Dating a guy and can't figure him out,AIBU

[Icandoanything]

I've been seeing this guy now for just under a month and we've been on about 5 dates so far. I really like spending time with him and he seems great. There are a few issues that are now starting to arise and I wanted to see what people thought.

1. He's just come out of a 13 year relationship and was married for 2 years to this person. They were each other first boyfriend and girlfriend and he's only ever slept with one other person. That's fine. However,his wife had an illness which meant they had to take it slow in the sack. Again,fine. I'm used to it a little bit differently but we both seem on board for compromise. We then revealed to me last night that he and his wife only had sex 3 times during the entirety of their 13 year relationship as she found it so painful. I was a little bit shocked by this,more that he entered a marriage in his late 20s knowing sex wasn't on the agenda,but I could see it was a massive step for him to tell me,so didn't question him further on it. So due to this issue,he claimed he's got very used to "taking care of himself" sexually. However,when we were getting intimate the other night and I was using my mouth on him, it appeared to have the opposite effect,as did my further use of my hands.
   

Now,I would have thought that after 13 years of masturbating would make someone else's touch more appealing,not less! That led onto me thinking that he possibly could have a low sex drive.

This also leads onto other things such as,I feel I'm instigating 70% of the moves,kissing,flirting and anything else. Example,we were out watching a band last night,and i was doing the typical flirty thing of putting my hand on his arm when talking,brushing my leg up against him,and there was pretty much no reciprocation. We haven't had sex yet as I realise he is quite overwhelmed by this new turn of events in his life and I don't want to scare off what could be a good thing,if I give it time,but I'm starting to get frustrated with it. I feel like I'm the one pouncing on him all the time,which he says he likes,but his actions show different.

I don't know,I suppose after writing all this down it seems clear we may be imcompatible but I really like the guy.

[Everythinghaschanged]

I might give the sex one or two dates more to see if he relaxes and a sex drive materialises.

However I would be more worried that he's not flirting or kissing or touching. He should be showing his interest in you by doing that naturally. Flirting by yourself on a night out is humiliating.

[Handywoman]

I think your instincts are telling you something, OP, the history of his sexless marriage may say as much about his own issues or hangups/dysfunction. Too soon to tell, maybe, but I would maybe give it another month or two for him to relax. If this doesn't happen I would bail out.

But if you were looking for a summer fling I would probably only give it another couple of weeks.

Oh and it is absolutely possible to find a lovely guy and enjoy a wonderful sex life with them. The two are definitely not mutually exclusive!

[FrizzyPig]

Maybe he's gay?

[Icandoanything]

Thanks everyone,I think that's whats going to happen. He's coming over tonight so will see what materialises. Thing is,do you know what kind of a sex drive you have if you've never really had the opportunity for regular sex?

[Glitoris]

He sounds asexual,which would explain why he was drawn to a sexless marriage in the first place.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

Yes, you do, because once given the opportunity, you leap at it! For some reason you seem to be looking for reasons and excuses for his behaviour, the thing is, you are five dates in, not in love, and he seems to have a lot of issues (self-esteem/overweight/passive/ED or at least lack of interest)- what's your motivation for continuing with this, beyond him being nice and interesting (which is hardly unique)? You also say you only felt sparks on the third kiss. Honestly, I just wouldn't bother if I didn't feel immediate sparks on kissing. You seem to be carrying on in the face of some quite off-putting features and a lack of physical interest in you- why is this?

[AnyFucker]

I think settling for someone like this, where there are massive disparities wrt to drive and attitude towards sex, is how sexless relationships start

you have been warned

[Icandoanything]

I'm continuing,because I've been on 5 dates with the guy,really enjoy his company and am attracted to him. Yes,he has his baggage but so do I (single mum, out of a pretty damaging relationship for over a year but still healing). We like the same kinds of of things, he's a great kisser, treats me well (so far). So many many positives. We've got close to being intimate twice and the first time was terrible. But I thought I'd give it another go,and on Friday,it was much better. He and I seem to have been polar opposites in relation to sex with our last partners and that takes a little bit of time to get used to someone elses style. I have things I like,but that doesn't mean Im not going to like what he can offer and vice versa.

I just think,that at the age of 34,I firmly believe the days of meeting someone who is pretty near perfect in every way is prob not going to happen. I've fallen in love and list enough times but now,having an impressionable 6 year old boy,I view men differently to how I would have before. And tbh,whilst my ex was the best sex I've ever had,even he got boring after a while,and I stayed with him for 6 years, and he offered me practically nothing in the way of emotional,financial support or anything else for that matter!

I also feel that considering I've binned guys after the first kiss,I thought I'd try a different approach,give someone more of a chance than I would have done in my 20s if the first kiss wasnt fireworks.

But you're dead right on the sex thing,and there's no way I'm going down the road of getting into something with him if the sex drive isn't there. As I said,done that before,not doing it againm. And it is at the back of my mind as some of the stuff happening with this guy is very similar to what was happening with the first low sex drive guy.

Anyway,will see how tonight goes,then on away on holiday for a week,so you never know what may grow with absence!

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Good luck tonight.

[Handywoman]

I hear you, OP, with your reasons. New partners do take some getting used to.

Hope tonight is another improvement. Please report back !!

[Icandoanything]

Ha ha,I will! Unless we're busy....

[AnyFucker]

I think you do get a "feel" for how a sexual relationship is going to go after only a few dates

he should be like a rat up a drainpipe demonstrating much more physical chemistry with you than this at this stage

[circleskirt]

"Rat up a drainpipe" Now there's an image I could do without on a quiet Sunday afternoon.

[firesidechat]

It still seems like you're buying into the whole bad guy = great sex, nice guy = mediocre sex. A few people have already said on this thread that it may be your experience so far, but it doesn't have to be in the future. I'm happy to add my voice to those posters. My husband is a thoroughly decent, lovely man and I have no complaints about our love life.

By all means give this man a chance (not that you need my permission) and I hope it works out for you both.

[AnyFucker]

yep, I can offer a bloke too

[dressinggownrubes]

Another one chiming in with "beware" here. From experience.

My experience with men with issues in the bedroom is that it wasn't that I'm some lust-driven horny bitch and it's simply a matter of differing levels of sexual need, but the issues there were symptomatic of much bigger issues with intimacy and trust. Fixer-uppers are not good news.

I agree the "only had sex three times due to HER issues" sounds like a line. The problem isn't the ED (you sound lovely and would probably want to work things through): it's that he is already creating this massive lie/back-story about the situation.

Also, it's weird and passive-aggressive and withholding not to reciprocate with PDAs (ok he doesn't need to do exactly the same to you, but just standing there like a lemon ignoring his new date being affectionate and making her feel like she's some randy pervert?) Someone's self-esteem will be on the floor if you continue dating him, and it won't be his....

[ImperialBlether]

Umm AF, are you offering him around? Is he prepared to travel?

[Jan45]

Wouldn't be for me, he sounds like has serious issues around sex, you are already feeling shit at having to instigate any kind of contact, not all contact has to lead to full sex, it's called showing affection and being flirty and horny, I don't get how he cant feel that especially when you've only been dating a month.

It would put me right off tbh and I'd probably have to move on but, if you want to stick around then go ahead, it might work itself out in the end, just sounds like hard work to me.

[AnyFucker]

he's good to go, IB

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

sounds to me like he is still married, I have been married 13 years he was my first, I have an illness. oh what a coincidence.

[Icandoanything]

Just an update for anyone who may be interested. Basically, the guy admitted he isnt overly keen on sex and that he thinks we have different sex drives. I said at the start of a relationship,it was normal to be at it a lot,that's been my previous experience, then it naturally drops. But that's the Crux of it,so not a good match, once again!

[GotToFTFO]

Yep don't settle you know you won't get what you need from him even if he does tick a few boxes.

I had a relationship like this and it is quite damaging to your self esteem.