Has anyone's DP/ DH had a nervous breakdown? How do you survive?

[feelinblue]

I'm having a really hard time & could do with some help

At the beginning of the year, DH had a nervous breakdown. He said he couldn't cope with our relationship which was a complete surprise to me as I thought we were very happily married. Of course, we had the occasional argument, usually about me needing more help or him working too much (120 hrs a week sometimes) but nothing major and not very often. At the time, we had a young baby - he's now 15 months old.

Since then, DH has been very depressed, sometimes a little manic and at other times suicidal. He slept on the sofa after telling me how he felt and then moved out over the summer. He sees DS a couple of times a week for an hour or so each time. When he visits, he often just sits in a corner and cries. I hate seeing him like this. I have tried to be supportive and comfort him and be here for him, but he just pushes me away.

I don't understand. When I ask for more info, he says is like an empty shell & doesn't know how he feels. He knows we'll have to get divorced if he doesn't love me and he is devastated at the idea of losing frequent contact with DS.

I just don't know what to do. How can I be supportive of him when I feel so angry that he has left me to raise our son? I want to help him. I want him to be ok and I desperately want him back but I don't know if that's possible - I can't make him love me.

I have suggested Relate etc but he refuses to go.

I know it's late and I don't really expect anyone to be around, I think I just needed to vent a bit. I was really wondering if anyone else has been through this & how things worked out.

Hi there. Sorry that you're having such a hard time at the moment. May I suggest that you go and see a counsellor. The help doesn't just have to be for your DH. He's put a lot on you too. I know as my H has had an affair and I"ve been bringing up our two boys single handed and it's hard work. Your H sounds like he couldn't cope with having to share you with your DS. There may be something at work he's not telling you about. My H also got really depressed, sadly he worked through this with the women he was having the affair with. Your H really needs to seek professional help and fast. More than just relate. psychological help to get him out of this dark hole he finds himself in at present. You're far from alone in having these issues. Just wanted to let you know that there's someone here even if I cannot be much concrete help.

Hi
You are not alone, my H has left me with 4 kids and i think he is having a sort of breakdown. Do you know if there is any other reason for this like the other person mine was having an affair. He was caught and now feels he has wrecked so many lives. He is an empty shell at the moment and like you i feel i cant make him love me.
I have been told to get him to see a Dr but he refuses, although we have been to see a councillor and it helped (for a while).
I have had depression too in the past and it really is a very dark place to be. It may just be time, but i suspect there is another reason for this. Work is a big part does he usually tell you about it - is it going ok?
I am now finding out that men think very differntly to us and can shut emmotions away in boxes for a long time and can seem to be functioning normally.
You need to get him to talk to someone about what is going on. Has he got any friends that have noticed a change?
Take care of yourself at this time though and you keep talking it through.

My father, a psychiatrist treated people like him for 50 years. Wha I think he often did was see both parties in the couple. There'd be 30 minutes with the patient and then the spouse called in. It definitely helped the treatment, although most of them were still living totether. You can't treat the sick person without their other half. My brother is also a psychiatrist and he always tries to use both psychiatric drugs and therapy, both together seems the best combination. This is not anything to do with Relate. It's about mental illness. Do you even know what psychiatrist he's seeing? Is he taking his medicine?

I was in a relationship where my ex partner had a breakdown and was hospitalised. I was in the better position that it was purely a relationship, there were no kids involved and I didn't love him enough to support him through it so we split up. I was lucky enough to have free counselling offered through my employment and I used a few sessions of that to get through it.

You must be coping brilliantly for looking after your son and trying to be supportive to him. It is so difficult becaus if you are like me you feel angry towards them but also guilty because as it is a mental illness it is not his fault.

I don't have much in the way of practical suggestions, maybe if you google there may be support groups or threads for people in your situation, I believe it is more common than people think. Also whilst you can try to push your DH in the direction of his doctor, I think you have to put yourself and your son first, maybe counselling could help you as well.

I hope it all works out for you.

feelinblue he does sound as though he is expereincing quite significant mental health problems. Is he receiving psychiatric care for these?

Just thought I might be able to offer a bit of insight from the otehr side.

I had a breakdown several years ago and when you are severely depressed it is virtually impossible to relate properly to anyone, especially people that you love. It's like..you don;t have any normal feelings about anything anymore.

I was living with DH (then DP) and we had no children, so I moved out and lived back with my parents for about 6 months.

It was only when I recovered sufficiently from my depression that I was able to start thinking about getting back together with DH.

120 hours is an awful lot of hours to be working - was his breakdown related to work?

It sounds as if he is still really severely depressed - what treatment is he having?

Thanks everyone. Most days I put on a brave face & can get by but sometimes this all gets on top of me. I really appreciate your responses. In answer to your questions:

I really have no idea what caused this. I don't think he's having an affair. As far as I know, work was going well for DH before this happened. He enjoyed his job, worked hard but liked to spend time with his family too. He began working those hours after all this began - he said it made him feel safe and was something he was good at. I respected that because I wanted him to be safe too. So many nights I had sat up waiting for him to come home while he wandered the streets until dawn, trying to clear his head.

He has been seeing a pyschiatrist for about 6 month and was taking anti-depressants in addition to therapy once every couple of weeks. I know they made him feel ill (nauseous & helped him sleep but he had terrible nightmares so didn't want to sleep) and the dosage was altered. I think he has been put on something else now but I have no idea what. He wants to be better so I think he's taking the drugs but he says nothing helps. I wish I could talk to his psychiatrist but it seems to be very much between H & the dr. I'm really not able to be involved at all.

I feel very confused about it all - I love him and want him back and, more than that, I want him to be happy (with or without me) but I am so angry at him too. I wish I felt more comapssionate.

I'm sorry that others are going through similar times - I really appreciate your help. It was interesting to hear it from the other side too, Frayedknot, so thank you.

Hi
Know how you are feeling wnating him to be happy with or without you. Are you scared to make the descion for him and make yourself happy. I think that is what i am doing. Hy h is obviously v confussed but wants to go to the councilling (in fact everything i suggest he says lets run it by her first). Its like we cant talk to each other at all. I think he is afraid to hurt me any more but that is impossible.
Hang on in there though it is a very loney place depession and if you get through all this he will thank you. I had depression and just the fact that my H was there was enough but i was awful to live with.

Do you know if he is being seen by a CPN?

I don;t know if it is possible but you might be able to speak to your CPN abut your concerns. have you spoken to your GP about it at all? It might be worth asking.

Obviously there will be confidentiality issues if they are actually seeing your DH but it might be helpful to speak to someone who can explain more about depression, the treatment and stuff?

I think I'm scared to make a decision because I just don't know what the right one is. We can't talk to each other either, hurtwife - our conversations always end up with both of us in tears or shouting at each other.

Frayedknot, what is a CPN? I don't know if he's seen one. I haven't talked to my GP. Maybe I should. I know a bit about depression - I suffered with it many years ago but it seems so much harder to deal with H's than it did my own. I don't know if that makes sense - it's just so hard to see how awful he feels and not be able to help, at the same time as feeling very let down & miserable myself. It's all such a mess.

feelinblue, I know I have said it before but I really think that you would benefit from going to a counsellor.

I found that it really helped to be able to discuss my situation with someone who was impartial and also had the time to listen.

I ended up only going twice as deep down I knew the decision I wanted to make, but didn't want to admit it to myself and the counselling really helped me to gather up my thoughts.

Your work may offer a scheme, some private employers do, if not hopefully your doctor could point you in the right direction.

I'm sure you have a lot on your plate, but I think this could really help you.