"f#@& off all you do is moan"

[pastaratatouille]

He's probably right and I could probably use some tips on how to stop.

Background:
I recently recovered from PND and one of my big triggers for low mood appears to be the constant thinking about routine/ organisation etc with having a young child. DS is almost 1 now and it has gotten a lot easier, but still its me doing most of the planning and thinking, still directing my DH on what to do at what times, even though he claims he would do it automatically if I wasnt there to remind him. Annoying?!

He's so bloody untidy. However, Ive given up telling him about it. That's until last night, 6 weeks after him leaving a pile of paper, empty toilet roll holders, crisp wrappers etc on his bedside table. I couldnt bare to look at it anymore!

He never puts his washing in to the basket, its always in a pile in the bedroom, then he asks why I havent washed his work clothes. Uh hum.

He never puts things away.

He's constantly 'busy' with a range of important jobs like car fixing, garage sorting, leaving me to most of the housework and tidying at the end of the week! Now that Ive also gone back to work I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all. We both have demanding jobs, although I now work part-time.

I realise that what I'm describing here is standard lazy man behaviour, but how do I stop nagging? This morning, his outburst came as a product of him leaving our DS on our bed for me to finish dressing when I was still half way through dressing myself whilst he went downstairs to do something else. Our arrangement is that he gets DS ready in the mornings so that I can get myself ready, then I do breakfast. He just doesnt think at all. He admits this but says 'it's how I am, you cant just try and change me' which I find completely lazy and ridiculous.
So I snapped at him this morning, " Im still trying to get myself ready for heaven sake" and the subject line was my response. I am also fed up of nagging. How can I stop?! I miss laughing but I just feel so irritated and overwhelmed by DH, I cant relax and unwind from constant organising and thinking. Please be kind!

I don't agree that it's impossible to change. It's called growing up, and for a lot of people it happens way after their 18th birthday.

I agree you can't change anyone. Better get rid. Of morons.

How much tidying up does a garage need? And if the car is that demanding he should get a new one.

It's perfectly possible to change, but nobody can make someone else change. They have to want to.

Absolutely. You're spot on there, Lweji.

BTW, my 10 year old is perfectly capable of putting his laundry to wash and put his garbage in the bin.

Frankbough
"What kind of employment is part time and demanding?"
A demanding job you do for fewer hours per week than a full time demanding job and on top of running a house and taking care of a young child?

Did you not spot any of these lazy traits before you married him?

I could never have married a lazy arse like him.

and your useful contribution to the problem today?

I dunno, someone I know is a part-time paediatric anaesthetist, I'd call that demanding. Anyway.

It is fair to say that it's not unusual to have a period of really hating your partner when kids are little. Best to try not to let it take over. There are things you could let go of. I regard my bedside table as my domain and wouldn't take kindly to being told off about it being messy. Likewise noisy eating.

Most people, most of the time, are trying to do stuff right. Try to look for the positive in your relationship. When did you last get out of the house together? Sorry to suggest a date night which is such a cliche, but there's a reason for that - it really is a good idea. Likewise, have you felt like having sex at all now that things are better? Try to reach out to your partner, you've had a child together and presumably like each other much more than most other people in the world. Mess is important and it's not surprising that you get angry about it, but your relationship is still more important.

He sounds very similar to my dh. I can't offer much help but I try to remember all the jobs he does do - emptying bins, dishwasher, garden etc. He isn't lazy but leaves everything to with kids to me n always has a more pressing job. If i need him to do take youngest dd to bed i give him advance warning - you have to do bath n bed tonight as I have got to do x, y n z. Drives me mad at times when dd is still running up n down stairs asking me for drinks etc but i just keep saying its Dad's turn tonight.
Would that help at all? I have found I have to be really specific or something else will crop up.

If his dad was the same about this kind of thing then it explains a bit about his mindset.

Lweji I think Parkinson's law says, "work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion". So tinkering with the car and tidying the garage carries on.

I have a part time, demanding job. I run my own professional consultancy. I manage it during school hours mostly, but when a client calls I have to jump. Then I do housework, childcare, meals etc. Thankfully I have a (usually) thoughtful husband!
This is a more demanding job than any full time employment I ever had.

OP I wonder whether you were previously able to overlook this annoying trait (messiness) because balanced against other nicer traits, you told yourself it all evened out?

You say that being organised is important, a routine does help but it seems to dominate your thoughts. It makes sense to delegate but it's not imperative to achieve perfection.

"I miss laughing" that is sad, I missed that line reading through the first time.

I know you were the one suffering from PND but seeing you affected must have been a big worry for him. I wonder if during the past year he retreated into the zones he felt safe and now you're by your own words recovered he thinks okay, we're back to where we were. Not appreciating you are needing him to step up.

Incidentally when you say you have recovered, (and I'm not doubting you feel better), the effects do linger and as your DC still isn't 1, I hope you won't mind me saying it's not weakness if you don't feel on top of your game yet.

It may be that in spite of his slowness to take the initiative with domestic stuff he is essentially good relationship material.

Switch of perspective:
"She's constantly 'busy' with a range of jobs like housework and cleaning, leaving me to most of the important jobs like car fixing and garage sorting at the end of the week! Now that Ive also gone back to work I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all. We both have demanding jobs, although I now work part-time"

I can't believe people are praising you for not washing his clothes if they're not in the basket. Why are you washing his clothes at all? If my DH ever asked me why I hadn't washed his clothes he'd be swiftly told where to fuck off to. You are not his maid.

When someone tells me to fuck off, I leave. Don't get why everyone is trying to tell her how to manage differently to keep the peace, or to stop doing his laundry, whatever.