I want advice from a cheater!?!

[TurnBackTime25]

I have posted on here a gazillion times. At the moment I'm really struggling with life. Years ago I cheated on my partner,I had an emotional affair & met this other guy (no sex involved)...I ended it with him when I realised what an idiot I had been. Last October I told my partner the truth as I couldn't live with the guilt. To this day I'm still no better, he says I'm worse if anything since I told him as I can't go for romantic meals, a night out (without me arranging it) panics me & the thought of a night away or holiday panics me like it used to. Im not sure if it was cause when he didn't know I could brush it off more if I felt nervous etc now he knows I feel awful for still panicking etc? Just wanted to know how you deal with the guilt. When we get on its amazing but the slightest thing can throw me off track & bring it back up again. I can't go on much more like this. If we were to split up yes it may take away some anxiety but I would never ever forgive myself x

I relive feelings of guilt occasionally but i know that I have to take responsibility for my past actions and not seek to evade these feelings. I remained on good terms with both ex partners and helped out one when he needed accommodation at short notice and was in contact online with another on FB for a while. I think all you can do is make it clear you'd always be there for the person if they needed support as a way of trying to make up for the betrayal (if you do split up).

I do wonder Op if you really want to be in this relationship any more. Many people cheat to exit a unhappy relationship. That can backfire if they forgive you and your then expected to work on things. I really do query your reasons for telling him this after several years. How do you honestly feel about him now ? Many cheaters lose all respect for the people they betray , especially if they are willing to continue the relationship at any cost.

I really think you need to be honest with yourself about this .

It's still all about you isn't it, telling him was about you and your wobbles are, again, all about you. The affair might have been a one off but really, is the preoccupation with yourself really out of character? I think you believe that your self loathing makes you the real victim of your actions and your so called remorse is just another 'look at me, see how I suffer' act to keep the attention firmly on yourself.

I don't think you're necessarily a 'bad' person but I get the impression that your personality makes it very difficult for you to see past your own feelings.

DorisDazzler - I dont pity him or anything for forgiving me. I coped more living with it in day to day life but the reason I told him was because we were away on holiday & the anxiety was too much. The reason I didnt tell him for so long was because not one single person advised me to even though I felt it was wrong. Dont get me wrong I do make effort & sometimes will suggest a meal or something when I feel okay anout it, I suppose I like to be in control of it to calm my anxiety. I know I come across selfish completely & I do believe it or not think about his feelings but I think sometimes I wallow in ny own self pity when it hits a bad patch.

Isetan-Yes it is completely out of my character, when I told friends or family some would laugh cause they couldnt take it serious. I know im not a bad person but can honestly say in this situation I do tend to put my feelings first. Dont get me wrong I do sit there ar times & feel awful for any hurt ive caused etc & I probably always will x

Why did you tell friends or family ? I find it very hard to believe that they would laugh about it. Is that really true ?

You didn't need other people's approval to tell him sooner. Using that as a excuse for not telling him sooner is again dodging responsibility. How humiliating for him that everyone knew.

Do you really want to be with him ?

Yes I do want to be with him, if I didnt I would of walked away ages ago believe me. Dont get me wrong I have days, months when I dont really think about it all im saying it the odd blib brings it all back up. Im starting CBT tomorrow so hopefully it will help, its only whos making the relationship not work cause my anxiety in certain situations thats all,just wonderd if it was normal to still feel bad & is it still early days & takes time thats all? I found out on Saturday last week I was pregnant & I wonder if it could be a fresh start but at the moment he says he doesnt want it because of the way I am? Which is understandable ?

It sounds to me like there are lots more issues here which are not due to your infidelity.

You are pregnant and he doesn't want it, you have anxiety? Maybe your relationship isn't that great at all and it is nothing to do with you cheating. But you are blaming yourself for this when it isn't your fault.

It IS early days , but for him , not you. You've known for a long time. He's the one who will have extremely painful triggers , mind movies and intrusive thoughts. You say things like to this day I'm still no better , it brings it all back up , it still throws me. Why would anything about you throw you ? People dont get thrown by their own behaviour.You were there and you know you did it. You really seem to have taken on the role of the betrayed spouse . You use exactly the same language and seem to suggest that going out and holidays is triggering for you. These are things that your partner will feel , and is entitled to feel. Yet you claim to be feeling them.

I'm going to be brutally honest. My experience is that affairs are highly enjoyable. If they weren't people wouldn't engage in them. The love story is intoxicating and the sex is fantastic. The feeling of being alive and desired is addictive. Many people DON'T regret them, they regret getting caught or regret the consequences. Many people remember the affair partner fondly . If I remember correctly I think you said you fell for the om. I cannot see what about your affair was negative for you, or why you claim it causes you so much distress to think about it. Are you saying you didn't find it an exhilarating positive experience ?

Whether you mean to or not , it sounds like the outcome is that your partner doesn't mention it , and has to tiptoe round you and make sure he doesn't upset you. This is an entire role reversal where you are the victim. There's something very wrong and extremely unhealthy about that.

He has openly said it doesnt bother him at all now, he doesnt worry or get anxious about anything & srill completely trusts me. The only reason I think I get anxious about situations is because I used to before I told him & ive drilled it into my mind so much that I will again. Dont get me wronf when i did cheat etc i felt amazing but you soin realise it isnt reality. I think I need to step away from this site for now as I think im coming across on here very selfish when infact jm not. I do an awful lot to make his lifehappy, jm very affectionaye & constalt tell him i love him. I dont mind anyone being honest at all but i think sometimes things on here get read & peoples answers make you more unsure of youself when in reality it may not be that big. I think i need to stop asking opinions & just sort it myself. But thanks for all the advice. Much appreciated x

Your partner is either not being honest or has emotionally recovered incredibly quickly in just ten months. I've had an experience of being cheated on , it was a one time incident and could be considered very minor. That was several years ago and it still hurts. I am not paranoid nor suspicious but I would not say I completely trust him. I'm not sure I ever will and that seems a common reaction.

Good luck Op. I hope you get sorted out.

Your affair may be out of character but the preoccupation with your needs, to the exclusion of the needs of others, may not be. The whole canvassing of family and friends just seems odd and another example of your preoccupation and almost pathological need, for you and your needs to be the centre of things I get the distinct impression that your affair and the ensuing self flagellation is just another example of this preoccupation.

I agree with Isetan and DorisDazzler.

You have almost created chaos in your life, and then adopted the position of a victim.

Your latest post says it all, really...it was a big deal. Nothing anyone else says will make it a bigger deal, unless you are minimising in your head.

I can't believe how judgy and nasty some of these replies are. Just because it happened to you, doesn't mean you can assume how the op is feeling or what their actions mean.

Op I hope the Cbt works out for you. It sounds like you are remorseful but something is stopping you from moving on. Like some of the others have said, it could be something even deeper rooted.

It sounds like you are giving yourself hell right now and remember to be kind to yourself. You haven't murdered anyone and I think it's very clear you made a mistake. Since your husband has forgiven you, who gives a fig about how anyone else judges you
Good luck with your counselling.

I wonder if you're replacing regret with guilt? That you wish you had in your marriage what you had in your fling and consequently are subconsciously punishing your inadequate partner?

SapphireStars- Thank you so much. I do agree, you have no idea of my actual feelings or actions & it probably doesnt come across the best on here. My CBT starts at 12 today so I hope it does work, I have tried everything but I think I need a different way at looking at things maybe?

Friedgreenpajamas- At the very beginning, maybe. But now not in the slightest at all, I could of continued to speak to the person, I had no chancd of getting caught etc but I chose not to. Sometimes it CAN open your eyes up to what you had/have & sometimes maybe thats why people feel guilt. X