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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

in-laws - why do we bother?

18 replies

trying2bgood · 18/11/2006 21:52

Hello, just letting off some steam. Saw my in-laws today and the first thing my FIL said to me was not how are you or how are my grandchildren BUT he asked me how his OWN daughter was? WTF? She was sitting across the room. My dd2 has had a bad cold over the last two weeks and he never asked about her at all, spent no time with them or anything. My MIL was surprised to learn dd2 had been ill, I told her FIL knew but she said he said nothing to her about it! At another function he danced with our cousin's baby rather than his own grandchildren, why? Because the man loves to show other people how lovely he is blah blah blah. Sorry for the rant, it just drives me crazy and then he gets annoyed when the grandchildren prefer others to him!!!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

trying2bgood · 18/11/2006 22:28

No one else want to moan about the in-laws?

Nevermind.........

OP posts:

lulumama · 18/11/2006 22:31

sorry,,,have been busy at the online meet up...have a ((hug))

families often do odd and hurtful things......try not to let it eat you up...xx

fireflyxmasfairylights2 · 18/11/2006 22:31

I used to hate mine, Now I look on them as DH's parents and I must try to make an effort with them. Anyway, part of the problem with mine was the way I acted... do you think you maybe give out vibes that you don't like them and they pick up on it?

Anyway, I changed my attitude and now I can see far clearer that it was me that was making them feel unwanted etc..

Original poster

trying2bgood · 18/11/2006 22:36

Don't think so as get on quite well with MIL, just FIL who I have probs with although have never argued with him or even had cross words. They are not really a family that does much shouting, so things just bubble other the surface.

But yes will try to make more of an effort, because at the end of the day don't want to make life hard for DH.

Breathe...............

Thanks y'all

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threebob · 18/11/2006 22:42

Smile and wave, smile and wave.

He can only be hurtful if you let him hurt you.

notagrannyyet · 18/11/2006 22:44

My FIL never acknowledged my DC if I was in the same room..... He disliked me because I was the only person within the family who dare critise his racist/homophobic/extreme rightwing views.
He was the chair of governors at the school my DC attended and I was livid when I found out he could use this role to obsereve/chat with my DC in school. MIL would then report back to DH that our children 'got their brains' from his side of the family.

autumnlover · 18/11/2006 22:47

you are definitely not alone!!! i'm too tired to start on my in-laws and i'm having them stay over xmas!!

poor dh just has me moaning to him for ages when they stress me out.

good luck.... i feel my in-laws see their grandchildren are children to been seen & admired but never to get involved or help out in any way or form. even once said that grandson was too heavy to hold (and it was her first time of holding him)... they are all too weird for me

joanna4 · 18/11/2006 23:44

I dare not we would be here all night!!
jo

bottomlessburp · 19/11/2006 00:45

tryingtobegood- i have had my inlaws 10 years and thought they were fine.recently FIL under stress wuth other son and SIL and took it out on DH and I.out of nowhere all sorts of horrible things were said about me, my family and DD.they live 1 mile away but see DD once a month max.we have a very welcoming house and lots of friends, other family visit regularly but they are just lazy and embarressed that it is so obvious.i have been v.sad about it but then today had a REVELATION.......i am going to choose in laws old peoples home, only the one which is the closest to our house (so more obvious when i never visit) and smells the most of wee will do. i was cackling so much when i thought of this that DH was a bit worried, everyone in their family thinks i am so nice and dependable but they have ate their last birthday cake!i feel so much better that ultimately i will get my revenge!!!!!

Original poster

trying2bgood · 19/11/2006 10:02

LOL - Bottom, what a great thought! Yes overnight have also decided that you cannot change someone. If FIL chooses not to put the effort in then my dds will not want to know him when they get older! That will be his problem not mine!

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Original poster

trying2bgood · 19/11/2006 10:03

All others - it is sad that in-laws can be like this. When my girls get married I plan to be a supernice MIL!

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threebob · 20/11/2006 17:44

Am putting my smile and wave advice to the test after MIL told ds that "dead people lie in bed with Jesus".

This one's proving hard.

runnyhabbit · 20/11/2006 19:47

Why do we bother - because they must have done something right for us to fall in love with their ds!

Seriously, the reason I bother is that they are dh parents, and ds grandparents. I'm lucky that they have never done anything as extreme (and nasty) as some I've read. I don't understand their ways or logic, but their heart is in the right place.

joanna4 · 20/11/2006 19:58

Despite some very shifty goings on this year I have extended the hand of familiness for boxing day.I have made it clear this is a once only offer for this xmas and if it is once again sabotaged by my bro in law for his plans there will be no working round it and the offer will become null and void.I can do no more than that I have done it purely because they are my dh folks and my childrens grandparents.They are it sounded very relieved to have had an invite anywhere.

petunia · 21/11/2006 12:05

I had to endure a visit from my ILs and DHs sister at the weekend. MIL was the only one to say a "hello" to me, FIL didn't say a single thing to me the whole visit and left without saying "goodbye". He treats me as the incubator of his grandchildren (who he doesn't speak to while he's here anyway) who stole his son. Luckily, I'm not going to see him in 3 weeks time when it's his 80th birthday, DHs going by himself. I'm getting the house ready for Christmas . More important and a far nicer thing to do!

joelallie · 21/11/2006 12:32

I don't think we have any choice do we? Unless you partner is also happy to cut them out of their lives, you have to bother.

minesadouble · 23/11/2006 07:36

Hi, at the bottom of the page comes my little contribution. Im sure others have been through this before, it's a case of omg I need help with this and fast. My Mother and father-in-law have been in my life best part of 6 half years.

Everything was sort of tolerable until I had another son 2 years ago when I unfortunately suffered a short spell of PND. MIL just didn't even try to understnd what her son and I were going through and to be honest she always tried to control me.

One day I woke up and decided Id had enuf of her violent outbursts toward me and just stopped visiting. She always protected her son frm 'being hurt' Because his previous marriage went down the pan(wonder why) Lately though I sent an email about how I felt because Im terrified of her and have outlined all my fears and been honest.

Problem is they want to come down for weekend and see me to talk this through but Im terrified of her. Dont know what to do. Any ideas?

hertsnessex · 23/11/2006 12:40

y are you 'terrified' of her??

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