I feel like I am getting dating very wrong and putting men off me

[heartofascorpio]

I have absolutely no problem attracting men but I seem to be in a cycle with dating which goes alone these lines...

We meet (usually through online dating or at the pub or something) and he likes me, is very full on, very much pestering me for a date. He's texting daily..."good morning" and "goodnight" and wanting to know everything about me, wanting to bend over backwards to meet me, talk to me etc.

I am always reluctant at first because I am not great with strangers. So I take a little while to get to know them. Sometimes over a few dates, sometimes over phonecalls. As I get to know them sometimes my interest in them grows and so a reciprocal attraction slowly begins.

After the first date they almost always want to see me again, and quite quickly, and they continue being very much smitten and I quite enjoy that bit obviously. If the feeling is mutual, then I become genuinely interested in them too.

The very moment this happens, usually after 2 - 3 dates and a lot of chat where I feel some sense of intimacy developing, they suddenly cool off like the ice freezer has been switched on. I suddenly notice they are logging onto their dating profile to keep their options open again. I notice the messages dwindle off. I'm not having sex with them, so it's not that.

They generally still want to see me, but suddenly have less time, and I very much feel the cooling off and this by turn puts me right off and I feel rejected and depressed.

I'm mid thirties, and dating in my teens and twenties was nothing like this. Back then, you liked each other, no one blew hot or cold you just saw each other and it was straight forward.

I find myself feeling like I am doing something wrong here, and I probably am by not following the "rules", but I also feel like my self esteem is getting a bit batterred and I am not feeling like a strong and confident woman.

I have been single a while now...heaps of dates and a few short term relationships but 18 months properly "single" and I really miss intimacy, cuddles, sex.

I am attractive, well educated, have plenty of friends and an amazing life but none of these men really want to be with me. I am not sure if I am not palying hard enough to get, if they are all just a band of ass clowns or if I am walking away too quickly before giving them a chance to get to know me.

I am in a situation with a current man. Just had third date and a lot of chat and getting to know each other and suddenly the frost is on. Our date at the weekend he "hasnt thought about yet", he's texting good morning at 10am instead of 7am, after checking his OLD profile! and I am sitting there thinking...why the fuck do I want to date someone who does that?

Am I expecting too much?

I really want to know if this is me so I can fix it please.

I am usually quite a confident person and have never had any issues with men but the last year with OLD has really knocked the sauce out of me.

I think you should stop with all the texting. Is it possible to just text arrangements and then speak on the phone or am I so out of touch, it's embarrassing. I think you are reading too much into them, plus they are meaningless, it takes less than 10 sec to write 'thinking of you x' to three different girls!

The right person will be interested in seeing you, planning dates, getting to know you better but not necessarily in text ping-pong and early morning texts, that's totally superficial and doesn't tell you anything.

As for having sex by second date, this is great news- now you have a way to weed out all the sad guys who can't rely on their own natural niceness but have to read PUA (pick up artist) and Red Pill. These men don't actually like women, just want to increase their scorecard (or in many cases score at all as a lot are not really very attractive). This is actually a good piece of info, if not for the reasons you think!

Keep going, take breaks when fed up, there's also a dating thread on here, I can't remember its name, but you will feel the solidarity.

Why aren't you having sex with them if you like them? Do you want a boyfriend or just a friend?

It sounds to me you're weeding out the chancers. This is a good thing.

I would also suggest that you meet and date more than one at a time - at this very early stage you are just meeting for coffee, wander round a gallery, it's all just friends stuff and no commitment. Getting to know someone prior to a sexual relationship. If a man likes you he will be patient.

when someone starts to ghost you you can just think " oh well, he wasn't that awesome anyway" he's not right for you and you haven't loaded the dating at an early stage with expectations he is the one. He just hasn't had the balls to tell you it's not working.

The moment someone starts to mess you about or hedge as they might have a better offer, tell them you don't think it's working and good luck to them.

I don't think its the sex or lack of it at all. I think it's excitement and over-enthusiasm which can only cool off a bit.

I have done online dating on and off for a while. I don't give out my number any more because my phone would be pinging day and night.

As I said on another thread, I find a surprising number of men are not looking for a shag at all. They want their 'princess' or 'soulmate.' Their expectations are so high it is ridiculous. Then they come have to come down to earth when reality strikes.

It's definitely not you. It's a pattern I have experienced. And tbh I have done it myself. Got all excited about a new guy, start texting and then a couple of days later, I think, oh he lives a bit far away,maybe I won't bother.

Why aren't you having sex with them if you like them?

because she has only met them twice?

I find the ones who only want a shag come across as really seedy and you wouldn't go near them with a barge pole anyway.

I am friends with some men who have discussed online dating - they want to fuck on the second or third date.
If they get sex, they might date for a bit longer, but there is always the prospect of someone new and exciting out there.

Personally, I wouldn't want to have sex with lots of randoms because to me it's a part of growing intimacy - which is just not going to be there when I've only spent a few hours with someone.

There are worse things in life than being single - shagging a loser being one!

You can't build intimacy via texts - daily texting is something men who are well-versed in short flings are good at, IME.
I am dating someone who is terrible at replying, like more than 24 hours terrible, but when we see each other he is keen as mustard.

I'd try and keep texts for checking in and date-arranging as pp have said.

Any man who takes advice from PUAs is a great big cockwomble and needs to be avoided anyway.

After two failed marriages and being single again as a single parent in my late twenties I had some disastrous attempts at dating. Similar to yourself really. The ones I liked either used me or froze off. Just so frustrating....but I do think you need to keep going.

I agree a lot of men on these sites (and elsewhere!) really do just want a very intense but short lived fuck buddy. I would carry on as you are and eventually you will meet the right person... not all men play games.

I met my now dh on plenty of fish :) I had just about given up by then but we met for a daytime coffee so I could escape easily and ended up not wanting to escape at all! Our first coffee date lasted 4 hours..... married some years now and also have a son together.

We didn't sleep together for about 8 weeks. I was really determined to make sure he wasn't just in it for the sex :) he was worried about the same thing about me! We texted each other loads and it just never cooled off.

I wouldn't change yourself - you want to meet the right person for you, not the you that they want you to be.

I think a lot of these men just want dates and not a relationship. But it's not a good idea to have sex with them on first or second date IMHO. Sometimes is just total luck if you meet somebody nice that you get on with. I'd cut right back on the texting. It seems to cause all sorts of problems.

I met my DP through OLD and I can tell you its not you its them. Bin them at the first sign of flakiness and walk away with your head held high. A friend of mine once said 'When a man first meets you he should be on his best behaviour trying to impress, if it isn't good at the beginning, it wont get any better'.

You are worth more than this. There are decent men out there too and when you meet one he wont behave like this.

Good god the whole process sounds exhausting.

Tbh it sounds as if there is game playing on both sides. So new man stops texting at 7 and texts at 10 instead and suddenly you're backing off and checking what he's up to on his dating profile? It sounds to me as if this is getting way too intense way too early, and with far too many expectations.

You've been on a few dates. You haven't declared yourself in a relationship, and as yet you've not even slept together. Yet you're checking up on his activity online? Presumably if you're logging in to check on his profile he also sees that you have been online and would thus think you're checking on your profile? And fwiw there is nothing wrong with either of you still being on said dating site, the issue is the insecurity that has you checking this man's dating activity just two dates in. Nothing would scream red flags at me more than someone who was checking up on my online activity and being insecure about the timing of texts just two dates in.

You need to seriously cool that kind of reaction and behavior, and take these situations one date at a time.

And while early morning texting can be a real confidence boost, it's a false fantasy. Nothing wrong with texting first thing, but nothing wrong with not texting either.

Go on a date with hinm, get to know him, talk to him in person and stop checking up on his profile.

I had similar problems with online dating, I think it is the kid in the sweet shop mentality. It is good to weed these guys out however I got fed up and deleted my dating profile, I will try again in a few months when I developed a thicker skin as it does get depressing...I am only 25 so it is hard for everyone.

There have been men who have liked me, wanted an relationship but I just haven't felt that connection/chemistry so have ended it. It does go both ways, there gotta be a man out there who we click with! lol. I have a friend who nearly gave up internet dating but found her match and they are very happy together.

the situation creates that though Wannabe.

Teh first few men you notice you've not heard from them s much and they're being evasive about booking a date. Yuo're chill, you're fine, then it starts to mess with your head.

I am not saying what you just said isn't 100% true, but believe me after 18 months of it and investing multipe times you do start to check on them and try and get yourself out the door sooner rather than later because you're just batterred and tired of it and all your confidence is knocked.

I wish I wasn't doing that, but it just happens.

I personally have difficulty forming any sort of intimacy, connection or otherwise with more than one person at a time and I also have no desire to shag, or even snog someone I don't have a growing sense of intimacy with so it's a catch 22.

It would be easier if texts had not been invented. I do agree a lot of these twunts waste hours texting you out of little more than boredom and have no intention of it being much beyond that.

It is hard not to text though. I'll try and do it less.

It's a different world.
The worst communication problems I ever had were trying to get to the phone before my SF did.
He would oh so hilariously do the "which one are you then?" routine.
Lovely man albeit utter wind up merchant

It is OD - totally different to real life, seeing someone you like, chatting to them etc. I'm on OD - POF. I'm reasonably attractive, sporty, good figure, do lots, nice photos. I get no interest at all. I've put it down to being 50. OD creates a sweety shop environment. Why bother with the nice 50 year old when I can try younger and above my league. Saddens me really as I don't think I will ever meet anyone worthwhile. I enjoy my company but as you say OP company is nice.

Ditch anyone who gives you the treat you like a princess crap.

That right there is a massive sign with "I have lady ishoos" on it.

As pps have said, it sounds to me like you've set up a pretty efficient twat filter :)

I was single for a good while in my thirties. So many friends tried to push me into online dating but I just hated the idea (your mileage may vary, I know it works just great for some) and found it supremely depressing.

In the end there was a great chap at work, right under my nose.

The players on dating sites are the ones that have become very good at text string communication. They are the ones who get dates as their writing skills surpass their competitors. They are the ones that are good at keeping you interested in text messages afterwards too. Only talking to them will weed out the tossers. Less often but more meaningful communication is a better strategy... or at least I dimly remember that working for me...

Try texting back - sorry, really busy - but happy to have a call later.

Then on the call say you don't really have time for texting as you're doing stuff and you'd rather have a proper conversation on the phone or in person.

At least you know then they aren't texting from the loo on another date:) plus then you aren't tied to your phone. And get busy doing other things:)