How do you accept that your mum isn't a Mother?

[DisappointedandAngry]

Namechanged. Penis beaker, centre parcs, etc.

My mum has put me through some awful things. When I was 14 I was raped by my brother. He admitted what he had done to her before he was arrested. She then told anyone that would listen that I was lying. She abandoned me in support of my brother.

She (and others in the family) pressured me into dropping my statement by telling me he had been attacked in prison and that if he went to jail he would be murdered or kill himself and that I would be put into care.

She then threw me out at 18, whilst still supporting and housing my brother (3 years older). I was on a dismal wage and barely kept myself together, eating smartprice noodles and pasta.

She then disowned me when I got pregnant a few years later, as I had told my Auntie before her. I was staying with her for a few months when I found out I was pregnant and she threw me and my unborn child out and didn't speak to me until he was 5 weeks old.

I invited her to come and see DS and she said she had no intention of speaking to me at all, she just wanted to see her grandson.

A couple of years passed and our relationship was a lot better than it had been in a long time. No explosive arguments or dramas since my son was born.

I moved into her house whilst I was looking for a new place. Me and DS arrived about a month ago. Most times she is a bit mean to him. Constantly telling him off for normal toddler things. She doesn't do this with her first born GC, who she looks after every weekend, at her request.

We had a row on Sunday over me speaking to someone she doesn't like and it ended with her telling me to present myself to homeless.

I was heartbroke and so angry, not that she would do it to me again but that she would ever think of putting my Son out on the street.

I think that's when it hit me that she isn't a Mother/Grandmother. She's just a person. At every turn she blames me for everything and makes out I'm a horrible person who ruined her life.

I'm aiming to be out in a couple of weeks. I feel I let my son down by coming here when she would so easily put him out on the street or in a hostel with dangerous/unstable people. I never in a million years thought she would project the hate she feels for me towards my beautiful son. Aren't Nana's supposed to adore, spoil and love their GC no matter what?

I think I may move away from the borough she lives in.

How do I go the rest of my life without a Mum?

OP, please go easy on yourself. You don't need a grip, it sounds like you need a massive hug. There is no magic switch that gets flicked when you become an adult that stops you needing love and care from your parents, especially when you never had it in the first place. This woman was an absolutely appalling mother to you and let you down so badly time and time again. You have every right to feel angry and broken hearted and everything else you feel.

Going NC, if you feel you want to, sounds like a very good plan. You do not need to keep someone like this in your life, and the same goes for any family members who try to guilt you into doing things to make your mother happy. You owe her nothing

Stay well away from any of your family that are rape apologists.

I'm sorry you have had such a traumatic life.

You deserved better.

Thank you, everyone. After much crying last night, I feel a bit numb today. I think it has finally hit me that she will always do this to me. Hurt me in any way possible and, in turn, my DS. I can't allow him to experience any of the hurt she caused me. Which I know he will, given how differently she treats him compared to her older grandson.

Hissy I popped over last night and I'm going to go back over in a mo. Thank you.

Athenavoilet -I don't know if they are rape apologists. His and my Mother's version of events has always been that it was "consensual". So I think that is what my family believe.

They are absolutely, most definitely Rape Apologists.

What if they think I am just lying?

They will have convinced themselves that you are, as it lets golden brother off the hook and allows them to maintain the status quo.
Doesn't make it the truth, though.
This is not a fight you can win with these people. Even if they saw a live recording of your rape at the Odeon, they will find a way to make it all go away, probably by blaming you, or DB was drugged, or that was another bloke that just looks like DB, or you set him up, or blah de blah de fucking blah.

Op I just wish to send you hugs, you sound amazing. It is not your fault that your family are toxic, you deserve much much more, you deserve love not this warped shit that your mother and brother dish out.

You will grieve for the woman you should have had in your life, take a look at the berevement process, it will help you to understand what you are going through.

Alice Miller is a good author to read about toxic parents and how they damage their children.

Do not feel guilty for having to go nc, it is purely self preservation and preserving your dc's emotional and mental health.

Take care of yourself and your ds, he will help you to anchor yourself, a child's laugh, hug, kiss are medicine to your hurting heart. Return those kisses and you will flourish

Oh they are apologists all right - but you know the truth of the matter whatever they say and whoever they try to befuddle with their stories.

I see that you found the Stately Homes thread - there are good people there so I hope that discussing things will help over the next while.

Ps it may help you to have some counselling, you should be able to get this via your gp. My dp has had to go nc, it was awfully hard for him but since the scales have fallen from his eyes he has started to heal.

'After much crying last night, I feel a bit numb today'

Been there, so very many times, and it sucks - it hurts like pure hell. Even though I'm sure you feel incredibly low today, please know that having a good cry is a very healthy thing to do. Every good sob you have means you are moving every closer to a time when you feel better about this whole rotten situation. Letting out the pain rather than bottling it up or denying it is a very good thing to do for yourself. You're grieving for the relationship you so desperately wanted and needed with your mum, it hurts and it sucks and it takes time.

I absolutely genuinely promise you that it does get easier. It really does. Getting your mother out of your life will only help the process.

Thank you all so much, you are such lovely people and too kind.

Says a lot when you have to seek solace in an internet forum and the people there say kinder words than you've ever heard from your own family.

Cozietosie perhaps they are. He is still involved in people's lives, albeit not much. He is still invited to occassions and events. I had to sit through a cousins wedding reception with him at the same table, a few weeks ago. And my mum was passive aggressive with me all night because I needed to use my mirror to get ready and she wanted to use it. pathetic

I get that she wouldn't want to turn her back on him as he is her son but she basically abandoned me in support of him, said horrible things to me and made me out to be the villan. She once said to me 'none of this would have happened if you hadn't opened your mouth. If you had told me first we could have dealt with it as a family'.

Sammasati - I have had three rounds of therapy and it helped each time. But I always end up back where I am. Maybe I need therapy for life, ha!

Thank you Lotta Sorry you have felt this way too. It definitely does suck.

Dealing with stuff 'as a family' often means sweeping it all under the carpet and never speaking of it again. And that's not 'dealing with' anything at all. Where were your feelings in all this? Who was taking care of you? It sounds like your mother thought only of herself. How absolutely awful.

If it helps at all (probably not, but here goes), I know that if I were ever attacked or raped, there is no way in hell I could tell my family about it. They would find some way to blame me, or suggest that I brought it on myself. They did the same when I told them that an ex of mine had been violent - I was told I had a serious problem with picking the wrong men, and my mother even tried to justify his behaviour to me at one point. Seriously messed up.

Diappointed I dont have much more to add only have a look at your life now and the good future you have ahead. How well you have turned out after such a traumatic past and no nurturing from your Mother. You have a beautiful little child who is the love of your life. You know you would protect him to the death if you had to. Have you got support of friends or other family? Even if you dont you are strong and can do this yourself. When you get a house you will turn it into a great home with loads of love and laughter and happiness. Your mother is the one who will miss out.

I wish you every ounce of luck - your son is very lucky to have a great mother like you.

Hi disappointed I'm so sorry for what you have been through it's awful

I was abused by my brother for several years of my childhood because my mum refused to believe me and excused his behaviour, even when it happened right in front of her she would say he was 'only playing' or I had 'provoked him'. It was so hard to live with. I left home at 16 out of fear that I would be raped if I stayed any longer. I was then NC for a long time, sometimes I hated her more than I hated him because she let him do it. She hated me because she would not believe he did it and so she decided I must be telling horrible lies about him.

25 years later I do have a relationship with her again, though she is still not much of a 'mum' to me or a granny to DD (her only grandchild). My brother lives far away now so I never have to deal with him being there, and she no longer tries to make me spend time with him, or tries to fix 'my problem' with him.

I suppose I forgave her (I cannot forgive him). She loves her son and is completely blind to his faults. Time helps heal I suppose. Or maybe it's just impossible to carry the hate for so long without being destroyed by it. I am tired of being angry, of being the one who is still suffering, so I choose to have as good a relationship as I can with her. It is this or nothing. I do wish there could be more but she has hurt me too much for me to trust her again. I forgive but I cannot forget.

The therapy is good, but like when you have a source of infection in a wound, until the shit is cleared out, that gunk is going to keep coming back.

You need to cut the rotten stuff from your life, get out, get away and never ever look back.

I'm so sorry about what has happened to you, you know the truth, be strong and hang on to it.

Thank you to everyone for all your support. Got me through a rough 24 hours.