Feeling a bit confused and emotional about status of relationship

[excitedbutscared]

Firstly, sorry to all those who have read my deep posts before, but I find it helps so much airing things on here and hearing people's opinions

Basically, I've been with my DP for about a year and a half. At first, I just thought it was all too good to be true, I didn't feel good enough for him and was constantly scared he was just playing me. I've finally got over this (well, it's nowhere near as angsty as what it was) and I'm really enjoying the relationship. It's developed to another level. We tell each other we love each other all the time and I just love being with him. There are a couple of things though that I'm not sure about. I was in a 10 year relationship before that and a marriage/LTR before that. I'm late 30's and feel I don't really know how new-ish relationships should be!

We don't live together - nor has this even been discussed. I have held back from mentioning it as I don't want to change the dynamic of the relationship, putting myself in a place of being the one to be constantly wanting more, move to the next stage. I keep waiting for him to move things on and so far, this has worked - although it's driven me a little crazy haha

Also, when we're not together, sometimes I hear from him via text or phone numerous times a day. Other days (like today), I have had a morning text from him which I think he feels is almost obligatory - and a response to a lunchtime text from me - but that's it. I haven't contacted him, again, because I don't want him to think I'm sitting here wondering what he's doing, is he thinking about me, does he miss me, is he going to contact me. Is that really stupid? How often DO people text and do you leave the other one alone if they're just not contacting? Do people get on days and off days? Or is he blowing hot and cold emotionally himself and if so, should I give him space?

I love him to pieces, but he's been through a couple of heavy relationships where I think the woman was quite demanding and pushy for ongoing commitment and don't want him to make him feel that that's what I'm doing too.

Basically, I know it's stupid to not be able to be myself - but at the same time, I don't want to scare him away

I sound so immature I know, I just don't know what's normal!

Thanks Fuddle. I think you're right...

Who's the author of the book? I did a search and a few came up

It sounds like if you left your marriage 2 years ago, have been with your current partner a year and a half and had a long term relationship before that, that you haven't ever really been single. That perhaps instead of more commitment you actually need some time on your own (not necessarily to end the relationship - but back down a bit), to find you and your own likes and dislikes and to know and be yourself. Do you find it uncomfortable to be on your own? I know some people do but perhaps that's the best reason to give yourself some space, jumping from one serious relationship to another with the angst/stress/drama that it brings with it can't be good for you.

Hi - no, I haven't really ever been properly single I suppose. I don't mind being on my own, but get scared of the thought of growing old alone. I like to have someone special to share things in and love being in love. I do get what you're saying though - but, I am on my own most of the week as DP lives about an hour away, we tend to only see each other at weekends. I think I need to learn to enjoy my own company a bit more!

The book is by Ellen Fein, I don't agree with all of it but there are some very good pointers. I did have a problem with jealousy with my now husband, I kept it to myself but it was beginning to take over. The therapist said I had to start valuing myself more etc so that if I did lose my partner I would be devastated but I would be able to cope with it. This then takes the pressure off.

It sounds like you have spent a long time in different relationships without necessarily feeling a strong sense of your identity as an individual. That can sometimes result in a loss of perspective about yourself in relation to other people. Do you think you might be over-focused on what you need and want from a relationship? I sense lots of pressure and expectations being put on yourself. Some might sense that as you being needy or insecure, and no-one likes being put under pressure, particularly in a newish relationship. You could consider building up your personal confidence and being able to go with the flow more. Spontaneity is attractive and if DP is right for you, you'll enjoy each other's company more in a relaxed environment than if one of you is constantly worried about how much/little contact there 'should' be.

Any updates, excitedbutscared?

I was also wondering, what exactly do you want out of this relationship? Are you looking to get married or have more children?

I only ever dated my current DP. All my other partners were friends who I already knew. The whole dating someone who you only know because you're romantically interested in each other was completely new to me. At the age of 36 I found it quite befuddling. Throw in crap like 'the rules' and it's enough to make a grown woman weep.

I decided that the only sensible thing to do was to say fuck it and do exactly what felt right. I know I'm a decent, capable, sensible and highly independent person. I'm not a needy, insecure mess. I'll take 5 minutes to think about what I'm doing and why, and as long as I still feel that what I'm doing is reasonable at the end of that five minutes' contemplation, I will go ahead and do it - whether that's texting 'how is your day?' without feeling like I might be perceived as a stalker, or saying 'not tonight, I fancy a night in buy myself as time alone is important for me to recharge.'

Also, I think there is nothing wrong in saying something like "I'm looking for a committed long-term relationship that could eventually lead to marriage and DC if it works out" It makes it clear what your long-term goals are. It is NOT the same as saying "I want your babies" to a man on your fifth date. It is a culturally misogynistic trap that convinces women that stating what they want like this is bunny boiler territory. If everyone knew what the other one wanted, there would be far less confusion and unhappiness. And if you'd say it at the beginning, why wouldn't you regularly reappraise as the relationship goes on? Although right now if you're having these doubts, you're probably better off saying, "right now I don't feel the time is right for me."

FWIW, my DP said he loved the fact I was so up-front and that he always knew exactly where he stood with me - although in our case it wasn't the most fast-moving relationship as we're both very independent.

Good luck anyway.