but also can be very kind.
I had another friend who just dumped me too. She detached and it took me a while to realise what was going on. I felt like such an idiot when the penny finally dropped and I stopped inviting her over for play dates. Karma, I thought. She's polite but distant now even though our dss are great pals. She will have boys and their mums over but insists on just my ds when a play date is arranged after much harassment from our sons! I cringe when she makes it plain I am not welcome.
H and I had a massive marital crisis last Dec. It was make or break time. We are working through it after a lot of painful, honest truths and I leaned on who I thought was a friend. He was nice to me for months saying I'd been there for him at a hard time. And now he avoids my calls. I think it's because he's found out what I'm really like.
I have never been popular at all throughout school, university, work and now school gate and working from home. I now just assume people are not interested in me, I am deathly boring, not rich enough/thin enough/witty enough so I just don't bother anymore. This is a self fulfilling prophecy, I'm sure.
I do work part time from home. I love it. I wish I could work more hours and I am working on that.
But I am unhappy. I feel lonely. I cherish my own time but I really like spending time having a giggle with friends. I don't have a lot of spare cash to socialise but I guess I should go out more with mums from school.
Am I a dickhead then who needs to take some antidepressants and just read Desiderata every morning?