How to rebuild trust?

[Duggee]

Dh and I have been married 7.5 years. He's a wonderful father, honest, great partner etc. We rarely argue and would say we have a good marriage.

Last week we had an argument. Dh done something out of character and I wanted to talk about it. I waited to the children were in bed to raise the subject and he completely blanked me and refused to talk. I started to feel frustrated as I was confused as to why he though not talking was ok! He went to bed and I sat downstairs stewing. So I rang a friend to talk about it. Dh came down, realised I was talking and all hell broke lose. He started getting really worked up about the fact I'd broken trust and told a friend about what happened. He was angry for about half an hour steaming with anger. He ripped his clothes off his back trashed my phone and slapped me and grabbed my face in separate episodes over the half an hour. I was petrified, it was so out of character. After he claimed down properly 2 hours later he was so so remorseful. Said he's damaged our relationship and hoped I could forgive him.

I'm still feeling afraid and he's tried to initiate sex and I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I don't know how to build the trust again.

what banana said. with bells on

the next time it happens you will convince yourself that it was your behaviour that caused his violent outburst.

tell me something OP, have you discussed this on the phone with your friend?

will you be more careful in future with your telephone calls and who is in earshot?

It's an incident of abusive behaviour, not a pattern yet.

What was the original transgression? Why was he so keen not to discuss it or for you to discuss with others?

I believe at the very least he should be sleeping elsewhere if not living elsewhere while he seeks support to address his behaviour.

tell me something OP, have you discussed this on the phone with your friend? will you be more careful in future with your telephone calls and who is in earshot?

Damn right. I bet you're already modifying your behaviour unconsciously to make sure you don't set him off again. That's what abusers do to you.

I'm so sorry that you are being put through this OP . Are you OK?

Thanks. I'm feeling sad because things have changed and I want for the sake of the children for this to all go away. Hes going to get help. He's rung the respect helpline but they are closed today and he will ring on Monday morning. For the sake of the children too I have to at least try and make this better. They love their daddy so much, it would be deviating for them for me to give up.

*devastating

For the sake of the children too I have to at least try and make this better

For the sake of the children he has to make damn sure he never loses it with them the way he lost it with you and he's the one that has to regain your trust.

It sounds as if he's got you apologising for having talked to your friend when he wouldn't talk to you. What was this "something out of character" he did which had you confiding in her?

You're still focusing on you making it better and you rebuilding trust. It's him that had to do all of that.

The very best thing you can do for your kids is show them what an equal, happy, respectful and trusting relationship looks like. Better to show them an independent Mum than a crap, abusive marriage that will mess with their heads.
All abusers start with the first slap/punch. It's a huge line crossed. I think you should tell him to leave while you decide what to do next. If he refuses, get the police involved.