Finding dh really hard work

[Vijac]

He's got a bad back at the moment and blames everything on this and the painkillers. But I just feel like I'd be more sympathetic if he was nicer about it.

He is just snappy at everything. Eg. Son 'I need the toilets'. Me 'hmm ok, not sure where they are' dh 'phew Christ, I'll take him then' storms off. Another example -me ' what does asc mean'. Dh snipely 'in what context' me 'I have a letter more the school, it says 'little vijac has been put into..' Dh interrupts 'which school- current one or next year?' Me 'let me just read you this sentence first and it will become clear.' Dh 'No' aggressively. 'Tell me which school'. To which I said don't worry about it and he was all cross and like just answer me, you have no sympathy to the pain I'm in etc etc. Basically- do everything my way or I'll get cross because I have a bad back. I feel like I can't be bothered to start any conversation because half the time I get cut off or told not now.

Any opinions on this or how I should handle this. Should I have more sympathy. Bearing in mind he's often a bit like this pre bad back too.

Just to add. Both these examples were in a 5 minute time period and he is often in this mood so it feels constant. I think he would be in a better more if I smoothed over more and was super loving and fun and just brushed grumpiness and little spats off but I find it harder and harder to do this.

I have a bad back all the time, and take Tramadol daily.

I'm never bad tempered, but I never behave like your Dh. It sounds more like personality that backache issues.

I would challenge him calmly on this every time. If it escalates then walk away.

My DH has a tendency to be rude and often what works is if I say "would you speak to XXX in that manner/tone?" XXXX being a friend / family member.

It's easy to become rude with those closest to you.

I just don't get why you would want to be rude to your wife . And what Can i do to change it? Challenge every time sounds like a good plan but he won't like it so on the other hand won't be very relaxing.

Why be rude to your wife? Maybe because he has to be so sodding polite to everyone else, despite the pain, that sometimes, when in 'home' mode he just forgets to filter.

I know I treated DH like that for a while, whilst under stress and in pain that painkillers couldn't quite take the sting out of.

He shouted at me... much as Doris outlined... and it made me realise that I was taking out my work day and pain on the person I felt most safe with. Not my finest hour, but we did work it out.

So I would endorse what Doris said

It just feels like there's never a good time. If we're having fun then I don't want to rock the boat and if he's grumpy then it'll just blow up. It's so depressing.

Oh that is where you need to be brave and have a sit down chat.

DH learned that tactic from me, so it was really effective when he turned it on me! You probably will have a row over it. I don't think it is possible to have that kind of discussion without someone's feelings being bruised.

But if you don't have that conversation what will you do? Put up with it? Walk on eggshells until you feel you have to leave to protect you and your kids? Sadly, when relationships get into trouble, there will always be a moment when someone decides: conversation or just sod off?

One focussed, heated discussion could be all it takes for you both to better understand why he is like that. You may even come to a conclusion that makes it all work!

Thank you lazy Lou. I think that is very good advice. I just need to steel myself to act on it!