Feel like crying and can't take it anymore....

[Homely1]

I know that my story may not sound particularly difficult to any of you and there are those facing tougher times. I am finding it difficult to cope with though. I have a young DC, am separated and DH is fighting me constantly for access.

DC has not been without me. Initially DH would take DC alone but stopped that approx 2 years ago. There was also a period when he went AWOL. DH is back claiming that he is a model father. He has been seeing DC with me. I have been trying to stay in the back ground working up to time for me not to be around. Though the latter has not happened yet.

DH has threatened court previously and is now demanding to take DC for the day. That is fine but DC has not been without me yet. I have explained that we are not there yet but DH is not listening and is using language which is bullying. There is no acknowledgement of my actions ie trying to be off in the background so that time can be spent alone. In fact, DH says that I've done nothing to allow him time with DC. He says that I keep saying that things have to be done according to DC in a timely way (which I believe is right for DC).

All his messages are about his needs not what is right for DC. He is attacking everything I do- work, childcare arrangements. I'm afraid, just afraid from the language he uses. I'm scared when I see a message from him. When I respond to him (and I don't say no), he tells me that I am behaving inappropriately just because it's something that he does not agree with. I have changed things around at short notice to accommodate him yet he does not appreciate that either. I worry that he is not thinking about DC and does not put DC first, will be taken from an environment that is settled and nuturing to one very different. He also lies an awful
Lot, has always done and does so on paper to make me look bad.

I don't see how I can deal with this/ him as he is not reasonable.

Start recording everything. Every time he contacts you about the DC, make sure it's by text or email, and keep any communication he sends.

I guess there is no official contact arrangement in place? How old are your DC? The usual contact arrangement is every other weekend (Fri-Sun) and one weekday evening.

Is there a reason you feel that is inappropriate? Is he abusive to the DC? Do they want to spend time with him?

Sorry I have lots of questions.

• Why did unsupervised contact stop 2 years ago?
• How old is the child?
• How often is contact now?
• How long have you been supervising contact for?
• What are the reasons for supervised contact?

Thank you.
Just under 3. He just stopped taking DC and I do not know why! He's only just reappeared and DC is quite clingy with me. He says I work so of course DC'll be fine. But DC keeps looking for me. We are working to unsupervised.

I just mean inappropriate now as no unsupervised at present- my idea was working up from hour the 2 etc. plus his real wish is to parade DC around ppl..I hadn't said no recently just that to take DC for hours when that has not happened for a shorter period of time is not ideal. He went ape as that would then mean that he cannot parade around DC.

You're right, at that age it needs to be for a shorter period of time to begin with. Have you suggested that they go to the park together for an hour or to a local cafe/library?

Have you begun divorce proceedings? Does your dh pay maintenance/child support regularly?

How long has he been seeing the dc with you and how does the dc interact with him? Does this contact take place in your home?

What things need to be done "according to DC in a timely way"?

I am not clear on the reason why he cant spend a day with his dad to be honest. How long has he been seeing the child with you in the background?

Thank you all. No divorce proceedings and we usually go out. All this contact stuff really scared me if I am honest. I worry about how DC may be nurtured/ treated/ how going to and fro is unsettling.

By timely I mean working up unsupervised contact staring from a short time to longer.

There is some maintenance paid - not veryuch and it was increased recently but still not what he should be paying.

He was very offended when I suggested a short period of time alone previously. His attitudecwasvthat I should not be telling him how long/ where/ when etc as he is a father and has rights.

Well he has a point. Your child has a right to see their dad too. Is there a specific reason they can't be together without you?

We are working to that as DC clingy hence my reason for sitting aside so then later I can disappear and DC fine.
There are other issues ie very poisonous family full of liars. I would not know what DC up to/ where DC is as likely to be paraded from house to house as that's what is important to him/ DC being turned against me. But I guess I have to put those issues aside.

How long have you been supervising access for?

i sort of see your side if he is being aggressive and threatening to you what is he like when he is without you? iyswim

do you have a residency order?

do you fear he won't be returned?

are you keeping records?

can you just tell him to take it to court? the courts won't think too kindly of a man who pisses off when he wants to shows up and demands his toy child is handed over

he sounds a bully i understand why you're clinging to your child as you are you don't feel safe allowing him away for long periods you acknowledge and recognise you are part of the problem i think you need to clarify your legal position and give yourself some legal security so if he takes him you can have him returned to you maybe that would help with your insecurities?

Thank you all. It's been a few months. There is no trust. He's a liar.

I certainly was worried that he'd take off when he used to take DC a while ago. Goodness knows now.

How do I cope with his messages... His aggressive/bullying tone? I'm scared to receive a message from him and scared to reply due to the response he may muster

You need to start divorce proceedings and get all this sorted out via a lawyer. Age 3 is far too young to be whipped away for long periods of time by someone who is a relative stranger by all accounts.

What you are doing, working up to unsupervised access sounds right to me, but you must see a solicitor. Make sure you see one who understands how to deal with bullying men.

Thank you. What do I do in the meantime if he is insisting on taking DC, not listening to my reasoning and telling me I'm acting wrong?

I'm struck that the OP's account could be a very one-sided view of matters.

Happy to expand if that helps?