Separating, feel like the worst mother

[nomoremrsniceguy]

OK, I am in the early stages of negotiating separation because I hate the relationship we have been modelling to my DCs, and because of other unreasonable behaviours that I have previously posted about. I don't trust him to consider the DCs emotional well being in all of this, I am worried about how he will talk to them about our split, and how his bitter outlook on life and on out split might affect them. To give a flavour, he has hinted about suicidal feelings now that I am removing the one thing he 'has left'. We are still in the same house as he can't afford to move out. I do shift work so childcare will be a nightmare when he moves out and i don't want my DCs to feel like they are being pushed from pillar to post because of my working hours. Has anyone got any advice about managing shift work and/or protecting the kids from the emotional fallout?

I would suggest you go to your GP and tell him you feel vulnerable with a partner who is hinting at suicide.

(And tell him to do so too with his own GP).

Either it's emotional blackmail or you and your family are in real danger of "removing the one thing he has left".

Please keep posting. I'm sure much wiser people will come on here to help you

It's funny, til you said that I hadn't taken him at all seriously about the suicide hints, I just took it as another illustration of how bitter /dramatic/unreasonable/self absorbed/controlling person he is. Now you've got me thinking.

Normally suicide threats are part of the emotional abuse.

Tell him to speak to his GP.

You are doing the right thing, although it is terribly hard. None of it is your fault, OP.

You cannot stay with someone because they threaten suicide if you leave, you know that already. No matter whether these threats are serious or not, you have to do the best for you & your children & he has to forge ahead with his own life, you simply cannot be responsible for someone's emotional stability in this way. If your instinct is that its a controlling tactic or similar then trust your instincts, you know him better than any of us on here & your instincts will usually be correct.

I haven't seen your previous posts so don't know the history, but from your OP then his unreasonable behaviour is grounds enough to leave, if he's not happy with how his life has turned out then its up to him to change.

midnight
I have changed my username due to shame at what I have been putting up with and allowing to happen in my own home, never mind the potential effect on my DCs. I don't really take the suicide threats seriously, and he wouldn't go to the GP. He is completely against anti-depressants and has had counselling via the GP fairly recently. I think I am more concerned about how his emotional fuckwittery will impact on the kids, as his elder son has anxiety problems which I put down to the way my (X)DH behaves.

You sound like a very caring mother. Yes his negativity might have an impact on the kids, you might be able to use his mental state as a reason to withhold time he has with them, you must see a solicitor and find out what your rights are, he could easily move out, a room in a flat is not that expensive, he wont budge, so it's up to you to do all the hard work, will be worth it in the long run I'm sure.

He sounds a complete drain, even at this stage he is still putting his own needs over his own kids.

I have changed my username due to shame at what I have been putting up with and allowing to happen in my own home,

Oh bless you OP, the shame is not yours & you are not some kind of dictator who controls everything that happens in your home :) you are not in control of his behaviour so do not feel responsible for it, you have not allowed it to happen, its happening in spite of you & all you can do is deal with it from hereon in.

I'm not sure whether you're married but it might be worth seeing a solicitor or the CAB to find out what will happen to joint assets, access & child maintenance. Even though he can't afford to move out, legal advice on this point about his right to stay in the house would be good.

Thanks midnight & Jan . Yes we are married, but there is no profit from the house to consider, and no other joint assets as we have bought in an area with flat prices. So I am thinking I should just take over the mortgage myself, as I can just about afford it, although it will be hard it will be worth it. I don't see how he's going to be able to argue that one - it was my large deposit that enabled us to buy the house as he had nothing, he has only put in half the mortgage, and nothing at all for the last 6 months. Child maintenance will be a different matter as he currently only works part time; he lost his job last year and hasn't been able to get anything else (he has tried). I suppose he will see it as kicking him while he's down, but I really have had enough.

You sound a very capable and lovely lady, good luck.