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Original poster

am I being a total mug? sorry, a bit long but I need to share!

52 replies

blondiemum123 · 08/07/2015 17:09

I've been with my husband for 25 years, married for 15 and we've never had any issues with trust until now.
He's friends with a girl 13 years younger than him at work and in the last few months she's started telling him all her problems, and she's got loads, going back years and it's caused serious mental health issues. Right at the start I advised him not to get involved in her problems as it might drag him down. That was too late, he'd already got involved and was secretly texting her.
I had my suspicions and when there was a name that kept flashing up on his phone (I never actually checked his messages) I asked him outright if he'd been secretly texting her. He admitted it and said he didn't want to tell me coz I'd told him not to get involved. He said there was nothing going on other than being a supportive friend and I totally believe him.
Now it's in the open he's texting her more. He keeps setting rules like 'not after 8.30' then breaking them to he extent that he never comes to bed with me any more, he spends ages in the bathroom and I know it's so he can text her without me seeing as I tell him when I think he's been doing it too much (which he said I could).
Now it's taken another step - she's really upset coz something happened yesterday which set her off and she told him loads of stuff about her past which he says he wishes she hadn't as it's so nasty. When I told him I was cross with her for doing that as it's burdened him, he said I shouldn't be cross with her and he's going round her house after work tonight for an hour or so to talk to her about it. He said he'd never go to her house so there's another rule broken.
He did ask me if it was OK and when I said I didn't feel comfortable with it he got all snappy and accused me of not trusting him. So I had to say yes as he said that if he didn't then the stuff she told him would weigh heavily on him. When I moved towards a no he sighed and snapped at me. It's not that I don't trust him, it's that I resent the amount of his time that she's taking up. When we're at home he's always texting her and if I ask him not to I'm 'nagging'.
I'm feeling ignored and lonely and that she's getting the best of him but have no idea what to do about it. Whenever I bring up the subject he makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable and as we've got children I really don't want to be rowing about it at home so I just keep quiet and unhappy.
Am I being stupid? He's told me he's not the slightest bit attracted to her and that he loves me and wouldn't leave me but all my instincts are screaming that this can only lead to trouble...
Advice very welcome... thanks x

OP posts:
Joysmum · 08/07/2015 18:36

Ask him in all seriousness if he believes he's investing as much in your relationship as he is in her. Does he think that's healthy for your relationship and dies he think he's best placed to help her? Can he not see she's too dependent on him for something he can't give her.

Joysmum · 08/07/2015 18:37

...if she's becoming emotionally dependent on him he will make her issues worse and how does he feel about that?

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 08/07/2015 18:43

I agree with pp who said you need to see what's on his phone. Don't try to sneak it off him, don't give him any warning. Just ask him to give you his phone so you can satisfy yourself that he isn't up to anything. If he refuses to show you the texts or has mysteriously deleted them all, then you will have your answer...

Spog · 08/07/2015 18:46

he's putting her before you.
i'd be very unhappy with all this.

iamnotaponceyloudperson · 08/07/2015 18:48

This is not at all acceptable. I know you don't want to risk the relationship but it seems discussion isn't working. I'm afraid he isn't going to stop unless you force the issue, and if he won't choose your well-being, then what are you trying to save?

I worked in a close knit office, there were male/female relationships which were very close as people shared space for 40+ hours a week and go through all sorts of upheaval and problems which get talked about, but they didn't cross over into each other's personal lives, other than as couples. So I might be invited over to a male colleague's house for dinner but with my husband. There might be the odd joke text or if there was something particularly scandalous/stressful at work to chew over but that was it.

You sound in denial about what a huge issue this is, and how vulnerable you are.

Bluetrews25 · 08/07/2015 19:00

Hmmm. At the very least she has cast him in the hero/saviour role, which must be flattering and intoxicating. Gives him a higher status than just DH and dad.
He is not going to be able to help her she needs specialists - she has a DH of her own, and a therapist. He needs to realise he needs to be the hero to his own DW and DCs. While they are still available to him.

Scoobydoo8 · 08/07/2015 19:07

Well, obviously as there is nothing going on he won't mind if you go with him to her house. Perhaps you could help her with her problems (by the way where is her dH whilst this goes on). Do you have a friend who can babysit?

What does he say to that.

He has stepped wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy over the line.

Stand by and be reasonable if you choose to but I certainly wouldn't. I would be in there 'helping' and also discussing with her and her DH.

And you say you are worrying as she has landed all this awful past onto your poor DH - huh! Get real.

Fearless91 · 08/07/2015 19:13

OP he is lying to you, his wife, so he can text another woman.
He hides in the bathroom so he can text another woman.
He's going round her house to "help" her.

He is disrespecting you so much. I would be fuming! You're not being silly or unreasonable.

Tell him he needs to back off. He is putting her before you!
I'm not saying he is having an affair, no one but him knows, but he has over stepped the mark.

Janette123 · 08/07/2015 19:26

blondiemum123,
This is a ridiculous situation.
Your husband has poor boundaries and is getting into areas that don't concern him. What's all this texting from home lark? - his priority should be you and his home and family.
Tell him how all this makes you feel and tell him that you want all future contact to be only work-related .
I would be very tempted to contact her husband and let him know what's going on.

AnyFucker · 08/07/2015 19:28

yes, you are being a mug

Hidingmyidentity · 08/07/2015 19:41

He is totally disrespecting you & I'm sure that after reading all the responses on here you know it. You are not a nag, he is being an idiot.

potap123 · 08/07/2015 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoxOfKittens · 08/07/2015 20:51

Is he enjoying being on call for her all the time or does he feel that he has made a rod for his own back?

I'm not into snooping but I'd be very keen to see these messages for myself for peace of mind. Also to see exactly what sort of thing she is sharing with him. He might not realise that he's bitten off more than he can chew if she needs professional support.

Even if there is nothing more to it and he is telling the truth, it is a difficult situation to get out of without any conflict for all concerned.

Allofaflumble · 08/07/2015 22:41

Maybe he is addicted to the drama.

You should suggest helping her as a couple, as his concern has triggered your concern for this poor girl.

His reaction should tell you what he's up to

RobinandRowena · 08/07/2015 23:12

It is an emotional affair. He thinks he is her' knight in shining armour' and is getting an ego boost out of her confiding in him. He obviously needs to be 'needed' like this! (not your fault)
He sound like he needs to cop on to himself and see it from your angle.

TheStoic · 09/07/2015 03:48

If it's as above board as he says he is, first step is for you to be included in all communication. You and your husband are a team - if he is concerned for her, then you are too. Texts come to you too. If he visits, then you do too.

If he won't agree to this, he is admitting that he is doing/saying/hearing things that you won't like. So it's not just the TIME he's spending on her, it's the content as well.

You can also suggest that you would like all four of you to get together.

He is actually doing her a great disservice. She should not be relying on him. He is NOT helping her by doing this. Let alone what he is doing to you!

Scoobydoo8 · 10/07/2015 08:06

Funny how these female friends who desperately need their support are always young (and prob pretty). I'm sure there are many older women with as many if not more probs in their lives but somehow it's never them that are supported.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/07/2015 09:06

You think he'd be behaving this way over an older male colleague with the same history? My arse. She's triggered some kind of rescuer response in him and his ego is lapping it up. This is not about supporting her, all the attention is probably feeding her mental health issues rather than helping them. This is about husband and colleague having a mutual fantasy relationship where they both get to feel needed, wanted and the centre of each other's lives.
Your husband doesn't need to make promises, he needs to see that he's behaving like a deluded and immature boy and in the process is harming his marriage.

Original poster
blondiemum123 · 12/02/2018 22:03

Oh wow, I've just accidentally signed in under an old name and found this thread I started 2 1/2 years ago, in July 2015.
So... in September 2015 I kicked his lying cheating ass out and he's still living with the girl who was 'just a friend' because she was obviously way more than that.
I just wanted to post now to say trust your instincts ladies, so you're ready if/when you get proof.
I'm divorced now and dating a lovely guy and my life is so much happier! The break up was horrible at the time but it does get easier Smile

OP posts:
DiscotequeJuliet · 12/02/2018 22:11

Oh wow. I was reading without noticing the date and thinking it all sounded dodgy.

Sorry you went through that Blondie, but I'm glad you're happy now.

dirtybadger · 12/02/2018 22:14

I was going to post an optimistic (ish) response.

I am so naive Blush

Nice one , OP!

Original poster
blondiemum123 · 12/02/2018 22:20

I am so naive Blush

Don't worry badger - it took me months to believe what was going on and I was living with it! Grin

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 12/02/2018 22:22

@blondiemum123
Wow! Yes trust your instincts! Thanks for the update!

Armygirl · 12/02/2018 22:26

I was reading too and hadn’t noticed the date. So sorry you had to go through that but I’m very glad you are happy again now!

JeezeLouise · 13/02/2018 01:08

I didn't notice the date either, and I was getting most annoyed on your behalf OP Glad you're happy again now.