A lot of you will know the problems me and DP have been having. He is in the spare room and we are to all intents and purposes, estranged. We muddle along but it occasionally blows up to the point where we worry about DS. DP doesn't want to move out and we couldn't afford to stay in the house if he did. There is a lot of resentment between us at the minute, each feeling aggrieved and him not being prepared to take half the responsibility for our predicament. He is off Tramadol but still taking codeine and hasn?t addressed any of the reasons he was self medicating in the first place and feels betrayed and humiliated that I asked his close friends and family for help; which I did to force the issue as I felt he was being manipulative, telling all of us different stories and I?d also just had enough of trying to deal with it alone basically. The consequence of this is that at the moment neither of us either trusts or likes the other but somewhere in the back of our minds is the idea that if we can battle thorough this moment in our relationship we can find a route back to falling in love again; or al least being open to the possibility ? but we both are agreed that it is not possible at the moment.
I had DS 2 years ago and he's still not in nursery though I do think he is ready to go and would get a lot out of it now. Our long term plans (before all the acrimony) were for me to go back to university and do a PhD part time, work part time and at some point have another baby. DP would take 90% responsibility for the bills but the timing was that by the time the 2nd baby was 2 I'd be fully qualified and able to contribute at least as much as he is now.
Basically, we had another fight the other day and I He is finding the weight of financial responsibility too much, especially since we recently bought a house and our monthly expenditure has shot up at the same time that his career has hit a rough spot. This is something that he has never admitted. Every time I have asked him what he wants from me he says he just wants me to be more grateful ? by which he means not to challenge him about anything, which is hard as I know he is still in denial about his painkiller addiction; it?s a big deal to me, but he tells me it?s not. I don?t know if it is or it isn?t anymore frankly, but I am still angry at the lies he told to protect himself at both mine and DS?s expense.
I spoke to his sister the other day and suggested that perhaps I postpone my PhD until DS is in school in a year and a half?s time and work full time. I won?t be able to earn as much as him, I have a good degree but it doesn?t get you far these days which is why I wanted to study further. I?ll be able to get a job as a secretary or something quickly and take 50% responsibility with him.
He is fine with this in principle but he?s said that I will have to be doing this for 3 months to prove my good intentions to him and then we can go to relate and begin to sort out the problems between us ? problems I?m not even sure I want to, especially when he acts like this. One of the main problems between us is that he is always trying to railroad me into doing what he wants and I instinctively resist it.
I feel that I?ve made a big compromise but he is still trying to prosecute his resentment about things by imposing all kinds of rules (there are more I just can?t be bothered to write them all down; childish things like I can?t ask him for a lift anywhere) ? I know he only does this when he?s angry but it makes any conciliatory gesture very hard to sustain.
God, you?ll all think I?m mad?