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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Following on from the 'all affairs are women's fault' thread..

50 replies

Booboobedoo · 19/11/2006 17:45

...do most people really think the psycho-sexual differences between men and women are that black and white?

I keep reading 'men can separate sex and love, and it's harder for women'-type-posts, and nobody seemed to disagree.

I was always able to separate the two - and gained a lot of enjoyable experiences from doing so when I was younger.

I'm not tempted to cheat on my DH now, but that's because I try to do-as-I-would-be-done-by, and I have too much respect for him.

The argument seems to run that men are genetically programmed to spread the seed, whilst women want to stay with their 'protector'. I suppose that may be true through pregnancy and with a young family, but it's also true that you're more likely to get pregnant if you sleep with more than one man in 24 hours, as the sperm appear to compete to reach the egg.

Then, as they get older, women's testosterone levels rise and men's fall. (Excuse possible rogue apostrophes).

So do you think it's true? Are men genetically programmed to cheat?

I don't: but I'm intrigued to see how many do.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 19/11/2006 21:54

I can't have sex w/anyone I don't really like.

I had an ex bf who was masterful in bed. I mean, he was talented.

After we split and it was bad, I went off him completely.

Picked up a bloke on a bus, but couldn't shag the ex bf.

psssst · 19/11/2006 22:31

Expat - why d'you keep bringing up your encounter with the guy on the bus?

Judy1234 · 19/11/2006 23:09

I think as many women have affairs as men but men might show off about it and women keep quiet about it.

Women are geneticlaly programmed to marry dull sexless men who will stay with them and support them and to have sex with others who are attractive and unreliable. I think that was the supposed model. bit like men enjoying sexy thin women but settling down with the reliable girl with the child bearing hips.

Some people of both sexes are more into sex than others. Some are asexual. So far, but one lives in hope, the best sex I've had has not been with someone I'm in love with.

Peridot30 · 19/11/2006 23:46

What a load of shite, People have affairs cause the grass is always greener on the other side.

expatinscotland · 20/11/2006 09:13

b/c it's become a bit of a running joke, pssst.

don't call Welshy, she'll call me a whore again .

Original poster

Booboobedoo · 20/11/2006 11:52

I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Felt like some sort of sociapath reading the other thread.

Couldn't carry on last night as I was cooking dinner for 'my man' to make sure he didn't have an affair.

BTW expat, re the 'wrong men' comment: I was only joking. I think 'good sex' comes more from you than from the person you're sleeping with (although, of course, their input is important ).

MP - how nice to have somone agreeing with everything I say. A rare enough occurence...

OP posts:

UnquietDad · 20/11/2006 11:59

"The argument seems to run that men are genetically programmed to spread the seed, whilst women want to stay with their 'protector'."

I don't think it's anything to do with wanting to spread the seed. That's the last thing that men who have affairs would want to happen!!!

Bugsy2 · 20/11/2006 12:11

I've always been able to separate the two as well. Lust and love are entirely separate - although it is very nice when the coincide!
There are still all sorts of bizarre beliefs that surround sex: like that "nice" girls don't sleep around and in some quarters that you should still "keep" yourself for marriage!!!
Men are much less pressured by sex as regardless of whether or not they are sensible & careful they are - they will NEVER get pregnant!!!

ELF1981 · 20/11/2006 12:41

I found the men can separate it argument interesting on the other thread, but I stand by what I said on that thread - affairs about about lack of respect - for oneself, partner, children and marriage vows.

UnquietDad · 20/11/2006 12:58

And if men can separate love/sex and women can't, does that mean that a woman having an affair is doing so on a much "deeper" level - not just that she fancies a hot bit of arse, but that she is emotionally dissatisfied with her husband?

Original poster

Booboobedoo · 20/11/2006 13:06

That would appear to be the logical conclusion UQD!

Which pretty much puts the nail in the coffin for the whole theory as far as I'm concerned, as it's clearly not true. (Except for Ruth in The Archers, of course).

And ELF - I agree. In fact, I put in my OP that I wouldn't have an affair preciseley because I have too much respect for my DH. And for myself.

OP posts:

UnquietDad · 20/11/2006 13:16

I've had conversations with friends about what they'd do if their other half had an affair. The women said they'd feel hurt, upset, would question the relationship, etc. A lot of the blokes said they'd probably want to even things up, if you see what I mean.

Original poster

Booboobedoo · 20/11/2006 13:49

UQD - do you think all those responses were genuinely full? Or do you think they're just two different ways of looking at the same response.

If I'm hurt and upset, that then makes me angry, and I may well want to 'even things up'(once again, I refer to Ruth in the Archers ).

Maybe it's just that it's more socially acceptable for women to be hurt, and men to be angry.

Or maybe I'm trying to blur the distinctions between the sexes too much.

Have to think about that one...

OP posts:

plibble · 20/11/2006 13:58

It is ridiculous to suggest that men are somehow unable to control themselves and that women are unable to separate sex from love. I've always been able to separate the two perfectly well as have many of my female friends.

The other thing that really irks me is the suggestion (complete myth) that men are somehow rampant, in-need-of-sex-10-times-a-day-types, while women would be happy with a seeing to once a month. Put it this way, I have never heard a man (and I have a lot of male friends) complaining that their girlfriends/wives couldn't keep up with them, but I have heard a lot of my female friends complaining that their partners have a lower sex drive than them. I guess this might be something to do with their ages (since the male libido is said to decline as men age). And how many men omplain loudly about being required to perform when couples are ttc? Lots.

plibble · 20/11/2006 13:59

That should be "complain" of course. Whoops.

UnquietDad · 20/11/2006 14:03

"I have never heard a man (and I have a lot of male friends) complaining that their girlfriends/wives couldn't keep up with them..."

Because they just deal with it by seeing to themselves, probably. Less fuss.

lou33 · 20/11/2006 14:36

women do the same thing you know

UnquietDad · 20/11/2006 14:41

they do???

lou33 · 20/11/2006 14:44

i know, i didnt know how to break it to you gently, sorry...

Rocklover · 20/11/2006 14:50

This is a an intriguing thread and I do agree with what is being said. But surely this also leads to the "men are crap with new baby responsibility" chestnut. Why do we just say to women whose partners suddenly regress to 15 again and try to pretend nothing has changed that this is "normal" and you just have to give them time. Why should we?? As a new mum I certainly was NOT the fount of maternal knowledge as was expected by OH, I just muddled along, but he was a complete twat.

Yes I believe men have all the same emotions (although not the communication skills) that women have and women can separate sex from love just as easily as men, but affairs should not be excused on either side as both sexes are able to understand the potentional hurt to be caused to the other partner. But my point is, generally men and women are "excused" for different things (e,g being a total bitch when due on!!) should we be??? No each situation is unique to each person, please let us make no more excuses for bad behaviour by men OR women.

Sermon over.

Rocklover · 20/11/2006 14:52

However, I do think women are the superior sex!

Pitchounette · 20/11/2006 15:17

Message withdrawn

sleepfinder · 20/11/2006 16:13

I think "people" (i.e. both men and women) cheat because they can, when the opportunity presents itself

and

because they can conceal it afterwards and not be overcome with guilt

This doesn't apply to EVERYONE

I don't want to cheat on my DP, nor will I - but I know from years and years ago, when I have cheated (snogging is cheating) on a boyfriend as a teenager, that I can't handle the guilt afterwards, and so never repeated the act, regardless of the opportunities that presented themselves.

I don't think this is anything to do with programming or even cultural expectations, its about individuals.

joelallie · 20/11/2006 17:11

Plibble - "Put it this way, I have never heard a man (and I have a lot of male friends) complaining that their girlfriends/wives couldn't keep up with them, but I have heard a lot of my female friends complaining that their partners have a lower sex drive than them."

I think a quite survey of this forum would suggest that your experience is quite unusual. Maybe your male friends are less likely to let anyone else know that their sex lives are unsatisfactory. Libido and lots of shagging being a reflection of manliness as we all know . I am 100% certain that DH would never ever in a million years tell his mates that we only do it once a week. Whereas I wouldn't worry in the slightest about sharing that fact with most of my female friends assuming that they were interested...

Pitchounette · 20/11/2006 17:13

Message withdrawn

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